How to Treat Your Girlfriend - by the Sig O's.

I had an awesome Memorial Day weekend camping with my in-laws. They are highly cool - I can't BELIEVE I am moving so far away from them! BOOOOOO!!! Anyway, on one of the days, the three boys went fishing and I was left all alone in the camper. I promised Tom's new girlfriend Jenna that I would teach him how to be a good boyfriend for her, so to pass the time I started creating a list called "How to Treat Your Girlfriend." Then I had the brilliant idea of asking Tom and Jake's girlfriends for input as well, so I texted furiously for about an hour and the three of us came up with the list that you will find below.

Now that the list is on this blog, you can print it out and hand it to your boyfriend/husband/man-of-the-week so that he knows the rules on how to treat you. You can edit it as you wish to meet the needs of your specific relationship, but the sig-o's (significant others) of the Webb brothers have decided on the following list. Enjoy!


HOW TO TREAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND:
Compiled by the Webb Sig O’s (significant others), edited by Christine because I am married into the family so therefore I have more say on what makes it to this list.

1. She is your #1. You can’t have any other girls while you have this one. That’s sort of the point of a girlfriend – she is your FAVORITE GIRL. If she’s not, then don’t date her. Below is a list of things to give you an idea of what you should not be doing with other girls:
a. Impregnating them
b. Kissing them
c. Doing anything that can remotely be perceived as sexual (holding hands, flirting, touching them pretty much anywhere. Basically, if you wouldn’t do it to your mom, don’t do it to other girls).
d. Don’t be alone with them – this seems like a weird one, but it’s a respect thing. Don’t be alone with another girl unless you have checked with your girlfriend and she said it’s okay.
e. Saying anything bad about your girlfriend – I PROMISE you it will get back to her.

2. Pretty much in your head she should be referred to as Princess (her name). I mean, don’t actually call her that to her face – that would be weird. But you need to TREAT her like a princess, meaning:
a. ALWAYS open doors for her.
b. Offer her your jacket if she looks cold. She might say no because she’s trying to be nice, but if she still looks cold then just take off your jacket and put it around her shoulders. She’ll appreciate it. Sorry, you just have to be cold – the princess needs to stay warm.
c. Tell her how lucky you feel to be her guy.
d. Pay for her food/tickets/etc on dates EVERY time. Even if she offers to pay. If she offers to buy something supplemental, such as popcorn for a movie or dessert after dinner, that is okay.
e. Buy her presents, and if you’re tricky then buy her ones that will constantly remind her of you (e.g. bracelet – every time she looks at her hand she will think of you, or a keychain because every time she leaves the house she will be reminded of you). Give these to her at random because “you saw it and decided she had to have it.” (after all, she’s a princess, right? Sorry dude, keeping a good girlfriend gets expensive).
f. Don’t forget important dates, which include but are not limited to: her birthday, Christmas, Valentine’s Day, Anniversaries, and Mothers’ Day if you get her pregnant (JK JK JK JK!!!!)

3. Don’t be scummy. My dad raised me by constantly telling me that “All men are pigs.” I’ve come to the conclusion that 95% of them are. So make sure that she knows you are in the other 5%. Not sure how to do that? Here are some pointers:
a. Physically – it might be awkward, but you have to set physical boundaries really early on in the relationship. As in, actually have a conversation and discuss them with her. You may assume you are on the same “no sex till marriage” page, but there are about 1000 baby steps in between looking at a girl and having sex with her. You need to decide how far you will go as a couple, and then you need to STICK TO THAT PLAN. This way you won’t randomly try something and she’s all “WHAT THE HECK YOU SCUMBAG!?!” See? It will save you from that. So actually have that conversation. And at a good time – e.g. not when you’re making out or even thinking about making out. Suddenly everything seems like a good idea then, but IT IS NOT. Consider that you need to be respectful of your future wife in all of your relationships – even the one with your actual future wife.
b. Don’t be mean. This might seem like, “Um, duh,” but seriously – if you’re in a relationship long enough then the girl is going to make you mad. It’s an inevitable consequence of the passage of time coupled with the fact that all girls are FREAKING CRAZY sometimes. (Sorry to disgrace my gender, but it’s true). So when she’s driving you nutso, remember to be respectful. Don’t yell or call her names. If you need a few minutes to calm down that’s fine, but never just ignore her. That is RUDE. Act like you’re in negotiations with the czar of Russia…who might set off a nuclear bomb at any moment (because that’s just how girls are sometimes). Be calm. If she’s mad at you and you don’t fight back, it gets really hard for her to fight. Just calmly discuss the situation and see if you can come to a good conclusion. If not, text/call your sister-in-law and she’ll handle it. ☺
c. Don’t say anything bad about her friends or family – it will get you in trouble every time. Even if she does. She’s allowed to complain about them, but you are not. Weird rules, I know – sorry. I didn’t make these up.
d. Don’t drop the “L-Bomb” unless you are going to marry her. You don’t want to say “I love you” to multiple girls in your lifetime. As my grandpa always said, “You only fall in love – true love – once. So don’t go messing up the word by throwing it around at people who don’t deserve it.”

