Have you ever read The Broke Diaries by Angela Nissel? If not, you should. Right now. Actually, stop reading this blog and go get that book. It is hilarious - one of my all time favorite books. Rex and I have been reading it aloud to each other when we drive (no car radio, remember?), and we end up laughing so hard that sometimes it makes it hard to drive straight. It is just so funny! It is the diary of a broke college student and the crazy things she does to get by. (As a side note, now she is a main writer for the TV show Scrubs and is no longer broke). Yesterday I felt as though I could have contributed a bit to her book. I was feeling particularly broke. So here it is - in an attempt to mimic her literary voice, my contribution to Angela Nissel's The Broke Diaries:
Dear Broke Diary,
Everyone knows that quarters are like gold to broke chicks. They pretty much provide everything you need in life - quarters buy bus fare to get you places, they rent you a washer so you can get clean clothes, and they provide that extra needed caloric intake from a vending machine when ramen noodles just aren't cutting it. Rich folks don't even care about quarters. Think of a soccer mom in her 2011 minivan, getting her change from buying her three brats their happy meals, and being all, "Ew. Loose change. Who needs this anyway? I will just throw it in the center console and never see it again." I hate you, rich soccer mom. Can I please have your quarters?
Yesterday Rex and I found ourselves quarterless - a big problem for broke people. We were in dire need of quarters because we HAD to do laundry. I mean, I did not have ONE clean pair of pants to wear to work, and all of my underwear was dirty so I had been going commando for a few days. I was starting to fear that my students would start asking why I smell so funky. It was seriously time to get some clean clothes. The washing machine in our building costs $1.50 per load - six precious quarters. The dryer costs $1.25 - five more quarters. And we had zero. We scoured the apartment - emptied out every old purse and looked in every drawer. Rex even emptied out his piggy bank, which greeted us with a plethora of pennies, but no quarters. After searching the ENTIRE apartment, we were able to come up with three quarters. Three - enough for bus fare or a vending machine snack, but not enough for laundry. I considered asking our neighbors for a 75 cent loan so we could get the load started, but I was still too embarrassed from the last time that we borrowed from them - a few weeks ago, Rex went over and asked if we could borrow a roll of toilet paper. (!!!) I TOLD him we had plenty of Kleenex, but he wouldn't use it because it wasn't "sturdy enough." Paper towels weren't "soft enough." So he just HAD to go borrow toilet paper. Spoiled little son of a gun. I was not desperate enough to go ask the toilet paper rich neighbors for seventy-five cents, so we had to think of another way to get the quarters.
Suddenly we had an epiphany - THE CAR. Cars always have loose change rolling around in them - it's as if it just develops there over time the way mold grows on bread. Rex rushed out to the Lumina to see if we could scrounge together enough change so that I would could start wearing underwear again. SUCCESS - THREE WHOLE QUARTERS! How had we not seen them there before?! We FINALLY had enough quarters to do a load of laundry. We picked our most important items (after all, we only had enough money for one load), and crammed the clothes into the washer. We put in our precious quarters, and we watched them go away - consumed by the greedy washing machine.
While the clothes were getting washed, we searched in vain for more quarters so that we could dry the clothes. We weren't hopeful, since coming up with the original six had been so problematic. As we suspected, we did not find even one more quarter. So we had to get creative. We discussed the idea of a clothes line so that our dry clothes would be infused with fresh air like they are on so many laundry detergent commercials - you know, the ones where the clothes are fluttering happily in the breeze as the sun smiles down and makes them all comfy and soft, and the flowers all dance around around make the clothes smell good? Well, there were a few problems with that theory - first of all, we have no clothes line. Second, we have no place to hang a clothes line. Third, it is COLD out. The sun would not happily warm our clothes in the floral breezes. The clothes would freeze like pants-popsicles, and there was no WAY I was going to work in a pants-popsicle.
