Bathroom Battle

Because it is the weekend, I have a bit of extra time to blog! Therefore I will tell you about the epic battle that took place in my bathroom this morning.

It all started because Rex and I were running late for church. We were in the bathroom at the same time, jostling around to try to get our teeth brushed and hair combed as quickly as possible. Rex did something annoying (who remembers what it was now?), and in response I took my toothbrush out of my mouth and smeared it on his face. He was left with a foamy white streak down the side of his cheek.

He responded with, "Oh it is so ON!", quickly grabbed his toothbrush and armed it with a particularly large blob of toothpaste. Realizing that I just started a battle that I didn't know if I could win, I tried to knock the toothbrush out of his hand. It didn't work, and he stuck it in his mouth. He took it out of his mouth and tried to smear the toothpaste on me, but I ducked. In ducking, I lost my balance and tried to grab onto the towel to keep me from hitting the floor. Instead of stabilizing myself, I pulled the towel rod OFF OF THE WALL. It clattered down on top of me.

Showing no mercy, Rex was still coming after me with the slimy toothbrush. I grabbed the towel rod and started using it like a sword, swinging it around in self defense. Rex knew he couldn't get to me without being smashed in the head, so he decided to try a different route. He pulled my perfectly clean church jacket off of the counter and started toward it with the spitty toothbrush. In order to save my jacket, I smashed the jacket with my towel-rod-sword to free it from his clutches. Unfortunately, I hit it a little too hard because it flew threw the air and landed with a sickening "plunk" right in the cat's dirty water bowl! And I mean, that water was DIRTY - brown from all of the food that the cat had accidentally dropped in her water. And my jacket is (was) white! AHHHHHHHHH!

Rex laughed at my horror and ran to the kitchen to put more water on his toothbrush (I was guarding the bathroom sink with my sword). I quickly shut the door and locked it, glad to be safe from the spit. Rex tried to jostle the door open, but I just laughed. He wouldn't be able to get through the modern high-quality locks of our Vegas apartment! I started planning how I could live out the rest of my life in the bathroom. I could drink water from the sink...eat some catfood...is lipstick edible? As I was contemplating these things, Rex PICKED THE LOCK and busted into the bathroom! I screamed as if he were coming at me with a chainsaw instead of a soggy toothbrush (I can only imagine what our neighbors were thinking). Rex backed me into the bathtub and I tried to escape, but as I tried to dash by him I got a big glob of slobbery toothpaste on my arm. EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW!

I guess it was my fault for starting it.

The real lesson to learn here is this: wake up early enough that you do not have to share the bathroom with your spouse.

Nail Polish Nazi

Today I had what was probably the best and worst manicure of my life.

It was the best manicure because I got to go with my friend Jessica, and it's SO FUN to have a girl friend to actually hang out with IN THE FLESH. I love all of my long-distance friends, but it's nice to actually talk to a girl IN PERSON. Especially one who likes to talk about weddings and girly things. :-)

We decided to go to the mall and get manicures and pedicures in order to look all pretty for my party tonight (It starts in an hour and a half! I'm so excited!). I'm also celebrating the fact that I finished by first week of school, and now that I have a full time job I can actually AFFORD luxuries like manicures and pedicures! Seriously, I feel SO rich. And I'm only a teacher. Ha ha! Oh, well. I'm just thankful to have an income.

Anyway, our pedicures were super fun because we were in side-by-side chairs and got to chat the whole time. We both got cute flower designs painted on our toes - with jewels! - and they look fabulous. I should have known the manicure was going to go badly when I complimented the lady who did my toes, saying, "Wow! That looks amazing! Thank you!" and she GLARED at me and didn't say anything. It was as if "Wow! That looks amazing! Thank you!" means something really offensive in her native language. I was just trying to be nice!

