Maid of Honor Speech

Let me begin by saying how happy I am that you are all able to be here today to celebrate the wedding of Cara and Clayton.  I am thrilled to be able to be here to celebrate their love.

*Cara and Clayton share an affectionate glance*

Back when Cara and Clayton first met, I was living in Las Vegas.  I lived so far away that I couldn't keep up on Cara's life, so I talked to some people about keeping an eye on her and filling me in on how she was doing.  My main informants were Jacob (Rex's brother) Stephanie (Jacob's girlfriend at the time, now his wife) and Valerie (Rex's cousin).   They would text me updates about how she was adjusting to life at her new high school.

Might I point out that if Cara would have taken the time to update me on her own life, I wouldn't have had to resort to espionage?  But alas, a sister's gotta do what a sister's gotta do.

So one weekend, Kalamazoo Christian High School had a football game followed by a dance called the "Fall Mixer."  This is when I was first informed of Cara's new alleged love interest.  Jacob sent me a picture text from the dance that showed Cara chatting up a mysterious handsome man wearing a gray shirt.  I was a bit disturbed by the shortness of Cara's shorts, but I was thankful for the picture anyway.  Who was this man?  Was he worthy of my sister?

I texted Jacob back, but he assured me that the two of them were just "talking."  Hmmm...  I decided to sleep on it.  The next day, Rex was talking to his mom on the phone when she mentioned, "Cara was wearing some guy's football jersey at the game...are they together?"  AH HA!  She was wearing his JERSEY?!  Well, they were practically going steady.  If this was the year 1957, she would have been wearing his letterman jacket.  In the year 1978, she would have been wearing his class ring.  You get the idea.

Armed with this new bit of information, I decided to call Cara.  She didn't answer (BECAUSE SHE NEVER KEEPS ME INFORMED ABOUT HER LIFE!), so I called my dad.  I asked him what was up with this new "Clayton" character.  My dad said that he and Cara spent all of their time together, and they were as good as officially dating.  I told him that I already knew that because of the jersey thing, and my dad said, "I'm pretty sure he plays basketball.  Why was Cara wearing a basketball jersey to a football game?"  I responded that I'm quite sure Clayton also plays football, or else Cara looked like a total idiot at that football game wearing the wrong type of jersey.  Ha ha.

Finally I got my dad to pass the phone on to Cara (HA!  Now she HAD to talk to me!).  I confronted her with my truckload of evidence, and she started laughing.  She claimed that she and Clayton are just friends.  Now let me ask you, friends and family - the first time you saw this couple together, did you ever think they would be okay with being "just friends"?

*good humored laughter from the crowd*

I asked Cara about the jersey thing, and she said that Clayton's mom asked him to have someone wear his jersey, so she was just bailing him out so that his mom would stop bothering him.  At this point, Rex piped up in the background: "It's like she thinks we were never in high school or something!  His MOM asked him to ask her to wear it?!  That's the best story she could come up with?!"

*Clayton kisses Cara on the forehead, and she blushes at the obvious transparency of the my-mom-made-you-wear-my-jersey story*

I wanted Cara to be able to trust me, so I continued: "Cara, you can tell me the truth.  It's not like I heard you were wearing some guy's jersey and immediately started looking up wedding dress designs for you!"  There was a long silence before Cara said, "Christine....please tell me that you're being sarcastic right now."

Dang!  The girl knew me too well.  But looking up wedding dresses is FUN!  Anyway, I made a promise to her: "Cara, if you really do start dating him, I promise to stop planning your wedding......in front of your face, anyway...."  Ha ha.  He sounded like a great guy.  The only downfall I saw was his last name.  I don't remember it exactly, but it was something weird like "Murple."  Oh well - I guess with a last name like "Knasel," almost anything would be an upgrade.

While Cara and I were talking, my dad walked into her room.  She yelled at him indignantly, "Daaaaaaad, I can't believe you told Christine that I'm dating Clayton!"

He shrugged (I guess I didn't see that since we were on the phone, but I know my dad and I'm pretty sure that he shrugged here).  "Sorry, what's his name?  Caleb or something?  Conor? I thought it was Clayton."

She got even more annoyed.  "Daaaaaaaad!  I'm not dating anyone!"  He replied with something along the lines of "Okay, whatever," and left.

Cara turned back to our conversation.  "I knew you were going to hear about the jersey thing.  I just knew it!  I avoided Jake, Stephanie, AND Valerie all night so they wouldn't snitch to you.  My friends thought I was crazy.  They were like, 'Your sister's not that creepy...no one is going to tell her about your life.'  I didn't realize that I also needed to avoid REX'S MOTHER!  I didn't even see her!"  I warned Cara that I have eyes out everywhere...she's not going to sneak anything past me.

Anyway, things got a lot easier when I moved back to Michigan in 2013 and could actually be a part of Cara's life without creepily stalking her via my in-laws.  I learned that Clayton was actually a really nice guy, and maybe Cara didn't need me to be as protective as I thought I needed to be.

*I tear up a little bit here*

Clayton is a wonderful man who will take great care of my baby sister, and I'm so glad that you found each other.  I'll stop stalking you now, Cara, I promise.  Stalking a married lady is creepy.  Anyway.....to the bride and groom!