We decided that the only option was to find enough places in our apartment to hang the wet clothes. I mean, come on - what else is a broke sister to do? I was out of options! When the clothes were finally washed, we took them out of the washing machine and made our apartment look like our dresser exploded. There were clothes hanging off of EVERYTHING - the doors, the shower rod, the towel racks, the backs of chairs, doorknobs, you get the idea. It looked ridiculous, and our apartment reeked of the "fresh summer breeze with the stupid dancing flowers" laundry soap. After a few hours, though, our clothes were dry! And we didn't even have to sacrifice five quarters! Take THAT - you greedy washer and dryer people! We are beating your system! HA!
And you will be happy to know that today at work, I was wearing a clean shirt, clean pants, AND clean underwear. It was a good day. Chalk up one point for broke people everywhere.
Still quarterless but at least clean,
Christine
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Saturday, March 19, 2011
The World Wakes Up
Rex and I just took our first walk around the lake since last fall. We live on a BEAUTIFUL lake, but it has been frozen over for the past few months and we haven't been able to take full advantage of it. Our lone nature friend has been Chubs the squirrel, who I blogged about a few weeks ago.
Now that spring is upon us, though, all of the animals are coming back! The ducks and geese are back, the birds are back, the muskrats are swimming happily in the water, and the ice has melted so we can see the fish swimming around too! We are so excited for soon when there will be BABY birds swimming around! We had the oh-so-deep conversation about which would be best to have as a pet: a baby duck, baby goose, or baby swan (all who will be on our lake in a few weeks). We decided a baby duck because they are the smallest, fluffiest, and cutest as adults. I mean, really - can you look at a duck waddling awkwardly and not laugh? I can't.
We also saw some of the remnants of winter that had been frozen under the ice. A dead bluegill had washed up on shore, and it was a little bit cute even though it was dead. Its glassy eyes stared up at us, and we discussed the possibility of bringing it inside and putting it in our toilet because we are having dinner guests (Beth and Chris!) tomorrow. When one of them went to use the toilet, they would find the fish and say, "Guys...there is a dead fish in your toilet..." to which we would reply something along the lines of, "Charlie's DEAD?!?! NOOOOOOOO!!! WHAT DID YOU DO?!" It would have been funny, but not QUITE funny enough to touch a dead bluegill and carry it into our apartment.
We watched a muskrat catch a fish and then drag it up onto one of the last remaining pieces of ice in order to eat it. The muskrat sat cleaning itself for about five minutes before it would touch the food - it looked just like our little caged rats! We decided we must have a pet muskrat, though I don't even know if that is legal.
I am so excited that warm weather is here, but looking at the beauty of our lake and enjoying all of the creatures around it is making me really sad that we have to leave in just a few short months. Could anything in Nevada be as beautiful as this? I doubt it.
Now that spring is upon us, though, all of the animals are coming back! The ducks and geese are back, the birds are back, the muskrats are swimming happily in the water, and the ice has melted so we can see the fish swimming around too! We are so excited for soon when there will be BABY birds swimming around! We had the oh-so-deep conversation about which would be best to have as a pet: a baby duck, baby goose, or baby swan (all who will be on our lake in a few weeks). We decided a baby duck because they are the smallest, fluffiest, and cutest as adults. I mean, really - can you look at a duck waddling awkwardly and not laugh? I can't.
We also saw some of the remnants of winter that had been frozen under the ice. A dead bluegill had washed up on shore, and it was a little bit cute even though it was dead. Its glassy eyes stared up at us, and we discussed the possibility of bringing it inside and putting it in our toilet because we are having dinner guests (Beth and Chris!) tomorrow. When one of them went to use the toilet, they would find the fish and say, "Guys...there is a dead fish in your toilet..." to which we would reply something along the lines of, "Charlie's DEAD?!?! NOOOOOOOO!!! WHAT DID YOU DO?!" It would have been funny, but not QUITE funny enough to touch a dead bluegill and carry it into our apartment.
We watched a muskrat catch a fish and then drag it up onto one of the last remaining pieces of ice in order to eat it. The muskrat sat cleaning itself for about five minutes before it would touch the food - it looked just like our little caged rats! We decided we must have a pet muskrat, though I don't even know if that is legal.
