Matchmaker

I would be a horrible matchmaker. This is a fact. If I ever offer to set you up with someone, politely decline.

The first indication that I would be a horrible matchmaker came in high school. My first true attempt at matchmaking was to set up my friend Beth with the object of her affections, Rex Webb. CLEARLY that match worked out really well... I married him.

I play matchmaker at school, too. I am hoping perhaps one of these matches will be successful and cancel out my previous matchmaking transgression. Sixth graders have crushes on each other ALL THE TIME. When people have mutual crushes on each other, they start "going out," whatever that means in sixth grade. If you thought your teachers had no clue who you had a crush on in middle school, you are probably wrong. It's pretty obvious. I pick the "couples" that I like and sit them next to each other in seating charts. If I think they are a bad couple, I sit them at opposite sides of the room. Don't judge me - I derive great joy from this. Plus, you would be amazed at how much a seating chart can make or break a middle school couple. The relationships are largely based on convenience, and if they no longer sit together then sometimes it just isn't worth working through the long distance.

Today I was trying to match people again. It went poorly. I wasn't trying to match my students since we had a SNOW DAY, but I was trying to match my friend Katie. Specifically, I was trying to match her with one of Rex's brothers. She always talks about how she wishes she could meet a guy like Rex because he's so amazing (duh). I told her that he has two brothers, and she should marry one of them because then we would be pseudo-related! Woot! I told her that their names are Tom and Jake. She began asking about them...and that is where things started to fall apart.

Katie: How old is Jake?
Me: Umm...almost...twenty.
Katie: (looks at me suspiciously) Exactly HOW CLOSE to twenty?
Me: Erm...you know...three years...and a few months...
Katie: So he's...sixteen?
Me: Yeah...

So then Katie suggested we move on to Tom.

Katie: How old is Tom?
Me: Almost nineteen.
Katie: How close to nineteen?
Me: Only a couple months. He's seriously close. (It's six months...but oh well.)
Katie: Okay, well let me see a picture of him on facebook.
(we proceed to the computer to stalk Rex's brothers)
Katie: Ew. There is a bloody deer in his profile picture.
Me: Um, if you're not going to be able to handle bloody deer, then I should stop you right now. You're not going to marry a Webb.
Katie: No, I can handle it. But that's gross, so let me see a picture of Jake.
(we proceed to Jake's facebook)
Katie: He is in a football uniform. I hate football.
Me: FINE! I'll find a different picture! He plays a million sports.
(I click on his profile picture album)
Katie: He's wearing a U of M shirt in that picture.
Me: OH don't worry about that! He's not THAT big of a Michigan fan...he pretty much just has that shirt. (WOW...total lie...Jake's the biggest U of M fan I know, including my friends who go to U of M).
Katie: Okay.
Me: Actually, I don't think you and Jake are that great of a match after all...
Katie: Yeah, at least Tom is a legal adult.
Me: Okay. So you can marry Tom then.

So it's settled. Katie is going to marry Tom. Now she just has to meet him...and sift through the "customizations" I made to make him sound like her type...and then fall in love with him and marry him and blah blah blah...

Why do I feel like this isn't going to work out so well?

Perhaps I had better go back to my sixth grade matchmaking. Or possibly give up the art altogether...I don't think it is my best talent.