Ashtabeautiful

I have a problem.  I can't turn down a wedding invitation.  The couple lives five hours away and I've only met them once?  I don't care - I'M GOING.

I'm not sure why I'm so obsessed with weddings.  I used to think it was because I was so excited to plan my own, but then I got married and I kept being obsessed with weddings.  About four hours into our five hour drive, Rex asked me why I love weddings so much.  I immediately responded with, "Because I like to believe in fairy tales, and the closest thing the world has to a real fairy tale is a wedding day."  I don't even know where that answer came from, but as soon as I said it I decided that it's pretty true.  There's something magic about a wedding day, and I'll chase that magic across the country if necessary.  It's an addiction.  Is there rehab for this?

The wedding last weekend was in Ashtabula, Ohio.  I'm not sure which was weirder - the fact that we went to the wedding or the fact we were invited.  We'd only met the couple once, at Rex's friend's wedding back in January.  I'm not sure why, exactly, they invited us.  Their invitation was a picture of them wearing camouflage and sitting on the back of a pickup truck in the middle of a cornfield - I am not joking.  As soon as I got the invitation, I told Rex that we HAD to go for two reasons:

1. I do not turn down wedding invitations.

2. This was the most stereotypical Midwestern redneck invitation I had EVER SEEN.  I simply had to see the wedding.

Because Rex loves me a ridiculous amount, he said he would take me.  I couldn't believe we were going to drive to ASHTABULA (which is the best name, by the way) to the heart of smalltown America for a veritably anonymous wedding.  Even weirder, I was completely pumped about it.

On our way to Ashtabula, I made a bingo game for us to check off during the wedding and reception.  The following items were on the bingo board:

• Mason jars
• Someone talking about hunting
• Discussion about farming
• Country music
• Shotgun shells
• Burlap
• Camouflage
• American flag
• A pickup truck
• Drunk person
• Talking about guns (bonus for carrying a gun)
• Smell of manure
• Cool belt buckle
• Flannel
• A reference to corn or "the harvest"
• The phrase "the good Lord"
• Awkward reference to sex
• Blaze orange
• Grammar error
• Someone wearing jeans
• Shotgun shells
• Someone wearing cowboy boots

At one point I said, "Rex, I can't find anyone wearing cowboy boots.  Someone HAS to be wearing cowboy boots."  I furtively looked under tables at people's shoes and tried to look nonchalant.  Rex said, "Uh...Christine?"  He looked down.  HE was wearing cowboy boots.  My word.  He was in his home country, for sure.  We would fit right in in Ashtabula.

After the wedding and reception, the only items not crossed off of the list were the following:

• The phrase "the good Lord" (there was lots of talk about God, but that exact phrase did not come up)
• A reference to corn or "the harvest"
• Cool belt buckle

Go back and read the top list, because look at all of the things we DID find.  I mean, shotgun shells?!?  (The guys had them pinned to their lapels to hold the corsages - I KID YOU NOT).  This could have been on a reality TV show as "the most Midwestern wedding ever."  It was a total blast.  I couldn't decide if we got the bonus point for gun carrying or not, because a guy had a holster on but no gun in the holster.  Don't ask me why - I have no idea.  Maybe we got a half point for that one.

Even the ceremony itself was fun.  A guy who looked and sounded remarkably like Owen Wilson talked at about a thousand miles per hour for ten minutes, and then it was over.  The entire wedding took ten minutes!  My favorite part was when he said, "In the garden of Eden, when God decided man should not be alone, what did He create?  No, not a hunting dog.  A woman!"  I almost laughed out loud, both because that's a ridiculous thing to say, but also because of how much Rex loves his hunting dog.  I think Rex might have been secretly born in Ashtabula.

We enjoyed the small-town atmosphere.  We stayed in a local hotel, shopped at local shops, ate at a ridiculous diner filled with Ohio State paraphernalia, and even went to a gun show (because that was the weekend for the Ashtabula gun show - what luck!).  Here are a few pictures from the adventure:

We're almost there!!

I've never seen THIS sign before.  I also can't say that I hate it...  We need more horses on our streets.

We went shopping here in between the wedding and reception.  How could we pass it by?

A giant rocking chair must be climbed.  It was not ladylike getting up there.  Half of Ashtabula saw my underwear while I was climbing it, I'm pretty sure.  There was a road right by the chair.  At least I was wearing cute underwear (and keep in mind, half of Ashtabula is like, ten people).