So this lady takes me over to a table for my manicure. I asked if I could get a different color on my fingernails than I did on my toenails because I wanted a more "professional" color on my fingers (my toes are bright pink). She said, "NO! I file your nails now." Startled, I said okay. As she was filing, I said, "Could I please have oval shaped nails?" For some reason corners on my nails really bother me. Instead of filing my fingernails to ovals, though, she said, "NO! Ovals are too old for you. You young - I do squares." Umm...okay. I guess squares are fine too. After giving me the shortest hand massage in the history of the world (I'm not exaggerating - she didn't even spread all of the lotion around), she told me to go wash my hands. Because I can be quite cheeky when I'm annoyed, I said, "Okay but since I'm already getting up to wash my hands, could I please choose a different nail polish color?" She said, "NO! I said wash hands!" I tried to bargain. "Okay, I'll wash my hands first, but THEN can I pick a new color?" She gave up, sighed dejectedly, and said, "FINE." Triumphant, I washed my hands and picked my new color. When I came back, she said that I should pay so that I wouldn't have to get into my wallet with freshly painted nails. I mean, I'm pretty sure that's why. All she said to me was, "YOU PAY NOW!" and gave me a nasty scowl as if I were about to try to pay her with banana peels or something. I gave her my credit card, and she went to go charge the purchase. I asked if I could include a tip in the charge, and she scowled again and said, "NO!" Umm...okay. I guess she preferred a cash tip (I know they CAN take tips electronically because Jessica tipped her girl that way). I only had a dollar in cash, though, so I figured to give her only one dollar would probably be offensive so I ended up giving her nothing. I mean, I TRIED to give her a tip! But she was kind of evil anyway so I probably don't feel as badly as I should.

I Get PAID for This!

It's what you've all been waiting for!! (well, what I've been waiting for). The first batch of teacher stories from the 2011-2012 school year! HOORAY!

I am SO HAPPY to have a full-time job teaching middle school language arts - exactly what I wanted to do! Even if I wasn't totally ecstatic, I would have gotten excited when Rex woke me up on the first day of school with breakfast in bed (scrambled eggs and gluten-free muffins!), 18 multicolored roses, and a musical rendition of "Happy First Day of School to You." The day could not have started off any better. He got up at 5:30 to get everything ready! But you didn't decide to read this post to hear me brag about my husband, did you? I didn't think so. I will move on to the main event.

Here it is, folks, the first batch of teacher stories from my FANCY NEW job!!! As always, names have been changed. :-)

1. Today Danny and Kalli were arguing over which word is used to convey "economic hard times" - recession or reception? They came to me to discover which one was correct. I told them that the correct term is "recession," because a "reception" is a big party which usually happens after weddings. Danny said, "Ohhhhh!" as if he had suddenly realized something. I waited for an explanation, and he said, "That makes SO much more sense! When my mom married my stepdad, she said, 'Now it's time for the reception,' and I thought she meant that we were going to be poor because she spent all of the money on the wedding. But she was really just talking about the party!"

2. When giving an introduction presentation, Alison said, "My favorite place to be is Hawaii because it's cold there." I thought I had heard her wrong, but no one else in the class seemed to think that was weird. Then I remembered that it is 115 degrees outside, so Hawaii WOULD seem cold to a Vegas native. Ha!

3. Still on the subject of introduction presentations, Ollie said, "It is a little known fact, but I am actually one of Santa's elves." Jason said, "A fun fact about me is that I always seem to step in gum. Like, every day."

4. Someone was trying to draw a picture of Michigan, and they said, "Hey, Mrs. Webb, have you ever noticed that Michigan looks kind of like a mitten?" I said that yes, I have noticed that before. I showed them how people from Michigan use their hand to show which city they live in, and another student said, "Whoa! People really DO that? I thought it was just a rumor!" I'm not sure why anyone would make up a rumor about that, but okay.

5. As a lot of you know, I keep two rats as classroom pets. At recess time, many students try to sneak back into the building to take advantage of the air conditioning. I periodically check my classroom when I'm on recess duty to make sure no one has tried to get back in there. One day I walked in and there was a girl watching my rats. She looked up and saw that she had been caught, and she knew she was supposed to be outside. Instead of coming up with some sort of excuse as to why she was there, she just arranged her face into an expression of shock and said, "WHOA! Where AM I??!!" and then ran outside. HAHAHAHAHAHA!

