My Dog is not a Tamagotchi

Remember Tamagotchis? Nano-pets? Giga-pets? All those little virtual animals that used to hang in egg-shaped key-chains off of the "cool kids'" backpacks when we were in elementary school?

Or, if you weren't cool enough to have a portable virtual pet, did you ever play the game "DOGZ" online where you got to "adopt" your own dog and care for it?

Well, I did both. And, as a child, I felt that all of that practice was leading up to this day: a day when I FINALLY have my own REAL LIVE DOG. But I am discovering that there are many things about having a real dog that a pixelated pooch just will not prepare you for.

1. A virtual dog never ACTUALLY pooped or peed. The waste just sort of evaporated into the background. Why can't that happen on my pee-stained socks or my poopy-smelling fingers?! (I just finished cleaning up a pile). I would really like the waste to evaporate into cyberspace, if we can somehow program our dog to do that.

2. A virtual dog never chewed up your stuff. He stayed neatly tucked in your backpack keychain (or on your computer). He never chewed up your wedding albums (BOTH of them), chewed up your couch, or attempted to rip up the new curtains you were making BY HAND to go in the new bedroom.

3. A virtual dog never had cool personality quirks. For example, my REAL dog won't eat his food anywhere except on carpet. We have his food dish in the kitchen. He will fill his mouth with food, walk over to the carpet, drop the food on the carpet, AND THEN eat it. He never drops the food in the kitchen on linoleum. No, he must have plush carpeting as his dog bowl. When he finishes that mouthful, he will trot over to the bowl, get another mouthful of food, and bring that food over to the carpet as well. What an adorable weirdo.

4. Even though you can "pet" a virtual dog, it does NOT feel as satisfying as actually feeling puppy fur between your fingers. And my favorite part of having a virtual dog was when it was really happy and would "lick" the screen. Let me tell you - real puppy kisses are WAY better than imaginary virtual ones.

5. I don't care how great technology has become - programmers CANNOT replicate the millions of emotions a puppy can show on their tiny face. A sorrowful look can break my heart, and a joyful one can make my day. No on-screen companion ever had that sort of power!

6. Taking your giga-pet for a walk meant hitting the "go for a walk" button. With a REAL dog, you actually get to go outside in the sun and WALK places. That is, of course, assuming that the dog also wants to walk. If they sit stubbornly and look at you like "What the heck am I supposed to do out here?!?!" then you may have a problem. But HOPEFULLY, once they figure out the whole "walking" idea behind a walk, they will get really excited about going out (that's what happened with our dog, anyway).

7. None of my virtual pets ever played "Wild West" with me. This is a game where I am on all fours on one side of the kitchen, and the pup is on the other side. We dart back and forth on our respective sides for a few minutes, and then when I say "This town ain't big enough for the two of us," we both run and tackle each other in the middle of the kitchen. BEST. GAME. EVER.

So maybe nano-pets didn't have me as prepared as I thought I would be...but I'm really okay with that. Having a real dog is a million times more fun than a virtual one, even if it can be more challenging sometimes. I did so well with virtual pets, though, maybe it was time that I advanced to the "next level." Now, if you'll excuse me, I am going to go wash my hands again because they still smell bad.