Social Media and Your Baby

I'm not pregnant, and I would really be okay with never being pregnant ever.  A lot of my friends have decided to have kids recently, and GREAT for them.  That's fabulous.  It's a great excuse for me to buy baby clothes and throw fun parties.  For some reason, though, a lot of my facebook/blogfriends have decided to share a little too much of their pregnancies with me.  I think (think) that maybe pregnant women and new moms spend a lot of time showing various doctors and people a lot of private areas, so privacy isn't that big of a deal any more.  I'm writing myself this letter just in case I ever get pregnant, so I can remind myself what's okay and what's not to share with my non-mom friends who really don't understand the pregnancy world:

Dear Me,

Okay, let's start this off with conceiving the baby.  Your friends don't want to hear about it.  They don't want to hear about the positions that work best for making children.  They don't want to hear about "the night" that you think your baby was conceived.  We all took sex ed - we know what happened.  You don't have to elaborate.

Please don't post pictures online of any body parts that you would not normally post pictures of.  People don't want to see your bare stomach, especially with pregnancy stretch marks.  Stretch marks scare the non-moms into swearing off procreation.  They don't want to see your boobs as you breast feed for the first time, because that whole situation is just foreign and weird.  They don't want to see you parading around in a bra and underwear because you're "proud of your changing body."  Don't get me wrong - it's great that you're comfortable with your changing body (although you're Christine, so let's be real - you probably won't be).  It's just that your facebook friends don't want to see these things.

Maternity photos can be okay, as long as they don't break any of the aforementioned rules, and as long as they don't look like this: http://www.awkwardmaternityphotos.com/

I understand that lots of body changes take place during this "magical" time.  You can get hemorrhoids, have horrible flatulence, have weird secretions, and a host of other unpleasant side effects.  Your friends really, really don't want to hear about them.  Actually, your doctor probably doesn't even want to hear about them, but at least they're getting paid to listen to your graphic descriptions.

Hospital pictures can be super cute, but could you please clean off your baby first?  I know that you think your new baby is the cutest thing in the world (and you're Christine, so let's be real - it probably will be), but your friends don't want to see it all covered in placental goo like an alien.  It takes away from the cute factor.  Also, bloody hospital sheets are kind of gross.  Bascially, if the picture could be in a horror film or a science fiction film, don't put it on your facebook.

This should get you off to a good start in your social media sharing of your new baby.  Run all questionable elements by Rex, as his low gross-tolerance for lady issues will be a good thermometer of what can be shared.   When in doubt, leave it out.

Good luck with the baby thing...

Christine