6. The students really hate being outside in the hot weather (understandable - it's SO HOT!). I told one of my biracial students that he had to stay outside, and he said, "No! Mrs. Webb! It's too hot out!" I told him that if everyone else could do it, he could too. He responded with, "No fair! Right now I'm only half black, but if I stand outside much longer I'm going to be 100% black and it will be ALL YOUR FAULT!" I told him I could handle the guilt.

7. We have African pen pals, so on the day that I told the students about it we did a little research on the country where our pen pals are from (Sierra Leone). They asked me what language they speak in Sierra Leone, and I told them that many people speak English as well as different regional languages. They didn't understand the idea of "regional languages," so I explained that it would be as if every state in the United States had its own language. Billy raised his hand and said, "I know what Nevada's language would be! It would be, 'Chink...chink...DING DING DING DING DING DING DING!!!'" (general casino noises). It was hilarious, but he's probably right.

My job is awesome - it's like getting paid to go to a comedy club each day. I keep a notepad in my desk, and when students do funny things I jot them down to write in my blog later. After just this first week, I had SEVENTEEN things written down! I chose the best seven for this blog, but that should tell you how funny my students are. You should be a teacher.

Food Network

I have decided that I want to have my own show on the Food Network. I DESERVE it. I am always trying out new recipes, and I think viewers could learn a lot from me! The thing is, I think the show would have to be a comedy show. It's perfect because the Food Network does not currently have a comedy show, so I could fill that niche!

Even though I like to try new recipes, more often than not I fail at them. Tonight is a perfect example. I'm trying this new "gluten free eating" thing, but I really wanted some pasta. I found a recipe for homemade gluten-free pasta, and I decided to attempt it. I should have known better than to try something when I hadn't even heard of half of the ingredients (xanthan gum? tapioca starch?). Still, I pictured myself making fabulous pasta and preparing all sorts of fantastic gluten-free recipes. They would call me "The Girl who Makes Gluten-Free Pasta."

Okay - no one is going to call me that. Rex got home from studying and found me near tears trying to wash sticky gunk off of my hands. When asked what was wrong, I sniffed, "I can't cook anything! I can't even make pasta! What is my problem?!" He tried to reassure me, saying that it can't possibly be that bad. I pointed to the pile of goo sitting on my cutting board. He eyed it thoughtfully and finally came up with, "Um, are you sure you followed all of the directions exactly right?" I couldn't help but laugh - he always thinks of something nice to say, and that's the best he could come up with! I told him that OF COURSE I followed all of the directions exactly (I mean, mostly), but for some reason it just didn't work! He asked why I hadn't rolled out the dough with a rolling pin like the directions said, and I told him that we didn't HAVE a rolling pin. I tried to use his Gander Mountain mug to roll it out, but all that did was cover the mug in dough and cause the remaining blob of sticky dough to look even more pathetic.

Without much option and because I didn't want to waste all of my dough (after all, I worked so hard on it!), I rolled up a sticky piece and dropped it into a boiling pot of water. It looked like an oversized maggot or possibly a really light colored turd. It did NOT look like a noodle. Still, I cooked it.

When I took it out of the pot, I rinsed it off and took a tentative bite. It actually tasted like a noodle! I turned to Rex and exclaimed, "Whoo hoo! It actually tastes like a really thick, blobby noodle!" Suddenly the full taste hit me and I winced. "Except it is pretty garlic-y..." Rex looked at me incredulously and inquired, "WHY would a noodle taste like garlic?" I mumbled sheepishly, "Um, we were out of salt so I used garlic salt because I figured it was pretty much the same."

He immediately started laughing. "GARLIC SALT?? Why would you think you could substitute GARLIC SALT for REGULAR SALT?! HAHAHAHAHA!" I mean, geez louise - who does he think he is, Gordon Ramsay or something? I would like to see HIM try to make pasta from scratch! I mean, yes he would probably go get the right ingredients, roll it with a rolling pin, and roll the noodles correctly, but that is BESIDE THE POINT. I made an EFFORT here. There are already enough Rachel Rays and Paula Deans in the world - it's time for Christine Webb!

