Broke Diaries

Have you ever read The Broke Diaries by Angela Nissel? If not, you should. Right now. Actually, stop reading this blog and go get that book. It is hilarious - one of my all time favorite books. Rex and I have been reading it aloud to each other when we drive (no car radio, remember?), and we end up laughing so hard that sometimes it makes it hard to drive straight. It is just so funny! It is the diary of a broke college student and the crazy things she does to get by. (As a side note, now she is a main writer for the TV show Scrubs and is no longer broke). Yesterday I felt as though I could have contributed a bit to her book. I was feeling particularly broke. So here it is - in an attempt to mimic her literary voice, my contribution to Angela Nissel's The Broke Diaries:

Dear Broke Diary,

Everyone knows that quarters are like gold to broke chicks. They pretty much provide everything you need in life - quarters buy bus fare to get you places, they rent you a washer so you can get clean clothes, and they provide that extra needed caloric intake from a vending machine when ramen noodles just aren't cutting it. Rich folks don't even care about quarters. Think of a soccer mom in her 2011 minivan, getting her change from buying her three brats their happy meals, and being all, "Ew. Loose change. Who needs this anyway? I will just throw it in the center console and never see it again." I hate you, rich soccer mom. Can I please have your quarters?

Yesterday Rex and I found ourselves quarterless - a big problem for broke people. We were in dire need of quarters because we HAD to do laundry. I mean, I did not have ONE clean pair of pants to wear to work, and all of my underwear was dirty so I had been going commando for a few days. I was starting to fear that my students would start asking why I smell so funky. It was seriously time to get some clean clothes. The washing machine in our building costs $1.50 per load - six precious quarters. The dryer costs $1.25 - five more quarters. And we had zero. We scoured the apartment - emptied out every old purse and looked in every drawer. Rex even emptied out his piggy bank, which greeted us with a plethora of pennies, but no quarters. After searching the ENTIRE apartment, we were able to come up with three quarters. Three - enough for bus fare or a vending machine snack, but not enough for laundry. I considered asking our neighbors for a 75 cent loan so we could get the load started, but I was still too embarrassed from the last time that we borrowed from them - a few weeks ago, Rex went over and asked if we could borrow a roll of toilet paper. (!!!) I TOLD him we had plenty of Kleenex, but he wouldn't use it because it wasn't "sturdy enough." Paper towels weren't "soft enough." So he just HAD to go borrow toilet paper. Spoiled little son of a gun. I was not desperate enough to go ask the toilet paper rich neighbors for seventy-five cents, so we had to think of another way to get the quarters.

Suddenly we had an epiphany - THE CAR. Cars always have loose change rolling around in them - it's as if it just develops there over time the way mold grows on bread. Rex rushed out to the Lumina to see if we could scrounge together enough change so that I would could start wearing underwear again. SUCCESS - THREE WHOLE QUARTERS! How had we not seen them there before?! We FINALLY had enough quarters to do a load of laundry. We picked our most important items (after all, we only had enough money for one load), and crammed the clothes into the washer. We put in our precious quarters, and we watched them go away - consumed by the greedy washing machine.

While the clothes were getting washed, we searched in vain for more quarters so that we could dry the clothes. We weren't hopeful, since coming up with the original six had been so problematic. As we suspected, we did not find even one more quarter. So we had to get creative. We discussed the idea of a clothes line so that our dry clothes would be infused with fresh air like they are on so many laundry detergent commercials - you know, the ones where the clothes are fluttering happily in the breeze as the sun smiles down and makes them all comfy and soft, and the flowers all dance around around make the clothes smell good? Well, there were a few problems with that theory - first of all, we have no clothes line. Second, we have no place to hang a clothes line. Third, it is COLD out. The sun would not happily warm our clothes in the floral breezes. The clothes would freeze like pants-popsicles, and there was no WAY I was going to work in a pants-popsicle.

We decided that the only option was to find enough places in our apartment to hang the wet clothes. I mean, come on - what else is a broke sister to do? I was out of options! When the clothes were finally washed, we took them out of the washing machine and made our apartment look like our dresser exploded. There were clothes hanging off of EVERYTHING - the doors, the shower rod, the towel racks, the backs of chairs, doorknobs, you get the idea. It looked ridiculous, and our apartment reeked of the "fresh summer breeze with the stupid dancing flowers" laundry soap. After a few hours, though, our clothes were dry! And we didn't even have to sacrifice five quarters! Take THAT - you greedy washer and dryer people! We are beating your system! HA!

And you will be happy to know that today at work, I was wearing a clean shirt, clean pants, AND clean underwear. It was a good day. Chalk up one point for broke people everywhere.

Still quarterless but at least clean,
Christine