4. Be yourself, but don’t be just “a guy.” Guys have stereotypes. Some of them might fit you, some of them might not. But here are the top things that bug girls about guys, so if you can avoid them then try your hardest. But if they are a core of your personality…whatever. Apparently she likes you enough to date you, so don’t change yourself too much.
a. Talking about your feelings is okay. If you went up to a guy friend and sighed, “Dude, I’m having a really crappy day – can I tell you all about how this is making me feel?” he might laugh awkwardly and punch you. But if you say that to a girl, she will take it as a sign that you trust her enough to be vulnerable with her. Sharing your feelings is some weird breaking of guy code, but you are not dating a guy. You are dating a girl. So tell her how you feel about stuff.
b. A relationship is about more than sexual stuff. Until you get married – then it’s all sex all the time (HA HA JUST KIDDING!!! JUST TRYING TO DISTURB YOU A LITTLE!!). Guys are stereotypically always trying to push boundaries and are the ones initiating physical stuff. Just…don’t. You’ll make her get annoyed with you. Plus, flirting goes both ways. If you’re always the pursuer, then you just look like a man-whore and she’ll be all, “WHAT IS HIS PROBLEM?!” Reinforce the idea that your brain is in your HEAD, not your pants. Sorry to be crude. But whatever.
c. Be dynamic. Liking hunting, fishing, tractors, dogs, and other manly things frequently found in country songs is COOL, and she will appreciate that fact that she is dating a manly man, but don’t let that be your only identity. Make sure that you invest time in seeing what kinds of things she likes to do too, and do those things with her. I mean, if you’re dating a cool girl she might like some of your “manly” things, but I promise she likes some girly things too. Girls like to feel girly – give them a chance to do that.
d. Don’t be messy. Boys always seem to be messy. If you are eating with her, have good manners (don’t text at the table, don’t spill your food, don’t put dirty utensils back on the table, have a napkin in your lap, etc.). Act like a gentleman – not a caveman.
e. Don’t be smelly. Yeah yeah yeah, you look all sexy in your baseball uniform, but you don’t smell good in it. So go home and take a shower before your date. And put on some cologne. And brush your teeth. SOMEONE’s gf has requested less bad breath.
f. Don’t talk about poop. Jokes about poop/farts/boogers are not funny. End of story.

5. Random other advice. Here are some other things that didn’t really fit into the above categories:
a. Sing to them – really odd, but girls like it when you sing. Even if you’re bad. Because they probably think you’re good. It’s a weird thing. Sing along with the radio, and then if it’s a romantic song then look over at her or put your arm around her like that song is dedicated to her.
b. Take them on creative dates – surprise dates are the BEST because then they get to look forward to it and they appreciate that you took the time to plan something special for them. Fun surprise dates include but are not limited to: scavenger hunts, dates to somewhere you’ve never been before, dates to somewhere that is OBVIOUSLY for her (e.g. a chick flick she wanted to see or something), etc.
c. Say nice things that GIRLS like. Boys like to hear “You’re hott.” Girls like to hear “You are so beautiful.” Use the word “sexy” EXTREMELY sparingly, since your relationship is not based on that (please see section 4 part b). Good adjectives to use when talking to your girl are: beautiful, elegant, stunning, gorgeous, radiant, lovely (but you risk sounding kind of British with this one), wonderful, magnificent, fantastic.
d. Ask her how you can be a better boyfriend. Even if you feel like you’re relationship is perfect, ask how you can make it better. She’ll love that you care enough to want to be better for her. Ask every few months or so. I’m married, and I still love when Rex does this. We’ve been together for almost five years. But it makes me feel like he really cares about being MY guy, and not just some random “good husband.”
e. Be fashionable at least sometimes. Under armor is great – stop wearing it every day. Make an effort to look nice for dates. I mean, you don’t have to wear a tux, but step it up a little bit. I know all Webb’s hate “preppy” looks, but unfortunately all Webb sig o’s would like to see that once in a while. So just sometimes…please?
f. Be athletic. Um, this doesn’t seem difficult for any of you. But the gf’s requested it. So keep it up – don’t get fat in the summer. They like your athlete looks.
g. NEVER, under ANY circumstances, part your hair down the middle. This was cool in 1996. Your preschool gf loved it. Your high school gf doesn’t.
h. PDA = Bad. All Sig-o’s have agreed on this one. Yes, we are your girls. No, you do not have to declare this to everyone in Meijer by trying to walk/hug at the same time. Don’t kiss us by the pizza – it’s not romantic, it’s a frozen food aisle. We know we’re sexy – just try to keep your hands off when other people are around.

So pretty much if you follow all of these…you should be in pretty good shape. At least with the current Webb Sig-o’s. I know there’s about a million and one pieces of advice here, but when it comes down to it here’s the deal: consider these things but be yourself. Your girl was attracted to YOU for a reason, so don’t become someone you’re not just to try to impress us. Out of respect for the gf’s, here are some of the ideas that did not make it onto the master list:
1. Have a fluffy dog
2. Eat a lot of chicken
3. Don’t play soccer