I can see it now - a whole show about my cooking hijinks! I'll be like Lucille Ball from "I Love Lucy," but all of my shenanigans will have to do with food. Normal cooking shows have the chef put everything together and then say something along the lines of, "And now, here is one that is all ready to come out of the oven!" I'll do that too, but when I pull MY food out of the oven it will probably look like a pile of vomit. I'll yell, "Hey Zack!" (that's my producer) "Who barfed on my casserole? We can't air this! Go get some take-out for me to show the folks at home!" And then we'll end every episode with a promotion for a new take-out place! So we can pay for the entire production in advertising revenues. As the credits roll at the end of the episode, Rex will walk in, take one look at my food, and say, "Christine...you've got some 'splainin to do!"

It's going to be perfect. Now to find something to eat for dinner tonight...

My First Week

Today, Friday, August 19, 2011, marks the official end of my first week working at Quest Academy! We didn't have students this week, but we still had a lot of work to do.

First of all, coming out here to teach has been fun and overwhelming. It sort of feels like I've been playing little league all of my life, and then suddenly I got drafted into the majors. It's a feeling of "Whoo hoo!" mixed with "Crap. I'm not as good as I thought I was."

One thing that was fun this week is that I discovered being an Education major in college was really like taking a foreign language. I discovered this when, at orientation, our presenter said something along the lines of this:

"Please be sure to use your AIMSWeb and Dibbles to put your students in the appropriate RtI Tier. If they stay in the third Tier for a number of weeks they may be considered LD or EI and you'll have to help with their IEP's or 504's. You need to make sure to differentiate your common core-based instruction to ensure they're ready for the SAT10's and the CRT's. Oh, and please label your lesson plans with the appropriate standards. Example: L.8.12. Don't forget your daily RtI interventions!"

Of course they didn't explain what any of this meant, but I wanted to jump out of my seat and say, "HA! I understood everything you said! I SPEAK EDUCATION!!!!" A college professor would have sloooooooooowed that down and explained everything that could potentially be confusing. In my new job, though, I'm just expected to know all of that stuff. The really fun part is that I DO!!! I would be really lost if I didn't...ha ha. It's good to know that my years in college were worth something.

A weird part of my new job is that my middle school teacher team is a lot older than me. I work primarily with three other teachers, and they all have at least two kids and could probably be my parents. They treat me like an equal (I mean, duh. We're co-workers), but it's hard for me to call them by their first names. I feel like I should be calling them "Mr." and "Mrs." But now I'm ONE OF THEM! WHAAAAAAAT?? It's a very bizarre feeling. It felt even more bizarre when one of them came in and confided in me about her recent divorce and how she's been feeling about it. I tried to be understanding, but I felt like screaming, "AH! I'm only 22! I'M NOT MATURE ENOUGH FOR THIS!" They seem pretty great, though, and I think it will be fun to work with them.

Today the principal bought everyone breakfast to celebrate the end of our first week. Hooray! We went out to a fancy restaurant and spent taxpayer's money on "bonding time." I could get used to this job. I'm setting up a dinner in September for all of the teachers who are new to the school, and I invited the principal because I figured she might want to get to know us better. She said, "Yeah! I'll pay!" I tried to explain that I wasn't asking her to PAY for everyone's dinner, but rather I just wanted to invite her to join us, but she said, "You guys can't pay for your own social event! That's crazy! Of course I'm going to pay for it! And let's go out to eat every month!" Again, I could get used to this.

Last night was parents' night, and I got to meet a lot of my students and their parents. It was really fun! Here are a few highlights:

1. One parent gave me a bottle of wine, saying, "You're going to need this." HA HA!

2. A girl came in after all the parents were gone and said, "Hi Mrs. Webb! Just so you know, I'm a really great artist. Like, REALLY great. And I'm also really good at reading and writing. Oh, and also math." I told her that I was glad she was going to be such a great student, and she said, "Yeah. And if you want proof that I'm a great artist, here it is!" She then proceeded to whip a long brown thing out of her back pocket. I tried to be impressed, but I didn't know what it was. I asked, and she said, "It's a Harry Potter wand, of course! I sanded it myself AND painted it. Now I'm pretty much Hermione." I told her that she is a very accomplished artist.

