My Husband the Dweeb

I know I've been writing a lot about teaching lately. Let me take a break from that for a moment so I can tell you about my husband and his inexplicable antics.

I left for a conference for five days, and when I came back he was even weirder than when I left. That is QUITE the accomplishment.

He now wears a bandana every day. He wears it around his head like a manly headband. Obviously the picture below is not Rex, but I'm just trying to illustrate the style in which he sports this new accessory:



At first I thought it was a fluke, and I decided to let it go. After he kept it on for a while, though, I was forced to ask: "Rex, why are you wearing a bandana?"

He looked at me as if I asked why he was breathing, and he responded with an indignant, "Because it's COOL."

Um...okay. I let it go for a while more, but when he put it on again this morning I decided I had to probe further.

Me: So...about that bandana. Why, exactly, did you start wearing it?
Rex: I'm making it happen.
Me: Oh, like a trend?
Rex: Yeah, it's pretty much awesome. I'm a trendsetter. It's going to catch on.
Me: Why a bandana?
Rex: While you were gone, I went to Wal-Mart to get milk. I saw this bandana for sale and thought, "You know what would be cool? A bandana."
Me: You look like a weirdo.
Rex: That's because it hasn't caught on yet. I look really cool.
Me: You look like a pirate ninja.
Rex: Well, I love it. I bought four so I can wear them everyday.

Good lord. My husband has lost his marbles. People are going to start talking about us as "that guy with the bandana and the girl who's always with him." He looks like he's going to karate chop someone at any moment. He looks like Rosie the Riveter. His hair sticks out of the side of the bandana at odd angles, and when it grows a little bit longer he's going to start looking like a poisonous mushroom. Is he planning on wearing his bandanas to church? I don't know what to do with this.

I always knew I married a weirdo, but he continues to surprise me. I guess husbands can do worse things than try to start odd trends, though. I think I'll wait this one out for a while and see if it wears off.

And if that fails, perhaps I will just "accidentally" let the puppy shred the bandanas. It's a thought.

Conference

My conference has been really fun so far! Most of the sessions have been very informative, and I've learned SO much. I'm completely overwhelmed with all of the information. I was in a really boring session today, though, so towards the end of it I started writing a letter to Rex instead of taking notes. I really enjoyed writing it, and upon proofreading it I discovered that it might actually make a funny blog post. Even though I wrote it for Rex, I am now going to share it with all of you!

Dear Rex,

This woman's voice is driving me crazy. She sounds like Moaning Myrtle from Harry Potter. It's obnoxious. She thinks she's really funny, but actually she's boring. That stinks, because most of my sessions have been AWESOME. This one isn't, though, so I'm writing a note to you instead of taking notes on the presentation as I should. Ha ha! I'm so rebellious. It's just like government class in high school. I wish you were sitting in front of me right now like you did in Mr. Bolt's class. I'm having fun here, but I miss you a lot.

Okay, here's a quote from my presenter: "...and if you do that, your students will be so bored that they'll start putting beans in their ears. Ha ha ha!!!" Lady, you're not funny. Please give me some beans to stick in my ears. You're killing me.

Her powerpoint shut off! She's freaking out trying to fix it. She's yelling, "TECH! TECHEEEEEEEEE! HELP!" She's just yelling into her micropone. Oh goodness. This is my favorite part of the presentation so far. Maybe we'll finish early!
Crap. Someone in the audience is technologically savvy and helped her fix it. I think we all hate him now. My glimmer of hope has been extinguished.

She's jumped back into her presentation now. She made some inexplicable joke about a tightrope and started laughing so hard that she had to squat down. Literally no one in the audience cracked a smile. We're not trying to be rude; she's just not making any sense!

Here's another gem: (she's talking about uncommon words now, and how just because they're uncommon does not mean they're difficult) "How many times have you read about raccoons today? Hmmmm? Hey - it looks like 'lunchbox' and 'virus' finally have something in common. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Oh my.

This lecture has gotten much more exciting now that I'm transcribing the highlights for you. It was supposed to end a couple of minutes ago, though, and she's still waxing on about "Zipf's Law." The day that I win on Cash Cab because I know about Zipf's Law, I will call her up and thank her. Until then, though, she's driving me a bit nuts.

I'm going to conclude this letter in VERBATIM the exact way that she just concluded her presentation: "Uhhhh...that's it."

Love,
Christine

Professional

I am a professional. I am a professional. I am a professional.

I think.

But would a professional leave her phone under a napkin at a restaurant on her very first big-girl business trip? Hmmmmmm? Would she? No.

So I'm kind of professional. Almost a professional. A professional wannabe?
But I have my brand-new-with-tags-on $280 Calvin Klein suit in my bag! Doesn't that make me at least a little bit professional?! DOESN'T IT?!

Here's what happened.