Rex looked happy here.  No wonder.  This is an entire city of Rexes.

I wonder why this business didn't make it...  We were only about five hours from Niagara Falls...

We were going to be late to the wedding, so I grabbed the first wrapping paper I saw.  It was kind of embarrassing, and it totally didn't match the card.  Oops.

Why weren't "antlers" on my bingo game??  *Sigh*  That would have been a good one.

Hanging out with Rex's friends and the bride and groom.

Please note my sign that says "wedding crasher."  We practically were.

Rex at his gun show the next day.  I almost bought a camouflage duffel bag, but those aren't as popular in Kalamazoo as they are in Ashtabula.  I was catching the fever - good thing we got out of there when we did.

This is where we stopped for lunch.

Decor. Rex's family would not have been pleased.

All in all, it was a great weekend.  I'm really glad we went.  I hope that fifty years from now, the bride and groom look back at their pictures and say, "Who the heck are those random people?"  I also hope that fifty years from now, Rex and I look back at these pictures and think, "What a fun weekend."  It really, really was.  It was Ashtabeautiful.

Christine Webb, D.D.S?

Here is a surprising truth:  I do not want to be a dentist.

Here's another one:  I do not want to attend the University of Michigan.

Perhaps neither of those facts are surprising to you, but they certainly would have been surprising to the 200+ people with whom I attended the U of M dental school open house last weekend.  It definitely would have been surprising to the faculty speakers and to the student representatives who asked if I've started my application yet ("No," I responded.  "I'm still considering my options."  Which, you know, I was...considering options like "what should I have for dinner?")

My brother Jake wanted a wingman to go to with him to this open house.  He does want to be a dentist and also wants to go to Michigan.  He had a reason to be there.  I was just a convincing (or not so convincing) poser.  We drove to Ann Arbor last Saturday morning, and due to a freak snow storm, the roads were horrible.  We left with plenty of time to spare, but going 40 mph on the highway will tend to make you late even if you left early.  Long story short, we showed up to the lecture hall late and couldn't find any seats together.  Apparently a zillion people want to go to Michigan's dental school - who knew?

I ended up sitting by myself between a guy and a girl.  They both had fabulous teeth.  Everyone had fabulous teeth.  I was sitting in a 200 person Colgate ad.  I found myself smiling with closed lips because I didn't want people being all judgy about the fact I hadn't flossed that morning.  Somehow they would inherently know, right?  Dental instinct.

As the speaker was talking, I heard two girls behind me whispering about how nervous they were.  I smiled to myself (closed lipped, of course).  I didn't have to be nervous at all!  I didn't even want to go to dental school!  I decided to have some fun with this situation.  I took out a pen and started taking notes on the back of one of the handouts.  Not serious notes, obviously, because how boring is that?  I took my own style of notes.  The girl next to me was trying to be sneaky about reading over my shoulder, but I absolutely caught her.  This encouraged me to make my notes even weirder.  By the end of the lectures, I'm sure she was ready to call home and say, "I met some of my competition today, and DON'T WORRY - she's a complete moron.  I'm definitely getting in."

Here is a transcript of my notes.  The bold words are what I wrote on the page, and the italicized words are my blog commentary so that you understand what was going on.

(The speaker was talking about the admissions process when I began writing)
MMI - Multiple Mini Interviews
- Ten stations with people asking questions
- Maybe I should speed date for practice on this?
- Brush and floss - DO NOT FORGET

(The speaker went on to talk about different branches of dentistry)
Note to self: Don't do hospital dentistry.  
They see mostly trauma cases - EWWW!

Three years after my DDS, I can get a Masters in one of 9 ADA specialties
- What is a prosthodontist?
- What is endodontics??
- Come to think of it, what does DDS even stand for?  Google this.  (I asked Jake about this afterwards.  Apparently it stands for "Doctor of Dental Surgery."  I probably should have known that if I was applying to the dental school.  Oops.  Come on - you didn't know what it stood for either.  Admit it.)
- So wait, I finish school at age 30?  I won't be out of debt until I'm dead!  And what about all of the fun stuff people do in their twenties??

Go Dental - adea.org/godental
- Not sure what this is.  I wasn't listening until the lady said, "Be sure to write this down."

