It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Rex and I have OFFICIALLY decorated our apartment in anticipation of Christmas. It is our first Christmas as a married couple, so obviously it is very important. Only the finest decorations would do, so we went to the dollar store.

The dollar store has an amazing assortment of Christmas decorations. For only $20, we got almost everything we needed to fully decorate our Christmas tree AND put miscellaneous decorations around our apartment. It was quite a successful shopping trip.

We were lucky enough to get a FREE Christmas tree from my parents, and we had tons of fun setting it up and decorating it. Elsie really wanted to be involved, but she ended up being quite counterproductive. When we were trying to untangle lights, she kept rolling around in them and messing them up. When we finally got the lights on the tree, she bit onto one of the red lights right before I caught her. She tried to give me her innocent face as if she hadn't just eaten a light, but it was glowing red inside her cheek like when a person puts a flashlight in their mouth. It was about the cutest thing ever...she looked so guilty, but I just busted out laughing and couldn't even be mad at her.

It was a great night of laughing and trying to see how we could maximize our festiveness throughout the entire apartment (which we affectionately call our "mini-mansion"). If I do say so myself, I think it turned out looking pretty great! We celebrated our success with a batch of Christmas cookies, and then we slept on our brand new snowman flannel sheets. I am definitely full of Christmas spirit - grinches beware. You are no match for the Webb family.

Black Friday

Black Friday is a perfect example of what is wrong with the world: millions of people waking up before daylight and lining up for blocks and blocks, all for the opportunity to spend tons of money on more stuff so that they can attempt to fill their empty lives with material goods.

Obviously I wouldn't miss this.

Even though Black Friday might be mindless and materialistic, it is still a ton of fun! I have been going every year for about five years now, and it is always a total blast. I think National Geographic should make a documentary about Black Friday, because the dangerous jungles of the Amazon are really not so different from your local shopping mall on the day after Thanksgiving. It would be a great story - it has "survival of the fittest," "early bird catches the worm," and all of those other environmental laws.

This year's Black Friday started much like any other: creating our "battle plans" on Thanksgiving Day. My family always goes through all of the newspaper ads and decides which items are worth waking up at 4 in the morning for. Usually I just end up tagging along in the quest to nab the latest technological gizmo for my sister (she saves up her money all year to buy something cool on Black Friday). THIS year, though, I saw something I wanted for ME. A new video camera for only $19.99! WHOA!

I have been wanting a new video camera for a while (it was even on my Christmas list!), and obviously this deal was too good to pass up. The video camera was being sold at Menards, and luckily the items Rex wanted were also at Menards. My dad agreed to go with us (he was buying a scooter for my cousin), so we made our battle plans to advance on Menards at 5 AM the next morning.

4:30 AM rolled around far too quickly. We dragged ourselves out of bed and tried to get pumped up for our shopping excursion. At 4:30, Cara was just arriving back home (!) from her 3:00 AM trip to Wal-Mart to secure the new ipod touch. Still in the Black Friday mood, she decided to go with us to Menards.

The thing about waiting outside on Black Friday is that it is COLD. It was 12 degrees outside in Kalamazoo. I wore plenty of layers, but Rex still insisted that I wear his winter jacket because it is the warmest one we have. It is nice that he wants me to be warm and is willing to sacrifice his jacket, but I HATE his winter jacket!! Before you call me totally spoiled, hear me out: It is a UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN jacket!! He got it for free from his sister, who worked in the residence halls at U of M. She picked it up after one of the athletes threw it away (whoever it was was #10 - it says so right on the coat). Anyway, it is a really nice winter coat, but it has Ann Arbor cooties that have rendered it largely unwearable. Rex wasn't going to let me go shopping without the "proper warmth," though, so I was forced to wear it. He handed me the jacket, and I held it up with two fingers as if I was being forced to wear a dead opossum carcass. Before I put it on, I grabbed a roll of masking tape and put a giant "X" over the M logo and the word "Michigan." I left the Nike sign alone because, after all, that's not so offensive.

We trooped over to Menards, delayed by Cara deciding to go with us (she needed to change her clothes) and by me redecorating Rex's coat. By the time we showed up, the line was almost out to the road (about 500 feet from the entrance to the store). My heart sank - I knew that the video cameras were going to be a hot seller, and they would probably be sold out by the time that I reached the front of the line. I decided to just be happy being out with my family, and we had a great time joking around with people in line.