My school is sending me to Orlando to attend a conference. Only five teachers in the whole K-8 school got chosen (we have over 30!), and I was one of them. AHHHH! I'm a first year, and my boss wants ME to represent our school?! No pressure. No other first years were chosen, so I feel like I'm way out of my league here.

Since Saturday, I've dragged Rex to (no lie) 8+ stores trying to find a suit to wear to this conference. My friend (and roommate on this trip) is named Shelley, and she's awesome but she's also the most fashionable person I've ever met. It's a bit intimidating. She said I DEFINITELY need a suit since everyone who's anyone will be wearing a suit at this conference. She's been to a bunch of these before, so I figured she would know.

The problem is, suits are EXPENSIVE. I started at Goodwill to try to find one, but no luck. Well, they had one that was bright (BRIGHT) blue with giant fake jewels all over it, but I didn't really think that's what Shelley was suggesting for me. All the other stores I went to either didn't have my size or were way out of my price range.

Last night, I resigned myself to being the unfashionable one without a suit to wear. I packed up my most businesslike dress and just hoped that they wouldn't hold me accountable to the suit standard since this is my first time at the conference.

Rex surprised me with a fancy dinner date last night to say goodbye. On our way to dinner, we passed a Burlington Coat Factory. I exclaimed, "Hey, we haven't tried there! Maybe they have a suit!" Because my husband loves me, he didn't even roll his eyes or anything. He just drove into the parking lot and steeled himself for another shopping trip. "This is the last store," I promised. "If they don't have a suit, I swear I won't make you look anywhere else."

To make a long story short, they had a beautiful charcoal gray business suit from Calvin Klein on clearance for only $49.99! WHOO HOO! And it FIT! I was so happy. I was now armed with my suit and my kindle (which I got for free with my Office Max teacher rewards points!), so I figured I was about as businesslike as I was going to get.

Rex dropped me off at the airport this morning at 7:00 even though my plane doesn't leave until 10:50. He had to get to class. Knowing I had time to kill, I stopped into the fanciest restaurant I could find for some breakfast. After all, my school gave me a food allowance! I get $266 for a four-day trip. I literally don't know how I'm going to spend that much money on food, seeing as three or four of my meals are already provided by the conference. Whatever I don't spend of the $266 I have to give back, though, so my boss said, "Live a little. Get some good snacks at the airport. You might as well spend it all since you can't keep it." So I ordered the most expensive thing on the menu just because I could. I'm so not used to this. Usually on vacations my dad would give each of us $2 for the dollar menu at McDonalds. Now I have to spend $66.50 per day on food?! That's a week of grocery money PER DAY!

Anyway, I had a delicious meal of some fancy scrambled egg concoction with salsa and cheese and other fancy things, breakfast potatoes, and an orange juice. It was delicious, but it cost $17.50! For BREAKFAST. When she brought the bill, my stomach knotted up. Was I really about to spend $17.50 on ONE MEAL? Yep, I was. I paid the bill, but I was so flustered about my expensive meal and the fact that the woman at the table next to me was YELLING at her husband...that I left my phone under my napkin.

I didn't know this (obviously), and I was just in a hurry to get away from rabid wife and on to my gate. Her poor husband... I wanted to leave him an encouraging note or something: "You can do it! She'll have to run out of steam eventually!" She'd been yelling for twenty minutes, though, and she hadn't run out of steam yet. Poor guy. I don't even know what she was mad about, and I'd been hearing her rant for almost my entire breakfast. Oh well.

I hurried to the Hudson News convenience store to get some gum for my flight. A pack of raisinettes looked pretty good...but it was $3.99 for a bag! I immediately put them back. I decided to go get my favorite drink - a Vitamin Water. Vitamin Waters were $3.49! Stupid airport prices... I was about to turn and walk out of the store empty handed, but then I thought, "Okay Christine, when else in your life are you going to even have the OPTION to buy a $4 bag of rasinettes? Probably never." So I marched up to the counter and spent $9 on my candy, Vitamin Water, and a pack of gum. Oh my...I might be able to use this food allowance faster than I thought!

I settled into Verizon's "Recharge Station" to plug in my computer and write this fabulous blog, but I figured I should text Rex first to let him know that I was safely through security. Unfortunately, I didn't have my phone. AHHHHHHH! I couldn't believe I had already screwed up so badly, and I was only about a half hour into my trip. I rushed back to the restaurant, and luckily the waitress had found my phone under the napkin and kept it for me. Hooray for honest people!

So now here I am at the Verizon Recharge station, writing this blog as I charge my phone and my kindle. Hopefully I've already made the biggest mistake that I'll make on this trip, and luckily none of my coworkers are here to have witness my slip-up. I will pull it together. Starting....NOW. As of 8:43 on 11/9/11 - I am now a professional. I will have good posture, wear posh clothes, and I WILL NOT lose any more of my stuff.