Costs for Dental School
- $65k/yr in state, $82k/yr out of state.
- "Health Profession Loan"?!  Where was this during PT school??
- Not that I was even in PT school, obviously.  I *heart* teeth.
- "Grad school doesn't offer many scholarships."  Dang.  Rex was right.
- FAFSA forms can now be filled out in October.  
        - Not that this will get you any more money.  *scoff*

(After this, a former U of M dental student got up to speak.  The following notes are on her presentation)
- GREAT teeth.  Are those even real??  No way.
- Slide 1 says "get a dog."  I like this chick.  (The slide really did say that)
- She married a dentist.  Their kids are going to have fantastic teeth.  Jealous.  If I ever have kids, I will WILL them to get Rex's teeth.
- Which is premature, obviously, since I'm only in college and will maybe get married to my bf Rex one day.  Maybe.
- Fluoride is the reason why Germans became Nazis?  What??  (This was a question someone asked the dentist chick once)
- "Why dentistry" slide says to choose dentistry if you like having hobbies.  Umm, I'll be in school until I'm thirty and in debt until I'm dead.  When/with what money will I do hobbies??
- "Do you enjoy using your hands?"  Yes, I do.  That's why I don't want people biting them all the time.
- Why choose Michigan?
1. "Because it's better" (??)
2. "Because we're not pretentious"
      - If you have to say it, you're probably pretentious
      - Also, I'm calling B.S. People at Michigan are pretentious.
- Dr. Pitkorowsi is her mentor - this is a cool name.  Does he have a kid to marry?  "Christine Pitkorowski."  Solid.
- Since, you recall, I am in college and not yet married.
- Dog teeth are different than human teeth, so dogs can't chew lettuce.
- Try this on Ruby
       - Who, by the way, is my friend's dog
- "Critical thinking skills are absolutely awesome"
       - Ummm...is anyone going to disagree with that?
- Why is there no response when people say "go blue"?  It feels awkward not to say anything back.
       - Yet another reason why MSU is better
- For your interview, make sure your hands look nice and your nails are done
- Silver fillings, fluoride, radiographs - form opinions on these (aka call Michelle)
        - What's a radiograph?

Well, there you have it.  Those are all of my dental school notes, which are hopefully the only dental school notes I will ever take.  After the lectures, we went on a tour of the dental school.  I played it cool most of the time, but we went into a lab that had a crate full of mouth models...just these piles and piles of fake jaws full of teeth in various states of nasty.  I literally said, "Ew, gross."  I couldn't help it.  IT WAS DISGUSTING.  I got some weird looks.  I guess I should have been all, "Wow!  AMAZING!  LET ME PLAY WITH THOSE ALL DAY!"  Since, you know, I want to be a dentist and all.

The awkward guy in front of me on the tour kept farting.  LOUD.  Now, I'm no dentist, but I feel like he's going to have to figure that out before working on patients.  I wouldn't want to be sitting in a dental chair, open-mouthed, and have a guy farting himself around the room.

At one point, the dental student giving us the tour showed us the tray of instruments that the dental students use.  A snooty girl asked, "Um, do we have to clean our own instruments here?  Or do we have, you know, people to do that for us?"

Like what, she needs dental minions to boss around?  You're not a dentist, blondie.  You're not even a dental student at this point.  You're a wannabe.  You have no minions.

Also, didn't that speaker establish that people at Michigan are not pretentious?  Hmmm... Looks like this isn't the school for you then.  Sorry.

(In case you were curious, yes the dental students do have to clean their own instruments.  There are, unfortunately, no dental slaves to do their chores).

After the tour, we went to a section of the school that had a career-fair type setup where various student groups could talk to prospective students.  I followed Jake around while he got the information he wanted.  I smiled tightly and pretended that teeth were very interesting (it was a tough sell).  I got a lot of free candy, which I found to be a bit ironic.  I also got a free toothbrush, though, so maybe that balanced it out a little bit.

I think Jake had a good time and got some good information.  I think I gave a lot of people confidence that they can definitely beat me into dental school.  Maybe this will cause them to underestimate their competition and work a little less diligently on their applications (you're welcome, Jake).

I'm sure glad that the world has dentists, but I'm also glad that I'm not one of them.  One day of pre-dental school was enough for me.