Do you remember being a kid and watching Saturday morning cartoons? You would be sitting up against your couch or possibly lying on your stomach on the floor, chin in your hands as you stared up at your favorite characters? Remember that weird starry magic where the rest of the week didn't matter, and everything was okay until the credits rolled?
That was Rex yesterday.
I wish I could provide you with some wildly romantic post where I explain his eyes were all starry because they were looking at me, or maybe we sat by the fire and had dreamy discussions about our future...but that's not what happened. Sorry. If that's the story you're looking for, go pick up a romance novel.
Yesterday was the first time in over a year of living here that Rex hauled our television set out of the basement. I asked him (in a very nice, respectful, wifey way), "Dude, what are you doing?!" He said that he'd just bought a new DVD and that he had to watch it immediately. He plugged in the DVD player, inserted his DVD, and sat down on the floor to watch. He didn't even have time to make popcorn. He didn't even have time to sit on the couch. That's how excited he was.
I was sitting on the couch working on grading papers. I took a break to stop and watch what had caught my husband's attention so completely. The opening scene was a man sitting at a table and talking to the camera. It looked incredibly low budget - something I could have made with my college MacBook and iMovie 2006. The lighting was awful. The guy also looked creepy (maybe partially because the lighting was awful?) He had buggy eyes threatening to pop out of their sockets, wisps of white hair pretending to cover his head, and a slanty mouth. He started his speech by saying, "Welcome to my video, where we will be talking about the king and master of the forests - the grouse."
I looked nervously at Rex. I knew he'd spent quite a bit of money on this new DVD, and I expected to see that he was disappointed. He was listening to low-budget slanty mouth grandpa tell us that the grouse was the master of the forest. Was that really worth $35?
Apparently that answer was a resounding yes, because Rex turned to me, eyes sparkling, and said, "Isn't this AWESOME?!"
I mean, the only appropriate answer was yes (even though I was dying to ask if he'd gone crazy. I must have been too afraid of the answer).
Grandpa Grouse went on to explain about the mightiness of the grouse. I put down my pen now and paid full attention - were he and I thinking of the same creature? The little brown, boring bird that sits on the ground in the woods, hanging out and dreaming grouse dreams until annoying dogs like Ruby come and startle them? Aren't grouse the same thing as partridges? (I just checked with Rex - that answer is yes). So instead of always being on the ground they apparently frequent pear trees too, especially at Christmastime. That's what the song says, anyway.
Can you imagine if I actually gave Rex a real partridge in a pear tree for Christmas? He would FREAK OUT. But that theoretical scenario should really be saved for another post.
Anyway. I was questioning whether the TV man and I were thinking of the same bird, and then the video cut to (poorly shot) footage of a grouse flapping his little grousy feathers. I think there may have been an inspirational soundtrack, but I remained unconvinced. The MASTER of the forest? Not, like, a bear or a wolf or something? Not even a twelve-point buck? This little nerd of a bird?
Yep, apparently. Because Rex was all but drooling over this footage. Ruby, sitting next to him, actually was drooling (but it's debatable whether or not it was over the grouse footage, since she drools a lot anyway).
The footage cut back to Grandpa Grouse, who was going on about the "majesty" of these creatures. I thought two things during his monologue:
1. If they're so awesome, why are you hunter people trying to kill them all the time?
2. OH NO! REX HAS THE EXACT SAME SHIRT THAT GUY IS WEARING!
Seriously, readers, Rex owns (and frequently wears) the same shirt that Grandpa Grouse was wearing. I had a flash forward to my future: I'm married to a future Grandpa Grouse. *picture me doing that scared face the kid does in Home Alone*
Grandpa finally finished talking about the beauty/majesty/nobility/overall awesomeness of these birds, and then he went on to say, "Now, I'm lucky. I'm married to a wonderful wife who is fully supportive of my love of grouse."
I mean, clearly. She's probably the one filming this on her MacBook camera. Rex shot a look at me, and I smiled. "I support you!" I said. "I'm just like that guy's wife!" Rex said, "Yep! You're right!" Here's what we each actually meant:
What I meant: Are you KIDDING me? I'm the most supportive wife in the WORLD! I didn't complain when you bought this ridiculous $35 DVD made in some dude's basement! I let Ruby chew on our couches and our blankets and everything, and I don't even complain because you think she's "so adorable!" I let you spend more money on weird collars and hunting contraptions than we pay on our mortgage, even though I don't know what half of them do! I go out to fields and shoot blank bullets while you release homing pigeons just so we can train this weird dog! What we're training her to do I have no idea...live with crazy people? Because that's what we're doing! And she's getting ALARMINGLY GOOD AT BEING CRAZY. I'll totally make you a video on my MacBook that we can sell for $35 if you want, because I AM SO FREAKING SUPPORTIVE!
What Rex meant: Grumble grumble...that guy's wife probably bought him a million acres in grouse country and sits around all day selling her world-class needlepoint so that he can buy more guns. Oh, and her world-class needlepoint is probably all pictures of grouse, because they're SO FREAKING MAJESTIC. Christine probably thinks the birds are just plain old partridges. How unenlightened of her. I wish she understood me like Ruby does.
But we're married, you see, so we didn't have to actually say any of that. We can just understand each other.
I was obviously totally distracted by this point, so I kept paying attention to the movie. Grandpa Grouse started talking about the best guns to use for grouse hunting. He said, "You want to know the best gun for grouse hunting? The one that you like best! That's the best one!"
Okay, now we paid THIRTY-FIVE dollars for this movie. I take issue with his comment for two reasons:
1. That is an obvious cop-out answer. What if I told my students, "You know what math answer is best? Whichever one you LIKE best!" Uhhhhh....no. Plus, what if I say I want to go grouse hunting with a paintball gun? My favorite gun is a paintball gun. Does that mean it's the best gun for grouse hunting?
Actually...come to think of it...that could be kind of awesome...
JOKING! Obviously. Wow. Don't go speed-dialing PETA.
2. Rex is going to take that guy's advice to mean, "I will find the most expensive gun in the world and decide that it's 'the one,' and I must have it because Grandpa Grouse in his basement told me that it's the best one." Well, clearly Grandpa Grouse has a more supportive wife then Rex does, because I am NOT shelling out $15k for his Guirini or whatever the junk that gun is called. I won't do it. #sorrynotsorry. I guess he should have married Grandpa Grouse's "supportive" wife.
At this point, I couldn't handle the video any more. I went back to grading papers. Rex stayed riveted to the screen. After about an hour I asked him, "Do you like your movie?" He said, "Yes! I am learning SO MUCH! This is seriously awesome!"
So clearly I must have missed all the educational parts while grading.
What a shame.
Maybe I'll go back and watch it later.
LOL.
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