The Elsie Files

My book The Elsie Files has a national release date of February 5, 2013, but I pre-ordered 100 copies to sell to my friends and family.  This has been a lot of fun, as I can personally sign each book I sell.  I have sold quite a few books to my students.  It is an indescribably good feeling to tell students to "pull out their silent reading books" and see kids pull out something written by ME.  I have had a few different reactions to the book, so I figure I will tell you about some of them here:

1.  I almost had to take away the book from one girl because she wouldn't stop reading it during math class. After the second time I told her to put it down, she said that really it's my fault that she can't pay attention in math.  If I would have made the book a bit more boring, she would be able to put it away.  Ha ha...  Interesting argument there.  I still made her put it away, but I was a little flattered.

2.  One girl came up to me the morning after she bought the book and said, "Mrs. Webb, your book is the BEST book I've ever read.  I am allowed to stay up until 8:30 reading, and I couldn't stop until 8:42!  I would highly recommend that every child read your book.  Even the children in China."  I'm not sure why specifically the Chinese kids got a shout-out there, but oh well.  I would totally sell them books if they wanted them.

3.  One of my boys bought two books.  When I went to sign them, he said, "Could you please sign one of them to me, but in the other one just write your name?  See, one of them is for me to read, and the other one I am going to wrap up to keep it in mint condition.  That way, when you're really famous, I'll have a signed, mint-condition first edition copy of your first book.  It's how I'm going to become rich."  BWAHAHAHAHAHA!  I really appreciate his faith in my writing abilities.

4.  One girl came up to me and said, "Mrs. Webb, I'm so glad that I'm in your class.  It's so fun to rub it in my friends' faces that MY teacher is a real author and THEIRS isn't.  Ha ha!  I win."

5. I have been especially humbled by the students who used their own money to buy my book.  A couple of them are still saving up ($10 is a lot when you're in fifth grade).  I don't know how many authors get their books purchased using all coins, but I have now sold two books that way.  I have no idea what I'm going to do with all of those quarters and dimes.

6.  At recess I came across three girls reading my book.  I asked them how they were liking it so far, and they said they love it.  Furthermore, they have named themselves the "Elsie Files Fan Club."  SWEET!  I HAVE A FAN CLUB!  Now I've truly made it in life.

7.  One of my boys came up to me and said, "Mrs. Webb, your book is actually really funny."  It was as if he was truly surprised that teachers could be funny.  I think I earned a little bit more of his respect that day.

Anyway, it's been a fun experience to be a "real" author.  I am excited to do book signings and sell my books to strangers, but I don't think anything is going to be as satisfying as seeing how much my students enjoy it.  It was worth every second of work that I put into it.

If you don't have your copy yet, order one today!

Free Turkey

Rex and I were shopping at WinCo yesterday, enjoying our supply of low-priced grocery options, when I saw the following sign: "Happy Thanksgiving from WinCo!  Spend $100 and receive a FREE TURKEY!"  I gazed at the hastily scribbled grocery list that I clutched in my hand.  I did some quick mental math, and I realized that Rex and I had just over $100 in groceries to buy.  I pointed out the sign to Rex, and he got excited.  "Whoo hoo! A free turkey!"  he exclaimed.  He forgot the fact that I'm not his mother or his grandmother, and I can't just whip up a delicious Thanksgiving turkey at the drop of a hat.  I ducked into a nearby produce aisle and tried to call my mother-in-law for advice on what I should buy to cook this turkey, but she didn't answer.  Blast!  I went back to Rex and said, "I mean, we don't really NEED a turkey...maybe we don't have the freezer space..."  Rex gave me a look like I had just suggested we don't celebrate Christmas this year.  "Ummm...are you kidding me?!  It's a FREE TURKEY!  We HAVE to get it!"  Okay, I really can't argue with that.  How can I pass up a FREE turkey?  Since I'm horribly inept at cooking complicated recipes (of which a homemade turkey must top that list), I started contemplating what to do with our free bird carcass.  Here is what I came up with:

WHAT TO DO WHEN THE GROCERY STORE GIVES YOU A FREE FROZEN TURKEY

1.  Attempt to cook it - bad idea, as this could result in burning down your apartment.

2. Take it ice fishing - You can throw it onto the ice, and the weight of the frozen turkey will splash through and make the hole in the ice where you can then go fishing.

3. Give it to a homeless guy - This idea sounds good until you realize that it's actually kind of mean unless the next person to come along is going to give the homeless guy an oven.

4. Take it turkey hunting and use it as a decoy - Maybe the turkeys will come to investigate and/or grieve for their fallen brother.  Then - BANG! - you can shoot the turkey.  Except then you just end up with two dead turkeys.  Never mind.  Bad idea.

5. Use it as a murder weapon - It's the perfect crime.  You COOK the murder weapon after you use it to bludgeon someone to death, and then you EAT it.  No evidence.

6.  Videotape your dog trying to gnaw on the turkey that's bigger than him - Go win $10,000 on America's Funniest Home Videos

7.  Put it in your bed on hot nights - it will keep you cool.

8.  Put it in a bird cage and try to convince your fifth graders that it's alive - Ten bucks says I could actually convince some of them.

9.  Sit on it for that extra boost of height at the movie theater when an annoying tall guy is sitting in front of you - Bring a blanket to put over it, though, because otherwise your butt will get really cold.

10.  Throw it through a car window in a random act of vandalism - Mostly because I really want to see the police report that says, "Suspect is charged with throwing a frozen turkey through a window."


See?  The possibilities are endless.  Half of our freezer is now filled with this turkey, and I'm still not sure what we're going to do with it.  Maybe there is a choice #11 - fly your mother-in-law out to Vegas to cook the darn thing for you.  But then again, that would be so expensive that it would really defeat the purpose of getting the free turkey.

Curses, Winco.  Why are you making my life so complicated?!

My Life as a Character in Law and Order

I can't believe it's been almost a month since I've blogged.  That is so sad, and I apologize to my loyal readers (if any of you are left, lol). There has been a lot going on at school.  A LOT.  So much that I can't even write out the details for fear that I will be implicated in having knowledge that I'm not supposed to have.  Creepy, huh?  Does it feel strangely CSI to you?  Law and Order, perhaps?  Well, it does to me too.  When your life is a crime show, you don't have much time to blog.  Hopefully it will all be over soon, though.  There is a good chance that my school might get shut down (AHHHHH!), but I'll deal with that if/when it happens.  I've been applying for a few other jobs, but I hope it doesn't come to that.

Besides all of the drama, school has been okay.  The administration sent me to Colorado for a conference, so that was fun!  I went with my friend Terri (4th grade teacher).  It snowed while we were there.  She was freaking out because, as a Las Vegas native, she hardly ever sees snow.  It was fun to make fun of her, and we made a snowman on the side of the highway.  We ate delicious food and stayed in a fancy hotel.  I love conferences.

Okay hmmm...what else has happened?  Oh, I know!  I got a release date for my book!  The Elsie Files will be hitting bookshelves on February 5, 2013.  Yay!  I am getting a bunch of copies sent to me at my apartment, so I will be able to sell copies before then.  I want to get my students to buy copies before our school potentially shuts down. *stressful sigh*

I won't let it be weeks before I blog again.  Scout's honor.