3. A mom came in and said, "Can I brag on my son?" I responded with "Sure," even though the son was next to her looking very awkward and embarrassed. She said, "Well, last year he won a NATIONAL essay competition! He's a fabulous writer!" I mentioned that that was very impressive, and I would love to take a look at the essay sometime. She immediately said, "Great! I keep a copy in my wallet!" I'm sorry, you keep a copy of your son's award winning essay in your WALLET? Folded up next to the dollar bills? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I only laugh because if I was a mom I would so fully do the same thing, even if it is a tad ridiculous.

All in all, I think this could shape up to be a very good year. Students come Monday! EEEEEK!

Dog Park

Rex and I have a new favorite hangout - the dog park about a half mile from our apartment.

Every night between 8 and 8:30 (we have to go late because it's so hot here during the day) Rex and I meet a bunch of his friends from PT school at the dog park, and we all bring our dogs. Elvis is best friends with a labradoodle named Waffles. They play together and pretend that none of the other dogs are there. Sometimes a dog will come try to play with them and they will look at him as if to say, "Um, excuse me, you are not in our club." Then they will proceed to ignore him. I'm trying to teach Elvis to be more inclusive, but that only really happens when Waffles is gone.

The dog park is a fenced-in field with benches around the sides and some dog toys in the middle. Owners can let their dogs off their leashes so they can just run around and play. Inevitably a few owners bring big jugs of water (tonight Rex did!), and all the dogs share it when they get tired of running around. Tonight was our third night in a row going, and there have been at least a dozen dogs in the park each night. They have everything from big bloodhouds and mastiffs to tiny pugs and pomeranians. They are all so cute and just play together as if they were all the same size. It's so fun to watch.

Tonight was a little different because, for the first time, a few people brought children to the dog park! There was this three year old named Wesley who LOVED Elvis (I mean, obviously - Elvis is always the cutest one there). Wesley chased Elvis around the park for about an hour. His mom made him go get a drink, and as soon as he came back he started looking around manically saying, "Where pup-py? Where pup-py?" As soon as he saw Elvis he screamed and said, "EEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeee! There the puppy!" Then he ran over to tackle Elvis with love but Elvis got freaked out and ran away, so the boy ended up falling in the grass instead. Oops. Undeterred, he got up and kept chasing Elvis. Anytime Wesley would run near another dog he would scream, "BEEP BEEP!" and pretend he was honking a horn to make them get out of the way. It was SO CUTE! Steven, one of our friends, said "Doesn't that make you want to have kids?" I said, "No way. We're not really that serious of a couple - we're just testing out this whole marriage thing to see how it goes." Obviously Steven knew I was joking, but this other guy who was sitting on a bench near us looked at me as if I was something his dog just puked up. Sorry dude! The kid was really cute, though. He kept trying to clap Elvis's tail between his hands, but mostly he missed because Elvis would run away. Even if Wesley was close enough, Elvis was always wagging his tail so it was difficult to catch. Good thing he's a nice dog - I think I would have gotten kind of annoyed.

The next kid that came in was named Joe. He was with his parents and their three dogs. I would guess that he was about seven years old, but he had downs syndrome so he couldn't really talk. I was sitting on a bench, and he came and sat next to me. I said hello and told him that his pug was really cute. He smiled at me, and I smiled back. I went back to watching the dogs, and he slid closer and closer to me until finally he was sitting RIGHT NEXT TO ME and he put his arm around my shoulder! Ha ha! Steven saw it and said, "Hey Rex, I think you've got some competition over here." I said, "Aw, Joe. You're sweet." He mumbled something that I'm pretty sure was supposed to say, "I love you," and then he kissed me on the cheek. Then he went from sitting next to me to sitting on my lap, and I thought, "No problem. He's just little. He wants to watch the dogs together." So we did that for a few minutes before he turned around, flung his arms around my neck, and tried to kiss me ON THE LIPS. I dodged and got another cheek kiss. I said, "Aw, Joe. Thanks. I like you too." Undeterred, he went in for another strike and ended up getting my other cheek. Then he got my nose. Then I said, "Okay Joe, let's go find your parents" and made him get off of my lap. I felt kind of bad - I mean, the special needs kid wanted a kiss and I wouldn't give it to him? But I guess I'm weird about kissing seven year olds on the mouth. Sorry Joe.

