Persuasive Essays

Just a real quick post for you about Thanksgiving...

The day before Thanksgiving Break, I had my students do a persuasive writing activity in conjunction with the fourth and fifth grade classes (I teach junior high).  Students had to choose a writing prompt and write a one(ish) page essay responding to that prompt.  Here are some excerpts from a few of my favorites.  I LOVE my job.  That's really all there is to say about that.

Prompt:  Write from the point of view of a turkey and convince people to not eat you.

Response: 

          I am a nice little innocent turkey, and why do you want to eat me?  What did I ever do to you?  First reason why you shouldn't eat me: I could be sick with anthrax and you might not notice it.  Then you'll be angry for eating me.  Turkey is very expensive, and then you'll be broke sitting under an overpass with no bed or house to live in.  You will be sitting under a bridge and you won't get a wink of sleep.  Then you'll think back and say, "I'm so stupid that I got that expensive turkey."  Your cook may be dumb and blind and might not cook me thoroughly.  He might not have killed me thoroughly, and when you go to eat it my nerves might react and my wings or legs might flop over the table and your wife might faint because of the awful sight.  I could be very lardy and fat, and your thanksgiving day turkey will be made of big chunks of fat.  Next time you think of getting a turkey, just remember the wise turkey who told you the reasons why you shouldn't get a turkey for thanksgiving.

Prompt:  Write from the point of view of the pilgrims to convince the Native Americans that you are a friendly people.

Response: 

Dear Savages,

 

I know that previous explorers have killed your people, spread disease, and made you slaves.  That is not why we've come.  We strive for peace.  If you agree to not storm our forts and wreak havoc on our peaceful civilization, we will not retaliate and burn your teepees to the ground.  I would like to extend the olive branch.  We pilgrims are having a dinner party.  It would be very appreciated if you would bring a dish to pass, or rather, various dishes as it has been a sparse summer.  Business casual.

 

Long live our King,

The Pilgrims

Independent Woman

Rex has been gone for almost five months.  GROSS.  I hate it.  Only 32 more days until he's home for good, but who's counting?  I never really realized how dependent I was on him until he was gone.  It's handy to have a guy in my life - he lifts the heavy stuff, zips up my dress if I can't reach the zipper, fixes the car when it won't start, etc.  Confession: he even braids my hair when I want it braided.  I don't know how to braid my own hair, which is actually ridiculous. I just never learned.

Slowly but surely, I'm learning how to do all of "Rex's stuff" on my own.  It's weird and oddly satisfying to live on my own.  It's like, "Hey, I can do this. Not that I want to...but it's cool that I can."  Does that make any sense? 

Anyway, today I had an awesome "go me," independent woman experience (please cue "Independent Woman" by Destiny's Child in your head as you read this).  My toilet broke, and I panicked.  It wasn't clogged - don't think anything nasty, you nasty - but when I got home from school the water was just running and running, and it wouldn't stop.  The bowl wasn't overflowed or anything, but it just kept refilling itself for no apparent reason.

Now, we only have one toilet in the house, and I had been teaching all day so I really wanted to use it.  Unfortunately, I couldn't.  It was running, and the flusher wouldn't do anything to stop it.  I immediately picked up my phone to call Rex, but then I remembered that he was hunting and probably wouldn't want to scare all the deer away while he discussed plumbing problems with me.  Instead, I called my dad.  He didn't answer.

I stared at the toilet, perplexed.  I thought about peeing in the shower, but that's disgusting.  I thought about getting in my car and driving somewhere else to use their bathroom, but then I thought to myself, "This is ridiculous.  You're a college-educated twenty-four year old.  You're not going to be defeated by a toilet."

I spent the next twenty minutes on the internet researching how toilets work.  It was actually kind of interesting - have you ever studied the evolution of a modern toilet?  Well, I have.  I studied diagrams and looked up trouble shooting pages about everything that can go wrong with your toilet (which is apparently a lot of different things). After all of that research I really, really had to go, so I marched back into the bathroom with my newfound knowledge, ready to take on my porcelain foe.