Girl Code

Please take a second to check out this conversation that went down between a student and I yesterday. She was arguing with her friend about something (but I couldn't hear what). She suddenly said, "I bet Mrs. Webb would agree!" Here's what happened...

Student: I bet Mrs. Webb would agree! Hey, Mrs. Webb - isn't there such a thing as "girl code"?

Me: Of COURSE there is!

Student: And what is rule #1 of said girl code?

Me: Don't date your best friend's ex.

Student: (to her friend) SEE?! I TOLD YOU! EVEN MRS. WEBB KNOWS IT!


Ha ha ha...I couldn't believe I gave her exactly what she was looking for. I'm not sure what to think about the fact that the girl code and it's numbered rules are universal and have not changed since I first heard about them. Girls are crazy... But we live by THE CODE!

Kim Kardashian

After 72 days of marriage, Kim Kardashian has filed for divorce.

Imagine Rex's surprise as, when I saw this on TV while I was working out, I immediately jumped up and said, "CRAP - I have to change my lesson plans for tomorrow!"

You see, my seventh grade boys are IN LOVE with Kim K. They have pictures of her all over their binders, backpacks, etc. It's actually kinda creepy, considering that she's 31 and they're 12, but alas. I have been telling them all year to lay off because she is MARRIED, but they have all been telling me that it will never last. I knew they were going to want to talk about it the following day (and, sure enough, the boys accosted me with their jubilation first thing in the morning. They even brought food for a party). I figured I would use their enthusiasm to my advantage.

When the seventh grade students came into class during third period, their warm-up writing assignment was on the board: KIM KARDASHIAN HAS FILED FOR DIVORCE. PLEASE RESPOND TO THIS IN YOUR WRITING JOURNAL BY WRITING AN ESSAY WITH ONE OF THE FOLLOWING TITLES:
1. "Why I should be Kim K's next husband"
2. "How Kim Kardashian can choose a better husband next time"
3. "Why America's preoccupation with celebrities can be dangerous"

I don't think I've ever laughed so hard in grading essays. For your reading pleasure, here are just a couple of the responses I got for choice #1 (which was obviously the most popular choice). Names have been changed:

1. Kim, I think you and I could be a great couple because I'm the type of person who respects people and would never argue with you. Also, I think you're a great person and I am too. I would treat you right and never do anything bad to you and feed you great food, also I am a very good cook and I will make your favorite food for you. When you're sore I would give a massage and buy a hot tub for you for your problems. I'd also give you great advice for your problems and give you everything you need. I'll also help your family and friends when they need it and try my best to help our around the house. I'm not super tall, but an average height of 5'7".

2. Well, the reason I should be Kim Kardashian's next husband is because I'm an easy guy to please. If I'm your next husband, I won't do much. I'll just sit down, play video games, watch the TV shows, play soccer, and play fantasy soccer online. But first before you marry me, you've got to know a couple of things about me. I play soccer and play video games. I'm hitting puberty kind of late, so lay off the deodorant. So I hope this paragraph inspired you.

3. I think your husband should be me because I love squirrels, my name is Francois, I speak French, and I am a good lover. I do not know if I want kids, but if I do I'll let you pick the name. I'll say things to you like I love the way your eyes sparkle, your smile is like babies laughing, your hair is so awesome, and your personality lights up the room. You are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. Any time you feel gray I will try to make you laugh. I love you and no one can break that.

4. It was November 1, 2011. I was making some chicken nuggets for breakfast. I turned the oven to 400 degrees. My phone vibrated in my pocket. I looked at the screen: contact name "Derek." I answered, and he gave me the news. I just stood there. It would be too much of a commotion to scream or or even to run around the house. I just stood there - knowing there was another chance.
I would be the perfect husband for Kim because usually I answer my phone, I'm funny, a better basketball player than her ex, will listen to her, and I could also bring in a big income! I would be her third husband, and everyone knows that the third time is the charm. I'm smart, good with money, I make great cookies, and will always support and believe in her. That's why I should be her next husband. She made some mistakes in life, but when she marries me she will be flawless.

(This last one was technically responding to prompt #2, but I'm including it anyway).

5. Dear Kim,
Here are the steps to getting a good husband:
1. Call me, Derek Smith (702) 654-0987.
2. Tell me you want to go to lunch.
3. Get to know me.
4. Say yes when I ask you to marry me.
5. Have some progeny, or possibly adopt
6. Live Happily Ever After
I would be a good choice because I am smart, tall, funny, play basketball, am attractive, and I already love you. I will be at your side whenever you need me and I could kiss you all day. I am the best basketball player in the world (better than Kris). I also love dogs and big houses and I looooooooooovvvveee you!





I am SO sending these letters to Kim.