Confession: I am not a dog trainer

Rex is great with dogs. He has had dogs for his entire life, so he's had a lot of practice. Still, there's just something about him that dogs LOVE. They've always loved him, and he loves them back.

I've been trying to catch up and be as good with our puppy as he is, but it seems I have a long way to go. Our puppy is ADORABLE, but his latest annoying habit has been that he is treating Rex and I like his personal chew toys/scratching posts. By the scratches and nicks on my arms and legs, I think it would be easy to convince people that we adopted a baby lion rather than a puppy.

Rex was trying to teach me how to train the dog to not do this. He told me, "First you say 'no' in a firm voice and hold his mouth. Then, if that doesn't work, make a small bark at him. He will recognize that as a pain noise and back off. He's not trying to hurt; he's just trying to play. If he knows he's hurting you then he will stop."

Good advice, Rex. Good advice. I watched him do it once, and it seemed really effective and easy. WHOO HOO! I CAN DO THIS!

So then the dog turned to me, and I was ready for my big chance. I was going to show Rex that I am an AWESOME dog trainer, just like him. The puppy ran up and started playing with me, and when he started gnawing on my arm I said "No." The problem is, the puppy is SO CUTE that I said "no" in a very not-firm, happy voice. If you say "no" while giggling and smiling, it's not going to be very effective. Just ask any pregnant teenager.

So the puppy thought I was happy and having fun (which, in reality, I was). So he started chewing harder. Then it actually started to hurt, but I was still laughing because the pup is so cute. So my command came out, "Ha ha! Stop it! Eeek!! Dog! Stop biting me! Ha ha! AAAAAAH! Bark!"

Rex started cracking up. "Bark?! BARK?!!! What is that supposed to do?!" I sat up indignantly and held the dog at arm's length so he couldn't chew on me any more. "You TOLD me to make a barking noise so he would know he was hurting me!" Rex was still laughing. "You can't just say, 'bark.' That doesn't sound like a dog AT ALL. That's like saying 'woof' or 'bow wow.' The dog isn't going to recognize that as a 'dog sound.' You have to actually SOUND like a DOG."

Okay REX, mister DOG TRAINER. I was prepared to give it another try. So I started playing with the puppy again. Sure enough, after a couple of minutes he started biting my arm. I came up with the most growly, "ow I am hurting" dog noise that I could: "rRrRrRrRrRrRrRrRuuuuup!" The puppy stood back, startled.

"REX I DID IT!! WHOO HOO I MADE A DOG NOISE AND HE STOPPED!! HA HA I WIN!!!" The puppy took in my happy face and joyous noises, and of course he took that to mean, "Hooray! She is happy with me!" So he started running around excitedly and then started chewing on me again, his puppy eyes looking up at me as if to say, "See? I know this makes you happy with me!"

Crap. I give up. Rex can train the dog.