Bad Husband

Tonight was date night.  Rex took me to our favorite date place ever - Olive Garden!  I shudder to think of how much money we have spent there over the past six years...  It's a lot.

Rex and I were sitting at the table waiting for our food, and we got into a conversation about the newest gossip among our friend group.  My friend Becky had a baby today, so we talked about that.  Rex said, "The process of birth is really weird...like how your body suddenly decides, 'Okay, time to get this thing out of here!'"  I agreed.  It really is quite weird.  I know that Rex's family dog had puppies when Rex was a kid, and I asked him whether or not he watched that birthing process.  His answer startled me, to say the least:

"Yes.  I saw it.  And if you ever do that, I am instantly divorcing you."

Geez, a little harsh, don't you think?  I was kind of offended.  I mean, I know we're not planning on having any kids, but if we accidentally got pregnant he would just leave me?!  This is not the Rex that I know and love.  The scene flashed through my mind, and it went something like this:

Doctor:  PUSH!  We're almost there!
Me:  AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!
Rex: (covering his eyes)  Ewwww...
Doctor:  Come on, Christine!
Rex:  That's it, it's too gross! I'M OUTTA HERE!  (he sprints out the door)
Me: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Doctor:  We got it!
Baby: Waaaaaaaaah!  Waaaaaaaaaah!
Doctor:  Here is your baby, Mrs. Webb.  (he hands me the baby)
Me:  Hello, baby.  (look around for Rex)  Oh crap, you don't have a dad.  He warned me this would happen back when we lived in Las Vegas, but I always hoped he would stick around.  Oh well.  I guess it's me and you, kid.

Somehow I really couldn't see that happening.  I decided to figure out what he meant, so I asked:  "If I had a baby, you would just leave me in the hospital because it's too gross?  And you would actually divorce me because you don't want a baby?"

Rex looked at me like I was crazy and responded, "Of course not.  I'm not going to leave you if you get pregnant.  I'm just going to be really freaked out if you pull the baby out of you with your teeth, lick it clean, and then eat the placenta.  I would find it difficult to ever kiss you again."

BWAHAHAHAHAHA!  Apparently that's what his dog did.  I thought he was freaked out by the birthing process (which, really, sounds quite freaky), but I'm pretty sure I can avoid lunching on an umbilical cord and eating placenta dessert.  It looks like our marriage is going to be okay after all - you can stop panicking.