When it was FINALLY time for the store to open, there was a mad rush for the front door. Someone tried to jump out of their car and cut into the front of the line, and my dad screamed, "HEY! Don't cheat! If you cheat now, you will be a cheater for the rest of your life!! You will cheat on your exams! You will cheat at your job! You will cheat on your spouse!! EVERYONE HATES CHEATERS!!!" He was getting a little too enthusiastic. I tried to tune him out as I kept my eyes on the prize: my video camera. We rushed into the store and spread out so we could each find our respective items. Rex and I stayed together, though, because... well actually, I don't know. Because we like being together I guess. Anyway, we asked someone where the video cameras were being sold, and we were pointed to the back of the store. We rushed around the throngs of people, dodging shopping carts and trying not to trample young children. They should really make a video game of Black Friday - it is a real challenge.

We finally made it to the back of the store, and I spotted a small display of video cameras. There were still a few boxes left! I reached out and grabbed my prize. SUCCESS!!! I dropped to my knees in a Mia Hamm victory pose, held the box over my head and shouted, "YYYYYEEEEEESSSSSSS!"

No I didn't...that would be too overly dramatic.

OKAY OKAY I can't lie to you - yes I did actually do that. Don't judge. Black Friday does weird things to people. I blame the Michigan jacket.

Once my camera was secured, we headed to look for Rex's items. He wanted a roll up keyboard, a beard trimmer, a tea kettle for his grandma (aw!), and an ipod dock for his little brother. WE GOT EVERYTHING! Can you believe it? Usually something sells out before we get to it, but we got everything we wanted! Cara and my Dad secured all of their treasures too! We all agreed that it was the most successful Black Friday ever. It was so much fun that, after our traditional victory breakfast at McDonalds, Rex and Cara and I went out to a bunch of other stores just to hang out and watch the madness.

It is such a shame that this day only comes once a year. Only 361 days until Black Friday 2011!

This is why I am a teacher

I don't mean to inundate you with teacher posts, but this simply HAS to be blogged about. I think everyone wonders at some time or another, "Do I really like what I am doing with my life?" Well, today I had one of those moments that validates in my head, "Yes, I am so happy being a teacher, and I could never see myself doing anything else." I have the pleasure of having those moments quite often because my job ROCKS, but today was especially poignant. There is a student in my class, we will call him Billy, who gets in trouble a lot and is really chatty during class. Actually, when Rex came to our Thanksgiving feast, one of the comments he made to me was, "Well, obviously Billy is a handful." He really is. He's hilarious and will probably win "Class Clown" in high school, but the class clown is never on the teacher's list of favorites.

In the spirit of Thanksgiving (which is only two days away!!), Billy came up to me after class and handed me a note. It said:

Dear Mrs. Webb,

You are one of the funnest teachers I have had in my life. Your fun, energetic, and when I'm sad you make me happy. There has never been a day that you weren't fun. You make very funny stories about your cat. You make math fun with games, rap, etc. I hope you don't leave any time soon.

Sincerely,
Billy


I literally had tears in my eyes after reading that (good thing I read it after he left)...what nice things to say! I need to keep this filed away somewhere so I can read it when he is driving me crazy. Ha ha!

I love my job

I decided I really can't wait until I have a whole pile of stories to post, because then I forget a bunch of them. Here are the latest:

1. Jimmy came up to me and said, "Mrs. Webb, I shot a parrot!" Well, he instantly had my attention. "Really, Jimmy? A parrot? Why don't you tell me about that?" He said, "Well, I was squirrel hunting behind my house. My neighbor lets her parrot fly outside sometimes, and it landed in a tree. There was also a squirrel in that tree, and I really really really meant to hit the squirrel, but I missed and hit the parrot." In response to my alarmed face, he clarified, "It didn't die!! I just hit its wing with one of the BB's. It is kinda gimpy now, though." I congratulated him on being the only person I have ever met in my entire life who has shot a parrot. I know a lot of hunters too, so that is saying something.

2. Charlie came up to me and said, "Mrs. Webb, I like Christmas all except for one thing." I asked him what that was, and he said, "No more school, which means no YOU!" Awwww...brownie points. That kid is SO getting an A. ;-)

3. In teaching a lesson about the Supreme Court, I used the example of Brown vs. Board of Education to explain what types of cases would make it all the way to the Supreme Court. I explained how, back in the day, students with different skin colors had to go to different schools. People back then thought this was unfair, so the issue went all the way to the Supreme Court. One student, Trevon, raised his hand and said, "What about mixed race children like me? Which school would I go to?" I thought about it and said, "Actually...you probably wouldn't exist since mixed race couples were a major no-no. You would have been a high scandal. And if you did exist, you probably would have been homeschooled since no schools would want you. Good thing we have the Supreme Court, huh?" We all agreed that this is a good thing.