The dog park is really fun, though, and Elvis always comes back sooooo tired - too tired to destroy anything! Now when we open the hall closet (where we keep his leash), he starts jumping up and down with excitement. I'm going to feel really bad one day when we pack him up and take him to the vet instead of the dog park, but I guess he seems really healthy right now so I don't have to worry too much about that. Hooray for fun with our pup!

The Pup Goes Out

Today we took Elvis to the park. Rex wanted to make sure he was neutered and legally registered before we started taking him to public places, so I have been WAITING and WAITING for him to be old enough to take out. Today, for the first time, he finally was!

As soon as we got to the park, this little girl ran off of the playground equipment and ran up to us. She had dark hair and was wearing a pink tank top with pink shorts. Think of the little girl from Monsters, Inc. and you've probably got the right idea.

She looked up at me with big, hopeful eyes and said shyly, "Can I pet your puppy?"

People say that right before you die, your life flashes before your eyes. Well, I wasn't dying, but a similar thing happened to me. In looking at that little girl, I remembered the hundreds of times that I had looked enviously at people in the park with their puppies. I remembered hoping every Christmas would FINALLY be the year that my dad let us get a dog (it never was). I remembered "borrowing" my neighbor's dog and walking next to it on the sidewalk so that I could pretend it was mine. I remembered that every time I went to PetSmart, from my first fish to getting dog toys, I would always find the person in the store with the cutest dog and say, "May I pet your pup?"

And now someone was asking ME! It was my turn to be the one holding the leash! After almost 23 years, it was finally MY TURN!

I answered (way too enthusiastically), "Of COURSE you can pet my puppy!" First of all, I could never say no to a girl that cute. Secondly, to say no to anyone who wants to pet my puppy would be seriously wrong after how many times I've pet strangers' dogs.

After stepping back because she was a bit startled by my boisterous response, the little girl knelt down and let Elvis run up to her. Of course he was the perfect puppy - licking her face and sitting patiently while she pet him. I just about teared up; it was the cutest thing EVER.

I think Rex liked being on this side of the leash too. Though he would never admit it in a schmultzy emotional blog, I know it's true because when we got back from the park he said, "Want to go to PetSmart?" I said we didn't need anything from PetSmart. He said that he knew that was true, but he just wanted to go show off our dog some more.

So now that I have blogged to you, that's exactly what we are going to do. :-)

My Trip to the Health Food Store

You may look at the title of this post and start thinking, "What is a McDonald's-loving American like Christine doing in a health food store?" Trust me, I asked myself the same thing numerous times this morning. As someone who only shops the clearance aisle at Wal-Mart for groceries, going to a health food store was a huge jump. They don't even have clearance aisles at the health food store.

I didn't go there by choice. Here's a bit of background for you: about a week ago I went out East to see a specialist doctor about my brain tumor. He's this really smart guy with so many letters after his name that I think he might have the whole alphabet there (I should have checked). Anyway, he worked with Linus Pauling to invent "electrodermal titration," and apparently it's very effective in diagnosing health problems. And, as luck would have it, my grandma is his secretary. So I got to visit her AND see this doctor who isn't even taking new patients right now. What luck!

Anyway, I have been having health issues that I thought were related to my tumor. I've had constant headaches, I felt stomach-sick almost daily, I needed multiple naps per day, and I've been losing weight. This is no good. I'm down to the amount that I weighed as a freshman in high school, and that's not exactly healthy for a girl who's almost 23. I told this doctor all of my issues - I'm afraid I won't be able to teach if I'm sick all the time! - and he tested me for a bunch of stuff.

TURNS OUT, my sickness had nothing to do with my tumor! He said that the tumor is there, but it would not have been causing all of these problems. He said that I have edema in my brain, which means my brain has been swelling, causing fatigue and headaches. He also said that I have the beginnings of Celiac Disease (look it up - it's NOT COOL). He said that if I go on a specialized diet, I will start feeling better really soon.

