I'm not sure why I'm so obsessed with weddings. I used to think it was because I was so excited to plan my own, but then I got married and I kept being obsessed with weddings. About four hours into our five hour drive, Rex asked me why I love weddings so much. I immediately responded with, "Because I like to believe in fairy tales, and the closest thing the world has to a real fairy tale is a wedding day." I don't even know where that answer came from, but as soon as I said it I decided that it's pretty true. There's something magic about a wedding day, and I'll chase that magic across the country if necessary. It's an addiction. Is there rehab for this?
The wedding last weekend was in Ashtabula, Ohio. I'm not sure which was weirder - the fact that we went to the wedding or the fact we were invited. We'd only met the couple once, at Rex's friend's wedding back in January. I'm not sure why, exactly, they invited us. Their invitation was a picture of them wearing camouflage and sitting on the back of a pickup truck in the middle of a cornfield - I am not joking. As soon as I got the invitation, I told Rex that we HAD to go for two reasons:
1. I do not turn down wedding invitations.
2. This was the most stereotypical Midwestern redneck invitation I had EVER SEEN. I simply had to see the wedding.
Because Rex loves me a ridiculous amount, he said he would take me. I couldn't believe we were going to drive to ASHTABULA (which is the best name, by the way) to the heart of smalltown America for a veritably anonymous wedding. Even weirder, I was completely pumped about it.
On our way to Ashtabula, I made a bingo game for us to check off during the wedding and reception. The following items were on the bingo board:
- Mason jars
- Someone talking about hunting
- Discussion about farming
- Country music
- Shotgun shells
- Burlap
- Camouflage
- American flag
- A pickup truck
- Drunk person
- Talking about guns (bonus for carrying a gun)
- Smell of manure
- Cool belt buckle
- Flannel
- A reference to corn or "the harvest"
- The phrase "the good Lord"
- Awkward reference to sex
- Blaze orange
- Grammar error
- Someone wearing jeans
- Shotgun shells
- Someone wearing cowboy boots
At one point I said, "Rex, I can't find anyone wearing cowboy boots. Someone HAS to be wearing cowboy boots." I furtively looked under tables at people's shoes and tried to look nonchalant. Rex said, "Uh...Christine?" He looked down. HE was wearing cowboy boots. My word. He was in his home country, for sure. We would fit right in in Ashtabula.
After the wedding and reception, the only items not crossed off of the list were the following:
- The phrase "the good Lord" (there was lots of talk about God, but that exact phrase did not come up)
- A reference to corn or "the harvest"
- Cool belt buckle
Go back and read the top list, because look at all of the things we DID find. I mean, shotgun shells?!? (The guys had them pinned to their lapels to hold the corsages - I KID YOU NOT). This could have been on a reality TV show as "the most Midwestern wedding ever." It was a total blast. I couldn't decide if we got the bonus point for gun carrying or not, because a guy had a holster on but no gun in the holster. Don't ask me why - I have no idea. Maybe we got a half point for that one.
Even the ceremony itself was fun. A guy who looked and sounded remarkably like Owen Wilson talked at about a thousand miles per hour for ten minutes, and then it was over. The entire wedding took ten minutes! My favorite part was when he said, "In the garden of Eden, when God decided man should not be alone, what did He create? No, not a hunting dog. A woman!" I almost laughed out loud, both because that's a ridiculous thing to say, but also because of how much Rex loves his hunting dog. I think Rex might have been secretly born in Ashtabula.
We enjoyed the small-town atmosphere. We stayed in a local hotel, shopped at local shops, ate at a ridiculous diner filled with Ohio State paraphernalia, and even went to a gun show (because that was the weekend for the Ashtabula gun show - what luck!). Here are a few pictures from the adventure:
We're almost there!!
I've never seen THIS sign before. I also can't say that I hate it... We need more horses on our streets.
We went shopping here in between the wedding and reception. How could we pass it by?
A giant rocking chair must be climbed. It was not ladylike getting up there. Half of Ashtabula saw my underwear while I was climbing it, I'm pretty sure. There was a road right by the chair. At least I was wearing cute underwear (and keep in mind, half of Ashtabula is like, ten people).
Rex looked happy here. No wonder. This is an entire city of Rexes.
I wonder why this business didn't make it... We were only about five hours from Niagara Falls...
We were going to be late to the wedding, so I grabbed the first wrapping paper I saw. It was kind of embarrassing, and it totally didn't match the card. Oops.
Why weren't "antlers" on my bingo game?? *Sigh* That would have been a good one.
Hanging out with Rex's friends and the bride and groom.
Please note my sign that says "wedding crasher." We practically were.
Rex at his gun show the next day. I almost bought a camouflage duffel bag, but those aren't as popular in Kalamazoo as they are in Ashtabula. I was catching the fever - good thing we got out of there when we did.
This is where we stopped for lunch.
Decor. Rex's family would not have been pleased.
All in all, it was a great weekend. I'm really glad we went. I hope that fifty years from now, the bride and groom look back at their pictures and say, "Who the heck are those random people?" I also hope that fifty years from now, Rex and I look back at these pictures and think, "What a fun weekend." It really, really was. It was Ashtabeautiful.
Noooo you can't buy a camouflage duffle bag. But, maybe the Camofloral Vera Pattern? That might do the trick!!!
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