4. If you recall from a previous post, I have a student who is convinced that Rex is a dog because "Rex is not a person name!" Well, Rex volunteered (erm, I volunteered him) to help out with our Thanksgiving feast today. The student ran up to him and said, "Are you Mr. Webb?!?" Rex said yes, and I gloated, "HA! See!?! He IS a person! I have proof now!!!" Rex turned to the student and whispered conspiratorially, "Unless, of course, I am actually a dog, but I am a magic dog who likes to change into human form when Mrs. Webb takes me out in public." THANKS A LOT, REX!!!! I thought I was finally done trying to prove the humanity of my husband...but I guess I was wrong.

Can you BELIEVE people get paid to do this every day?!?!? Teaching is the best. I bet you wish you were an Ed major.

Those Darn Kids

I was going to wait until I had a full arsenal of teacher stories with which to blog, but at the prompting of Lauren Kusler I have realized that too many days have gone by since my last post. To my loyal readers: I apologize. So this post might be a bit thin, but at least it is something! Here are some of my latest tales from sixth grade. As always, names have been changed.

1. Today in social studies we were talking about the US government and how it has three branches. When asked what the three branches of the federal government are, Mike answered "I know! It's judicial, legislative, and...um...execution!!" Close, Mike, but not quite there.

2. Jesse (a guy's guy who plays sports and generally makes every attempt to be manly) walked into math class carrying a bright pink binder. At my raised eyebrow he said, "This isn't mine!! It's Sara's. I'm her slave." As my eyebrows raised higher, he said, "No, it's cool. I carry all of her stuff and she pays me $5 a week." Satisfied that he had explained himself, he proceeded into math class. A minute later, Sara flounced in with a smug smile and her nose in the air, obviously proud that she is "above" carrying her own school supplies.

3. Every time I mention Rex, I have one student who is convinced he is my dog. He always says, "But Rex isn't a person name! It is a dog name!" So yeah, apparently I live alone and am really lonely all the time, so I just pretend that my dog is actually my husband so that I will feel better about myself.

4. Last weekend Rex and I went home for his grandfather's funeral. This caused me to miss a day of school. When I got back, all of the students wanted to know where I had gone. I told them that I was at a funeral. Steven jokingly inquired, "What, did Rex die?" and I said, "No, but wouldn't you feel bad if that was what really happened?" Then Matt piped up, "I would be happy, because then I could marry you!"

Wal-Mart at 8 AM

Have you ever been to Wal-Mart at 8 AM on a weekday? I have.

What, you may ask, is so blog-worthy about Wal-Mart at 8 AM on a weekday? Well, if you are asking that question, you have obviously never had that experience. Otherwise you would have already blogged about it.

Today I went with my mother in law to go grocery shopping. Rex and I are in Kalamazoo this weekend, and he left at 4 AM to go fishing with his dad. His two brothers went off to school (it is Friday, after all), and that left me and Rex's mom. She bought me breakfast at McDonalds (YUM!!), and then we drove over to Wal-Mart to go grocery shopping.

First of all, we showed up to an EMPTY parking lot. It was so empty that I wondered if Wal-Mart was closed. Then I wondered where all of the employees park. Anyway, it was empty. So we pulled into the absolute closest space to the door, parked, and started to eat our breakfasts. About halfway through, an OLD man pulled up into the parking space directly across from us. I mean, out of the thousands of empty parking spaces, he wanted to choose that one?! So Rex's mom was like, "Ahh! Don't look at him! He's glaring at us!" Naturally, I looked at him. The man was sitting in his car, watching us eat breakfast like a hawk watches a mouse eat seeds. I don't know what his problem was. I will say, though, that five minutes later when we finished our breakfast and went to go inside, the man was still inside his car staring at us. WEIRD.

When we went into Wal-Mart, the store was about as empty as the parking lot. As time wore on, a few more people started coming in. They were 95% senior citizens, though. You would have thought it was "Senior Speacial" day or something. So luckily, the aisle for laxatives was pretty busy but there was no line for Velveeta cheese. We got our shopping done pretty fast.