"Diet" was not the word I was expecting to hear. I'm a size 2 and still losing weight! Still, he said that I was eating the wrong food. With Celiac Disease, if a person eats any gluten (which is found in bread, pasta, etc. aka all of my favorite foods), their small intestine gets damaged, which causes them to feel sick and causes their body to not digest the food properly, which means the person loses weight no matter how much they eat. UNPLEASANT. So he said that if I go on a strict diet that eliminates gluten, any dairy, corn, peanuts, and a host of other delicious foods, and if I start taking supplements in pill form to replace the nutrients I've lost, I should start feeling much better.

I was, to say the least, skeptical. In my eyes, a life without bread and pasta is no sort of life at all. Out of respect for my grandma, who made me promise to at least TRY what this doctor suggested, I searched all over Wal-Mart on Rex and I's weekly shopping trip to see what I could find that my body would accept. I found....ready for this? Rice cakes. Oh, and I also found a gluten-free rice cereal. But HOW am I supposed to live on rice cakes and rice cereal?! That's RIDICULOUS! Still, a promise is a promise, so I tried it.

The weirdest thing happened - I was eating far fewer calories than normal, but I actually felt better and had MORE energy! WHAT?! I went down to take my usual nap one day and just thought, "Wait a second...I'm not tired! I don't need a nap!" Maybe my fifteen pills a day and diet of almost 100% rice was doing something.

Rex even noticed a huge difference. He said I've seemed much healthier, more energetic, and happier since trying this new diet. Blast - I suppose that means I will have to stick with it for a while. That's why today we decided to go to *drumroll please* THE HEALTH FOOD STORE *cue twilight zone music.*

The thing is, I've always made fun of people who go to health food stores. I mean, why pay three times the price to get something "organic" or made of soy when I could find it way cheaper at a mainstream grocery store? And WHO was the idiot who invented tofu? How is that even considered edible? In my opinion, "health food" was really just code for "overpriced and disgusting."

Unless I wanted to subsist on only rice, though, I had to find somewhere that sells food I can eat. I figured the local health food store would be my best option.

To prepare for my trip to the health food store, I put on a frayed denim dress that I got at a garage sale a few years ago. I also didn't straighten my hair so that it would look "earthy," and I didn't put on make-up. I rushed into the bathroom while Rex was brushing his teeth and snapped off the lights, exclaiming, "WHY are you using electricity? You don't need to waste this energy! Think of the EARTH! Think of the BABY POLAR BEARS that you are KILLING by using up energy!"

Even in the dark, I could tell that Rex was looking at me as if I'd just cut off my own arm or done some other equally insane action. It was a look of disbelief mixed with "WHO ARE YOU?!"

This is what I looked like:



"I'm getting in character," I explained. "I want to fit in with the health food people. I'm thinking of telling them that I created this dress myself on my own loom by weaving wheat or something."

Rex commented, "Aren't you allergic to wheat? Isn't that the whole reason why we are doing this?"

Blast. He was right. But I recovered quickly: "Well, I'll say it's made out of flax seed or something. Or maybe I won't even mention the dress. Maybe I'll say something like, 'I'm so happy to get these ingredients to cook in my new organic oven, and we will eat off of the plates that I made on my pottery wheel and fired in my own kiln!'"

Rex, ever practical, asked, "What makes an oven organic?"

I didn't know. I decided maybe if it was solar powered, that would impress the health food people. I was going to be GREAT!

All the way to the store, I practiced my hippie-like earth-mother-loving health food personality. I was getting pretty good at it, too! We finally got to the store, and the car that passed us in the parking lot was a FERRARI. I told Rex that if Mr. Ferrari was shopping there, we probably weren't going to be able to afford anything. Rex said we had to go in anyway.

When we walked through the doors, the first thing I saw was "herb popcorn." I whirled to Rex and exclaimed, "Herb popcorn? HERB POPCORN?! This is too much. I can't take it! I'm leaving!" I dramatically threw my hands toward the heavens and stomped back outside. Rex looked amused, but he wasn't budging. I trudged back into the store.

