Welllllllllllp, Rex and I have once again wasted an hour of our time in the interests of free pizza.
This is by far not the first time we have done this, and it most likely won't be the last. We used to engage in pizza-mooching a lot more when we lived on campus, but we haven't been doing it as much since we moved to our apartment. Probably the best time was when we went to the gay pride meeting in order to mooch off their pizza and some guy was TOTALLY hitting on Rex, but that's really a different story.
Tonight we went to the PPTA meeting. PPTA stands for "Pre-Physical Therapy Association," so it is actually a relevant group for Rex to attend (but not me). He has been a member for the past two years. The reason why it was irrelevant to go tonight is because the lecture was about how to write a good grad school essay, and Rex has already gotten into grad school. Oh, and I'm already in grad school right now. So no need for me to attend either. But they had free pizza, so we decided to go.
The pizza was good. Obviously - it's pizza. I don't need to describe that to you. What I DO need to describe to you is the speaker who talked about writing essays. He is a representative from Kaplan (the testing agency), so really he mostly talked about the GRE test (also irrelevant to Rex and I).
After this man was introduced, he walked up to the front of the room and started CLAPPING FOR HIMSELF. No lie. Who DOES that? He followed up his egotistical action with equally egotistical dialogue: "HELLO, everyone! Well, it is good to see you here. It was cold today so I thought about not coming, but then I thought, 'WAIT - my people are awaiting me.' As you are about to see, I am a very eloquent speaker. You will be very interested this whole time. I'm not just good at speaking, either. I am really great at a lot of things - seriously. Ask my mom."
HE SAID THAT. AND HE WAS SERIOUS. To top it all off, this man sounds EXACTLY like Kermit the Frog. Seriously - more than one person around me whispered about it. He really does sound like Kermit. Picture a really egotistical Kermit the frog with an ugly beard. That's this guy.
He started in on his speech and...wow. It was pretty much the "You may now thank God that I am gracing your presence" speech. He started out by talking about a time in Las Vegas when he was lost at a casino and then about another time when he was in a handicapped stall in the bathroom and then a guy in a wheelchair came in. After briefing us on his heroic tales (and maybe realizing that he was blabbering on about nothing), he said, "and that's why Kalpan is here - to make sure that you are NEVER in the wrong place at the wrong time." WHAT?? What kind of transition was that? It doesn't even make sense! He followed it with, "Don't even think of me as a Kaplan guy. Just take it from me - one smart cookie - you need a good GRE score." Note to self: never be friends with someone who describes him/herself as "one smart cookie."
As he went through his powerpoint, he would go to the next slide and comment satisfactorily to himself, like "Ahhhh, yes this is a good one," or "Ha ha! Yes!" Weirdo. Also, he kept making comments about getting our masters degrees. "If you're really serious about getting your masters..." or "They are going to ask you why you are pursuing a masters degree..." He is talking to a room full of pre-PT students. Physical Therapy isn't a masters, it's a doctorate. A DOCTORATE, do you hear me Kermit?!? If you were such a smart cookie, I think you would have figured that out before this meeting.
I was having such a hard time not bursting out laughing. At one point my hand was covering my mouth (I was trying to make it look like I had to cough), and Rex said, "Are you CRYING?" I twitched my head slightly in a "no" motion, worried that if I moved too much the guffaws would explode out of me. Rex started stifling laughter himself, whispering "then I think the laughter is bottled up so much that it is spilling out your eyes, because they're totally watering." My laughs leaked out in a couple short bursts after that, and Mr. "I'm Amazing" glared at me. Oops.
HOW did other people not find this guy hilarious?? They were furiously taking copious notes. I wished I could be taking notes on this guy's quotes so that I could include more of them in this blog, but alas I did not have a pen. I guess they were all legitimately concerned about getting into grad school and somehow thought this guy could help them. Ha - suckers.
When he finally said, "In conclusion..." Rex and I turned to each other and, in complete unison, whispered, "OH MY GOSH THANK GOODNESS!!" Trying not to laugh for an hour straight had taken WAY too much energy - we needed some more pizza.
To end up the meeting, Frog-man tried to convince everyone to pay $729 for a three hour tutoring session. This man thinks that it is worth $200+ per hour for him to bestow knowledge upon us?? Sorry, Kermit. I'm taking my pizza and running far away from you.
Actually, I did grab an extra slice of pizza on my way out in order to make the time more worth my while. If it hadn't been for the crazy bread and pop, I might have called this one a waste. Well, actually, at least I got a few laughs and a blog out of it. Maybe it was a success after all. :-)
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