When it was time to go, we decided to go to the self check-out lane. "Welcome to Wal-Mart!" the machine whirred pleasantly. Because the store was so empty and quiet, though, it sounded like, "WELCOME TO WAL-MART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" It echoed off of the industrial walls, and I wondered if there was a way to turn the machine down. It was SO LOUD. I figured that usually with all of the hustle and bustle in the store, the machine needs to be that loud. In a near empty store, though, it sounded obnoxious. I guess it is helpful for all of the old people, though, because they won't even have to turn up their hearing aids in order to do the self checkout.

Who am I kidding. Old people don't use the self checkout lane. All of that "new fangled technology" is too much for their antique brains.

When we went out to the car an unloaded all of the groceries, I volunteered to go put the cart back. I was the FIRST CART in the cart pick up thingy! That has never happened to me before! I was the very first cart to be put back in the whole parking lot! I looked around to see if I won some sort of prize or something, but I didn't. Apparently that isn't as cool as I think it is...but I think it is pretty cool.

I need to do early morning grocery shopping more often.

Cougars. Rawr.

Our neighbors Kyle and Karl are getting married!! WHOO HOO!! Oh, and to clarify in case you were wondering: Kyle is a girl.

Anyway, Kyle and Karl's engagement party was on Saturday. It was a PILE of fun. They invited us to come out to the "Watershed," a small restaurant/bar down the street from our apartment complex. Rex and I were expecting a sort of "Main Street Pub" type atmosphere, where it is 80% restaurant and 20% creepy old men hanging out at the bar.

Nope. Not true. We showed up at this small, slightly run down building at the corner of Boonies and Nowhere, and we started planning how long we needed to stay at the party in order to be polite. We walked in, and we were blinded by literally thousands of orange Christmas lights (presumably up from Halloween) decorating every available wall space and every rafter. A dance floor was being run by a DJ in the corner who had disco lights set up to create a "clubby" atmosphere.

Despite the attempts at the "club" atmosphere, the average age of the patrons at that bar was probably hovering around 50. DO NOT, however, make the mistake of thinking that these people wanted to act like 50 year olds. They were all into the "club" thing, no doubt reliving their glory days of fraternity parties back when disco lights were the new-fangled thing.

Let me tell you, the party ended up being one of the funnest I have ever attended. People watching got funnier and funnier as the night wore on (and as these semi-centurions had more and more to drink). If you have never seen a fat bald man with a white beard moving his hips "like yeah" and throwing his hands in the air to Miley Cyrus's "Party in the USA," then trust me - you have not truly lived. Watching a woman who could be my mom grinding up against this man's protruding gut while trying to make sure her fake boobs stayed put in her too-tight shirt? Well, that just made it even better.

The ratio of women to men was about 6:1, so even the fat bald ones (which constituted 90% of them) got lots of action. Some of the women tried to dress all "hip," as if they had picked up a Seventeen magazine on the way to the bar and then swung by the mall to pick up everything that the cover girl was wearing. Other women dressed like they were in a time warp, with sweaters that were manufactured circa 1991, high-rise jeans, and lace up ankle boots (no joke). I'm sure that that outfit used to be sexy...no wait, I'm really not.

To all of my readers: PLEASE never let me become this. NEVER. It was hilarious to watch, but slightly terrifying at the same time. Where do these people COME from?! Then again, I can see myself frequenting this "bar" much more often now that I know of them, so I guess I hope they don't wise up and go do normal grown-up things anytime soon.

Holiday Hauntings

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU!!

Am I the first one to say that to you this season? I hope so! Probably not, though, because Halloween was six whole days ago. Ever since then, the world has gone Christmas Crazy!

Rex and I went out running errands today, and it was the first time I have really gone out into the world of retail since Halloween. Holiday cheer is IN YOUR FACE wherever you go. At PetSmart, the door was covered in signs that said, "Seasons Greetings!" "Happy Hanukkah!" "Happy Kwanzaa!" "Merry Christmas!" and every other holiday that happens this time of year...some that I have not even heard of. There were holiday pet costumes for sale - want to dress up your dog as a menorah? I don't.

The seasonal items in PetSmart were really only a training ground for the abundance of holiday cheer items I was suffocated with at Macy's. As soon as we walked in, there was a table of happy children scribbling their letters to Santa, which they dropped into a waist-high red mailbox labeled "SANTA MAIL - PICKED UP DAILY." There were ornaments hanging from miles of garlands which snaked their way around the ceiling and over the glittering counters. There were people bustling around with flushed cheeks and wearing their new winter coats. People were hurrying toward the "Holiday Sale!" racks and purchasing piles upon piles of clothes, as if the "Holiday Sale!" was only going to go through tomorrow. You would have thought it was December 24. I checked my phone to see if I had fallen into some sort of time warp, but no - the date is only November 6.