I opened the tank part of the toilet, and I noticed that the flapper was up.  WELL, that's supposed to be down when the toilet's not running, so I put it down.  Unfortunately, it picked back up.  Stubborn little thing.  I tinkered around with some parts and took some stuff apart, and finally I lengthened the chain from the flusher doohickey to the flapper thing (my terminology...not sure what they're actually called).  Once I lengthened the chain, the toilet water stopped running, and the toilet magically worked!  Whooo hoooo!  I'm one exposed butt crack away from being a plumber!

Anyway, it was a personal triumph.  I beat my toilet.  Now if only I could braid my own hair...

Why I Was Late For Work Today

Why I was late to work this morning (or, in other words, the letter I didn't actually send to my boss).

 

Dear Boss,

 

I'm very sorry that I was late to work this morning.  I didn't mean to be.  Really, though, it wasn't my fault.  You see, I've been living in Nevada for the past few years.  We don't believe in snow there.  When it snowed last night, that put my whole world into a tailspin.

 

I woke up this morning, looked out the window, and freaked out.  SNOW?!?!?!  The magical powder that had been reduced to a distant memory was now suddenly in my life again?!  I couldn't decide how I felt about it.  Happy?  Sad?  Angry?  Excited?  I needed to call a therapist to sort out all of these emotions.  Unfortunately, it was 6:30 AM, so I had to soldier on alone.

 

I decided to proceed with my morning routine as usual.  Things were pretty normal when I was in my house, but when I took the dog out for a walk...well...things didn't go as usual.  Elvis has never seen snow, you see, so he completely freaked out and wouldn't go to the bathroom.  His tail was between his legs, his hair was raised his back, and his legs were spread out in all directions as far as they would go, as if somehow he could avoid the snow if he just stretched out enough.  He kept sniffing the snow and then jumping back as if it bit him.  I think the coldness surprised him.  Do you have a dog, Boss?  Have you ever taken him out and he wouldn't go to the bathroom?  You can't just take him back inside and LEAVE him there in his cage all day.  His bladder will explode!  He'll call PETA and they'll take you to animal cruelty jail!  I couldn't do that.  It would be too horrible (I thought).

 

But then...after standing in the snow for ten minutes waiting for Elvis to go, I decided to just leave him in his kennel.  PETA might call, but I was cold and he was really freaked out by the snow.  He was about to go into a full-blown canine panic attack, I could tell.  It's more cruel to torture him with fear than to make him have to hold his pee, right?  Right.  Which brings me to my next point - I need to leave at lunch to let the dog out.  I hope that's okay.

 

So anyway, I finished bringing Elvis inside, then I got my things together and got into my car.  Unfortunately, there was ice on the windshield.  Now, I remember back in my childhood my parents had a tool called an "ice scraper" that would scrape ice off of the car.  Since my car has been in the desert for the past few years, I have no ice scraper.  I looked all around the car and in my purse for tools, and the only thing I came up with was a credit card. 

 

I sighed and decided to use my credit card to wipe the ice off of my windshield.  I tried to get out of my car but discovered I was stuck.  The driver's side door handle is broken, so I have to roll down the window to open the door from the outside.  When I went to roll down the window, I discovered that the window was frozen in the "up" position.  Fabulous.  So I was trapped in my ice cave of a car.

 

I made my great escape by climbing into the back seat and opening that door.  Then I went to the front and executed my (largely unsuccessful) credit card ice scraper plan.  I'm pretty sure I got some ice shards in my fingernails, but hey - anything to get to work!  Aren't I dedicated?!

 

I toiled restlessly until I had cleared off enough ice to drive to school, but alas - I was late.  A thousand apologies.  It won't happen again.

 

Until it snows again.

 

Then I make no promises.

 

Your loyal employee,

Christine