Man Oh Man

Sometimes living with a man can be difficult - just ask anyone who's been married to one.

Living with TWO men?  Oh boy, that one's in a league of it's own.

For the past month, I've been living with two men: my husband and also his best friend Jake.  I got a text while on a grant trip in New York that Jake needed a place to stay for a while, so could he move in with us?  I really need to stop taking these trips.  Last year when I was in Japan, Rex bought a truck.  I tried to make a "no major decisions while I'm out of town" rule, but so far it isn't going great.

So I got him from the trip, and - voila! - a new roommate.  He's cool and fairly low maintenance, so in all reality I really don't mind him living here.  In case you were wondering, though, HERE are some ways my life has changed now that I live with two guys:

1. The toilet seat is never down, ever.  I have to always remember to look before I sit.  Rex was pretty well potty trained on this one before Jake came, but the convenience of having the seat up all the time must have been too alluring.  All progress has been lost.

2. Table manners?  What table manners?  Dinner at our house is always fun, but let's just say I'm glad my grandma never comes over for dinner.  She could out-manners Emily Post, and these guys couldn't out-manners most first graders.  First of all, we have to cook a LOT of food.  Probably 8-10 servings of whatever we're cooking should be good...for the three of us.  Then, while my napkin is neatly folded in my lap and I'm taking dainty bites, they have their phones out, they have their elbows on the table, they burp (which is apparently funny) and fart (which is apparently hilarious).  I sometimes look around, hoping that one of my girlfriends is going to drop in from the ceiling or ninja jump off of a wall to rescue me from yet another discussion about guns, fishing, or poop.

3. Man Code.  I don't understand man code.  To the best of my knowledge, guys use it to prove macho-ness on completely random and pointless things.  Case in point: I went grocery shopping with Jake, and when we got home I planned to take the groceries inside in two trips.  He said, "Sorry, man code only permits me to take one trip.  Hand me that case of water bottles...and that other case of water bottles..."  I told him we should really take two trips, but I've learned that man code trumps logic.  We ended up with water bottles sprawled around my garage floor and me glaring at Jake, but he kept to the code.  Apparently this is a win?  Men are a strange species.

4. Bewbs (and Other Funnies). I have a very nice display on our fireplace mantel.  I used gold frames to frame four pictures of letters: W-E-B-B.  How sweet, right?  Our last name proudly displayed in our first home.  Well, I came downstairs the other morning, and Jake had turned W-E-B-B into B-E-W-B.  That spells bewb, which isn't even a word, but it sounds like "boob" and therefore hahahahaha that is so, um, funny? *squinty eyed annoyed emoji here*  Rex thought it was belly-laugh worthy.  Our last name is an anagram for a misspelled body part!  BWAHAHAHA.  Man sense of humor is weird.  Fortunately, I teach junior high boys.  I am well-versed in fart jokes and the fact that the word "naked" is comical.  I guess I always thought they grew out of that at some point, but I was clearly mistaken.  Either that, or it takes longer than twenty-seven years.  Time will tell.

5. For the Love of Dogs.  I love dogs.  I love the dogs I have, and I preemptively love the dogs I will one day have (here's looking at you, pug!).  The thing is, though, that there's something about a man and his dog.  Dogs are "man's best friend" for a reason. It's sweet to watch the guys love on their dogs, but when Jake tries to train Moon to bite my leg off and Rex lets Ruby sleep in our bed YET AGAIN, then sometimes I wonder if it's possible for this love to go a little far.  The other day Jake's underwear was all over the house because he was trying to train Moon to pick up underwear.  It apparently didn't go well. I'm drowning in dog fur, and I constantly have to watch my back while cooking because someone is always trying to steal the food (mostly dogs, sometimes men).

As much as I laugh at Rex and Jake (which is a lot), I have to admit that there are perks to having two men around.  I never have to open my own jar lids.  If I want to do a home improvement project (like the stairwell project I've been putting off for a year), I've got two guys to help me out!  Also, I don't have the opportunity to take life too seriously because I'm always laughing.  I'll be stressed for a second, but then the two of them are over in a corner laughing about the fact that the burnt piece of pie filling looks like poop, and isn't that funny?  And then I start laughing too because no, it's not funny, but the fact that two grown men are laughing about it is a little funny.  Then I have to walk over and turn all of the magnets on the refrigerator right side up because Jake has turned them upside down again, and by that time I've forgotten what I'm stressed about.

If I have to live with two men, at least I'm living with two pretty awesome ones.  It's a bit odd as a living arrangement, true, but we're having a lot of fun.