Not surprisingly, the health food store did have quite a few things that I could eat. The problem is - what did I tell you? - everything was EXPENSIVE and looked mostly gross. I'm sorry - gluten-free soy pizza? WHO WANTS TO EAT THAT? Oh, I guess me. It's in my freezer. I'm a hippie now. At least it's not a rice cake!

They had WEIRD stuff at that store. I wanted to find rice bagels, and instead I found "Hemp Bagles" that had a picture of a marijuana leaf on the package. No thank you, heath weirdos, I do not want your POT BAGELS! The package said that they had a "nutty" flavor. I think the people who made those bagels are nutty. I decided to find something else.

I came across a body section of the store, where you can buy ORGANIC SOAP. It's $24 per...pound? Block? Soap-unit? Anyway, $24 for soap is WAY too much. I'm already paying you $9 for my soy pizza, Heath Food Store, I am not getting ripped off by your SOAP.

I kept saying, "No way am I buying that. It's too expensive" to every food I found. Luckily, Rex was there to say, "Okay, you either suck it up and spend the money, or you feel sick every day. Those are your choices." Dang. He's so practical. And I really AM getting sick of rice cakes.

We ended up leaving the store with two bags full of things that I can eat. HOORAY! It cost $71 - NOT HOORAY! But if I keep feeling better on the current trend I've been progressing on, then the money will be well worth it. Check out some of the stuff I bought in the pictures below. I can't believe that now I'm one of those people that I used to make fun of! Karma sucks.


My soy pizza!!


Bean chips! Now I can have chips and salsa again!


This looks intriguing...


This is delicious on rice cakes.


One side of the bag.


Other side of the bag.


Now, if you'll excuse me, I am going to go try some potato pasta.

Back in School!

Today I got to start setting up my VERY OWN classroom! WHOO HOO! I felt SO cool. I will have to post some pictures of it when it's complete, but I'm going in again tomorrow to work on it some more.

I had a lot of fun, especially because I had some helpers. As I was setting up, two little girls (aged 8 and 9; I now know that they are the secretaries' daughters) came in and said, "Are you the NEW teacher?!" I said that I am (and felt really cool saying it, too. Ha ha!). They asked me if they could help out, and I said sure.

It's harder than you might think to find jobs for 8 and 9 year olds to do. They were really helpful at setting up chairs and putting folders away, but eventually my assignments became things such as "Umm...can you check which bean bag chair is the comfiest?" or "Can you check how high this bouncy ball will bounce?" They really liked those kinds of jobs.

Kids are really funny because they always end up saying weird things. Sometimes their comments are just funny, and sometimes they spill things that their parents would totally chastise them for if they knew what secrets their children were spilling. Here are a couple of snippets from my conversations with the girls today:

S: My friend's parents are divorced, so she has to go to a new school.
Me: Oh, that's very sad.
M: I don't even HAVE a dad!
Me: I'm sorry to hear that - at least you have a great mom!
M: Nah, I don't actually like her. And the reason I don't have a dad is because he's in prison.
Me: I'm sorry; that's really too bad.
M: Yeah, and if you wanna know why he's in prison it's because he murdered my mom.
Me: *shocked look that I couldn't conceal in time*
M: Oh don't worry - she's okay now!
Me: *very confused look* Well...that's good.

The girls seemed confused by my confusion, and they started whispering to each other.

S: I think "murder" might mean "killed" or something.
M: OH! Well, he didn't kill her. He just hurt her. But murder sounds cooler.
S: Ok!

Oh my goodness. What funny children (but what a sad story!). Here is another fun quote:

S: What grade do you teach?
Me: Sixth, seventh, and eighth grade Language Arts.
S: Cool! You're going to have my brother!
Me: Great! Do you think I will like him?
S: Well, DON'T be fooled by his hair. He has really cool hair, but underneath that hair there are some SERIOUS problems, if you know what I mean (gives me a very odd glare).

I always ask students what they want to be when they grow up, and I think today's answer was great:

M: I am going to be a harp soloist and a model and an actress, and then when I retire I am going to be a teacher.
Me: Sounds fun!
M: But you never really know - I could change my mind. It's a long time till my career.
Me: Very true...

They were fun. I hope they're there again tomorrow! I didn't realize how much I missed children...but I really did! I'm so glad to be back in school.