Teacher Blitz

Today I was considering the fact that I hoard my favorite teacher stories for a couple of weeks until I finally get around to blogging about them. When I do that, though, I forget about a TON of the more tame, everyday funny things that happen. Seriously - my job makes me laugh numerous times every single day, and you miss out on all of it. I feel sorry for you. So today I decided to do a student story blitz - I would take notes on the funny things that happened during the day so that when I got home (now), you could see just one day of stories to understand the craziness that I encounter on a daily basis.

So here we go...student stories from exclusively 2/16/2011 (names are changed):

1. I have a policy that if a student is acting up, I write their name on the board. They can get their name off the board if they prove that they are changing their behavior, but if their name is on the board at recess time then they have to stay in for recess. Patrick got his name written on the board, but he worked diligently for the next ten minutes so I went up and erased it. With only five minutes left to go until recess, Patrick raised his hand. When I asked what his question was, he said, "Is getting on the board like chicken pox? Where once you've been on there you can't get it again? At least in the same day?" Sorry, Patrick, no board immunity for you. You're fair game until the bell rings.

2. There is a new trend in my class. Please note that in sixth grade, new trends only last for about 24-48 hours. I usually find them too fleeting to mention. This one is pretty funny, though. New trend: tell Mrs. Webb who your secret crush is. Not joking. Don't ask me why - I had kids coming up to me all day "confessing" their love for other students. One girl said, "Mrs. Webb, I really want to tell you who I like, but I'm nervous. Can I write it down?" I responded with something along the lines of, "Uhhh...sure." So a couple minutes later she handed me the TINIEST note I have ever seen. It was barely a speck of paper. When I unfolded it, it measured approximately 1/2 cm by 1/2 cm. It microscopic letters was written the word "Ben." I looked at the note, and the girl said, "Will you destroy that note now? Like burn it or something?" I wanted to let her know that no one could read it anyway due to the fact that they would need a magnifying glass, but I stuck with just assuring her it would be destroyed.

3. Still dealing with the aforementioned trend, John came up to me and said, "Mrs. Webb, I would tell you who I like, but I can't because I don't trust you." I was a bit confused since I thought that I had a pretty good relationship with John. I said, "That's fine if you don't tell me, but why don't you trust me?" He responded with, "Because you're married. I don't trust ANYONE who is married." Okay, John. I don't know what to do with that.

4. Penny told me who she likes, and I said, "Wait, I thought you had a boyfriend?" She informed me that she dumped him. I asked why, and she burst out with, "WHY do people keep asking me why? I don't have a reason!" I quickly responded, "Oh, I mean, that's fine! It's just that, a lot of times when someone dumps someone else, there is some sort of reason for why they do that. But I guess you don't NEED one..." She seemed satisfied with that and sat down.

5. Chelsey came in from recess and said, "Mrs. Webb!! Hannah was talking about the WEIRDEST thing today!" I asked her what it was, and she seemed hesitant to tell me. She seemed very squeamish and awkward. Finally she said, "Well, she was talking about the thing in the thing when ya do that thing." I told her that I had no clue what that meant. She made a hand motion that indicated she was talking about sex.
NORMAL MATURE ADULT RESPONSE: "Well, that is a natural thing that is great at the right time. It probably is not appropriate for you to be discussing it at school, however."
MY RESPONSE: "EWWWWWW!! How DISTURBING! That is TOTALLY gross - you should tell her not to talk about that any more. Bleh!!" *shudder*
I guess I discovered that I am about as mature on that topic as my sixth graders. Awesome.

6. Remember the kid who has a crush on me? Well, today I announced that we are going to be writing research papers. There was a collective groan from the class, except for that kid. He JUMPED out of his seat, fist pumped, and exclaimed, "YEAH! RESEARCH! There is NOTHING like a good research paper!!!!!!" Too much, dude. It's a little bit of overkill.

So there it is, y'all - a day in the life of me: "Mrs. Webb." You KNOW you want to teach middle school. Come on, admit it. I know you do. It is without a doubt the BEST job in the whole world.