Counterfeit Urine

I should really have known better than to try to cheat on a urine test.

I mean, honestly - I never cheated on spelling tests, math tests, or any other sort of tests. I never cheated on a boyfriend or on my husband...I'm really not the type to be labeled as a "cheater." Still, there I was yesterday at Quest Diagnostics, cramped in a tiny bathroom with orders to "go" in a little cup, and desperate times called for desperate measures. I cheated.

Let me begin by telling you that I wasn't working on a lot of brain power. I actually showed up at Quest Diagnostics for a blood test, and I was told by my doctor that I had to fast before the test. That meant that I hadn't had a single thing to eat since the night before, and I didn't go to Quest until after a full day of teaching middle schoolers (at a school which, ironically enough, is also called "Quest." It must be a Nevada thing). I was hungry and cranky and impatient.

I wouldn't have been so cranky and impatient if I hadn't been trying to get my blood drawn for the past TEN DAYS. I really shouldn't have to work too hard to get someone to poke my arm and drain fluids out of me. I have to admit, it's not something I was really motivated to work hard for.

For my first appointment, I drove around for a half an hour trying to find the place, and it was nowhere to be found. The blood draw appointments are only 10 minutes long, so I figured by the time I was 30 minutes late I had already missed my appointment and should just go home. That was quite the colossal waste of time. When I got home I immediately called to schedule a new appointment, but I decided to choose to make the appointment at the Quest location closer to my school. There's a Quest Diagnostics only 1.5 miles away from my school - what joy! That one would be much easier to find....right? So I made my appointment for the first available time they had, which was ten days after my original appointment.

Yesterday I set out to find the new Quest. Unfortunately, this one was just as difficult to find. I triple checked my directions from Google maps, and I could not figure out what I had done wrong. Determined to make this appointment so I didn't have to wait another ten days, I pulled over and walked into a local chiropractor's office to ask for directions.

Me: I know there's supposed to be a Quest Diagnostics around here...do you happen to know where it is?
Chiropractor: Oh yeah! Just go across the street to Home Depot, stand in their parking lot, look out towards the main road and then a little to the right, and you'll see it. I think. It's small.
Me: Ummm...okay, thanks.

I went across the street to Home Depot's parking lot, and the Quest Diagnostics was right where Mr. Chiropractor said it would be. That was so sneaky...there was no way to see the building from the main road. Do they call it "Quest Diagnostics" because you have to go on a quest to have any prayer of finding it? They should rename it "Stealth Ninja Diagnostics," because it's just that difficult to find.

As I trudged up the steps to Stealth Ninja Diagnostics, I was hungry and mad (and late for my appointment AGAIN). I walked in to the front desk and told them I was there to get my blood drawn. Of course, because this is my life and these things happen to me, they had no record of my appointment. AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! I wanted to jump across the counter and strangle the lady, but I realized that it wasn't really her fault. I think she sensed my irritation (or RAGE), so she said they could see me as a "walk-in" patient. I wanted to scream, "YOU MADE ME WAIT TEN DAYS FOR AN APPOINTMENT WHEN YOU HAVE A WHOLE LIST OF WALK-INS?! I COULD HAVE HAD THESE RESULTS BY NOW!!!" But of course, it's a bad idea to make the person angry who is about to poke you with a needle. I said "thank you" with as much politeness as I could muster, and I sat down to wait.

When it was finally my turn, the lady called me back to the little cubicle where I would be giving up my blood. I noticed that the label on my tubes read, "Christine Webb: 2/2/1984." Still using every ounce of energy-that-I-didn't-have to try to be polite, I took a deep breath and said, "Um, not sure if this matters...but I was born in 1989, not 1984." She looked at the tube, surprised, and said, "Oh yeah, that kind of does matter." YOU THINK?! And I'm about to trust this woman near me with a needle? Heavens.

The lady left to print new labels and said that she'd "be right back." Ten minutes later, I was still sitting in the lonely cubicle. It was just me, the needles, and the collection tubes all chilling out and waiting to be united with one another. Finally the lady came back, looked surprised, and exclaimed, "Oh! You're still here!" Yes...you didn't draw my blood yet...so I'm still waiting. Unable to say anything polite, I just gave a wan smile. I think she sensed my irritation, because she decided to explain herself: "For some reason I thought I saw you in another cubicle, so I went down there. But it turns out you were just waiting here! Ha ha!" I wanted to reply with, "Do you frequently have patients just jumping around from cubicle to cubicle behind your back, as if you're in some sort of sick game of hide and go seek or tag, and when the 'it' person gets you then they take your blood?! Well, I don't have time for your phlebotomic fun. JUST TAKE MY BLOOD BEFORE I TAKE YOURS!" Even though I didn't say it, I think my weak attempt at a laugh warned this lady that she'd better get started. She took my blood, and I let out a sigh of relief. It was FINALLY time to leave (and get some food).

NOPE! PSYCH! Before I could go, crazy hide-n-seek phlebotomist said, "Oh, and we're going to need to get a urine sample." A urine sample?!?! Is she insane? Why does this woman hate me? I had no warning of this. If I have to give a urine sample, I usually pull a Juno and "drink my weight in Sunny D" before the appointment. I can't just go on command! Still, being locked up in the bathroom meant I was a safe distance from Ms. Crazy, so I figured I would give it a shot. The problem was, I really didn't have to go. I think I literally got two drops in the cup...way less than half a milliliter. I sat there trying to think of waterfalls...rivers...funny jokes...anything, but I really didn't have any more juice in me. I knew that the two drops in the cup were not going to be enough, and I did NOT want to go back to Stealth Ninja Diagnostics again anytime soon (or ever), so I knew I had to produce something.

This is where we get to the cheating part. I had to put something in that cup so they would let me go! Looking around suspiciously to make sure I wouldn't get caught (which, actually, was dumb in hindsight. Who's watching a bathroom?), I scooped up a bit of the toilet water into my cup. I tried not to get too much so that maybe my pee drops would still tint the color yellowish. I put the lid on, flushed (even though there was nothing to flush), washed my hands, and left the bathroom. I put my container in their "specimen" box, flashed Psycho a smile, and finally headed out the doors to freedom. I had cheated the system! Take THAT, you crazy needle woman! Test that fake pee! I bet there's nothing in it. See? I TOLD you I'm fine! Why did you want to test my urine, anyway?! We're looking at blood levels related to a pituitary tumor...so I made the executive decision that the urine test was unnecessary and would be okay if I tampered with it a little.

I should have known that was a bad idea. I mean, that plan is just dumb. I'm blaming it on the fact that I hadn't eaten all day and that my IQ is slowly descending to that of my middle schoolers because I'm around them so much. Anyway, about an hour later I get a voicemail from a far too chipper "Kristie at Quest Diagnostics!" asking me to call her back at my earliest convenience. Rex was concerned, thinking that perhaps they already got some results back and something terrible showed up. I didn't want him to worry, so I confessed my urinary sin. I said they probably figured out what I did. You can't get arrested for tampering with your own medical specimens, right?? I mean, RIGHT?!?!

I started to get a bit nervous. I called Kristie back, and she said that my urine sample was "insufficient" and that I would have to come give another sample. "Insufficient," "faked," "forged," "counterfeit"...whatever she wanted to call it, I was mad that my plan had been foiled. Also, knowing Stealth Ninja Diagnostics, they will have moved to an even more secret location by the time I go back. They will be even more difficult to find, and I'll have to wait another ten days for the opportunity to give a legitimate urine sample. I hate Kristie. I hate urine samples. Most of all, I hate Stealth Ninja Diagnostics. Just you wait, Stealth Ninja. I will get my revenge someday.