Walmart was decked out in Christmas decorations for sale. A forest of Christmas trees decorated half of the store. Aisles and aisles of ornaments screamed, "Pick me! Pick me!" Toys that used to be hidden away in the toy department are now proudly displayed in the middle of the store so that the bright fluorescent lights can make them look even brighter and more enticing to unintentionally greedy children (no doubt they will add these toys to the "Santa List" they are about to go mail at Macy's).

Even Home Depot caught the holiday bug. We walked in to see all of the walls at the front of the store painted in bright murals. One was a living room scene which had a bright fireplace with stockings hanging up above it. The names on the stockings were "Rex" and "Chris." No lie. What are the odds of THAT?? It was weird. Home Depot was even giving away free popcorn to kick off the Christmas season! YUM!

I don't know quite what has happened to the world. Christmas is still 48 days away! Plus, Halloween JUST ended! Is there a little storage of elves hanging out in the stockrooms of each store all year, just waiting for the last piece of Halloween candy to be handed out so that - BAM!!!!! - they can come out at night and cover the store in their North Pole necessities? I think that must be what happens. There is no other explanation for how these Christmas decorations have appeared so suddenly, before my pumpkins have even begun to rot.

Even more teacher stories

Sorry to inundate you with teacher stories...but I just can't resist sharing the awesomeness of my students. As always, names have been changed.

1. I got a really embarrassing case of the hiccups during math class. Have you ever tried to teach with hiccups? It's rough. No one takes you seriously. Anyway, the next morning Maria came in to school and said, "Mrs. Webb? Remember when you got the hiccups? Well, I know that the best way to get rid of hiccups is to eat an entire pack of smarties at once. It always works for me. So here - I brought you a pack of smarties that you can keep in your desk in case of a hiccup emergency." Awww...she's sweet (and so is the candy!).

2. I made up a math rap "Always check your work" in order to help students remember to check their work. I had been nagging the students to check their work for some time, and in an act of desperation I said, "I don't care WHAT you have to do! Write it on your hand! Tatoo it on your forehead! Make it into a rap! Whatever you have to do!" One student said jokingly, "Mrs. Webb, YOU should make a rap for us!" They all laughed at the thought of a teacher making up a math rap. OBVIOUSLY they don't know me very well. I sent them to do practice problems, and three minutes later I called them back to attention with my freshly written song in hand. "Class, as you requested, here is your 'Check Your Work Rap.'" I paused for effect before I began, and the looks on their faces were PRICELESS. They were mostly along the lines of, "You have GOT to be kidding me...she is not really going to rap...is she?? Oh my gosh I think she is actually going to..." Of course I did. And the next day I heard students in the hall singing my rap. And on the next homework that came in, they almost ALL checked their work. I was pleased.

3. In the wake of my "Check Your Work Rap," one of my students showed up to class bringing a "pimp chain" for me. She made it at home - a giant paper "W" decorated with math symbols and attached to a chunky gold chain to wear around my neck. She said she wanted me to have some "bling" since I am such a gangsta teacher. Ha ha!! Clearly, the only option was to wear it all day.

4. In order to help students remember directions on the number line, I taught them a dance called "The Number Line Dance." I offered extra credit for any students who wanted to teach their parents or siblings the number line dance. All they had to do was bring in a note signed by the person who learned the dance. I promised I would teach it to Rex, and they demanded I bring in a note from him as well. Here are some of the notes I got back:
1. This one was in little kid scrawl (very cute): "My brother taught me the Number Line Dance. Now I can do it too. WORD!!"
2. This is from a lawyer parent: "Johnny taught me the number line dance that he learned in class. He taught it to me at approximately 7:30 PM on 11/1/2010 and seems very proficient."
3. This is from a parent who probably wants to kill me: "Jodi taught the whole family the number line dance. She seemed VERY CONCERNED that we all got the words and motions EXACTLY right."
4. This is Rex's note: "Class - This note is to verify that Christine Webb taught me the Number Line Dance. We did the dance at breakfast because the Number Line Dance is always a great way to start your day."

That is only a small sampling...basically I am going to start asking for notes from home a lot more often because they are HILARIOUS!!

Life in sixth grade is awesome...perhaps I will never leave.