Expecting a New Little Bundle of Joy

Expecting a baby can be an exciting time in a couple's life together. Trust me, I know - not because I am expecting one, but because I know four different friends who were due to have babies within six weeks of each other. Two have already had their babies, and two more are still waiting. I feel like my life recently has been in baby-mania.

A question I have been getting a lot in these past couple of weeks is, "Aren't all of these adorable babies sparking your maternal instincts? You TOTALLY want a baby now, don't you? Don't you?!"

No, I don't. I LOVE my friends' babies. I think they are adorable. But the world is not ready to handle a Webb child. Think about it - Rex and I would have the most insane progeny EVER. They would be quirky beyond quirky. It would be really quite odd...they would probably have numerous pet rats, and they would ride the pet German Shepherd to baseball/softball practice, where they would wow the coach with their extensive vocabulary of useless words (due to their language arts loving mother). Then they would go home to eat pasta for dinner AGAIN, and they would spend the rest of the evening creating new words like "dinglejock" or composing songs like the "Organic Chemistry Rap" since their crazy parents don't have TV or any video games. What a nerdy child.

Even if we had some sort of hope that our child would turn out normal, we would still not procreate based on the fact we are sooooo not mature enough to be parents. If you need proof...just keep reading.

For some reason, the new thing to do is to decorate your baby's room in a jungle theme. WHY?? Mark my words: If by weird circumstances there are any future Webboids, they will NOT have a jungle themed room. I think it's a movement toward this new liberal crap where genders are equal. So people can't have a room that's too girly or to boy-y, because then they are somehow "setting up their child to conform to the gender stereotypes that society is trying to pressure them to conform to." Whatever. In a few cases, the parents choose not to determine the gender of the baby until it is born. In that case I suppose a jungle nursery is slightly more tolerable...but why is the jungle room the only option?! There are just soooo many jungle nursery albums on facebook nowadays! I was especially surprised by one jungle room, where I discovered two penguins in the jolly pile of jungle stuffed toys. Note to parents: THERE ARE NO PENGUINS IN THE JUNGLE. What were you thinking? Your kid is going to be retarded.

Anyway, my disdain for jungle themed rooms got me thinking...what would be a good room for a baby? I asked Rex, who is a good husband and indulged me in this conversation. It took about two seconds to discuss that OBVIOUSLY a girl would have a princess room and a boy would have a cowboy room. Duh. What was a lot MORE fun, though, was discussing the theme rooms we would tell people we are going to use in order to convince them that we shouldn't have kids. Here is the list:

1. Casino Night Room
2. War Room
3. Hooters Room
4. Beer Room
5. Fire Room
6. Monsters Room
7. Guns Room
8. Strip Club Room
9. Drugs Room
10. Shark and Alligator Room
11. Pagan Worship Room
12. Justin Bieber Room (AH!)
13. Cemetery Room
14. Gangster Room
15. BLING BLING Room

See? I told you we shouldn't have kids! Still not sure? Look at the fun we had with naming them...

1. Charlotte Webb
2. Spyder Webb
3. Winnifred Pouh Webb (AKA "Whinnie the Pooh")
4. Razmataz Webb
5. World Wide Webb (but with a middle name of "wide," this kid would totally be fat)

The possibilities are really endless...but the "good" names are never the fun ones. So our kid would end up getting teased a lot about his/her ridiculous name and their wildly inappropriate bedroom decor. We're just saving them a lot of emotional pain by not conceiving them in the first place. We really just have their best interests at heart.