I am so excited that warm weather is here, but looking at the beauty of our lake and enjoying all of the creatures around it is making me really sad that we have to leave in just a few short months. Could anything in Nevada be as beautiful as this? I doubt it.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Lent
I got this letter handed to me halfway through spelling class today:
Mrs. Webb,
I heard about this program, I don't know what it's called, but it's where people give up something for forty days. I have chosen talking. Please don't call on me.
Mary
P.S. I started at 11:05.
So apparently I was not supposed to call on Mary until EXACTLY 40 days from 11:05 today. I said I needed to see her after class. Can I also mention that she is one of my most talkative girls? She wouldn't make it 40 minutes without talking, let alone 40 days, but alas. I have to take all of my students seriously. So I had this conversation:
Me: Mary, this "program" you are talking about...do you mean Lent?
Mary: *shakes head yes*
Me: Are you even Catholic?
Mary: *looks confused, shakes head no*
Me: Okay. Well, usually Lent is a religious thing. If, for religious reasons, you feel that you cannot talk for the next forty days, then we will need to have a conference between your parents and all of your teachers to discuss accommodations for this.
Mary: *looks alarmed*
Me: I don't think talking is the best choice of something to give up for Lent. I hope you reconsider. Get back to me on that.
Halfway through Social Studies class, Mary raised her hand. I called on her, and in perfect sign language she asked to go to the bathroom (I know she used correct sign language thanks to Laura Wilson and Katie Masters!!). Anyway, I obviously pretended I had no clue what she was trying to say. Finally one of her friends said, "Mary has to go to the bathroom." I shot a determined glare at Mary and said, "Then Mary's going to have to tell me that."
As class progressed, Mary got increasingly more uncomfortable as she really, really had to go to the bathroom. Finally, toward the end of class, she raised her hand and spat out, "Mrs. Webb, can I go to the bathroom?!?!?" I said that certainly she can. Ha. I win.
After Social Studies, Mary came up to me and said, "Mrs. Webb, I've thought of a new compromise. How about I will talk when it comes to answering questions in class or talking to teachers about school stuff, but other than that I don't talk." FINE with me...she isn't supposed to be talking during class other than that anyway! So I congratulated her on caring about her education enough to bend her Lent resolutions....and then I came home and laughed my head off about it and wrote this blog.
Mrs. Webb,
I heard about this program, I don't know what it's called, but it's where people give up something for forty days. I have chosen talking. Please don't call on me.
Mary
P.S. I started at 11:05.
So apparently I was not supposed to call on Mary until EXACTLY 40 days from 11:05 today. I said I needed to see her after class. Can I also mention that she is one of my most talkative girls? She wouldn't make it 40 minutes without talking, let alone 40 days, but alas. I have to take all of my students seriously. So I had this conversation:
Me: Mary, this "program" you are talking about...do you mean Lent?
Mary: *shakes head yes*
Me: Are you even Catholic?
Mary: *looks confused, shakes head no*
Me: Okay. Well, usually Lent is a religious thing. If, for religious reasons, you feel that you cannot talk for the next forty days, then we will need to have a conference between your parents and all of your teachers to discuss accommodations for this.
Mary: *looks alarmed*
Me: I don't think talking is the best choice of something to give up for Lent. I hope you reconsider. Get back to me on that.
Halfway through Social Studies class, Mary raised her hand. I called on her, and in perfect sign language she asked to go to the bathroom (I know she used correct sign language thanks to Laura Wilson and Katie Masters!!). Anyway, I obviously pretended I had no clue what she was trying to say. Finally one of her friends said, "Mary has to go to the bathroom." I shot a determined glare at Mary and said, "Then Mary's going to have to tell me that."
As class progressed, Mary got increasingly more uncomfortable as she really, really had to go to the bathroom. Finally, toward the end of class, she raised her hand and spat out, "Mrs. Webb, can I go to the bathroom?!?!?" I said that certainly she can. Ha. I win.
After Social Studies, Mary came up to me and said, "Mrs. Webb, I've thought of a new compromise. How about I will talk when it comes to answering questions in class or talking to teachers about school stuff, but other than that I don't talk." FINE with me...she isn't supposed to be talking during class other than that anyway! So I congratulated her on caring about her education enough to bend her Lent resolutions....and then I came home and laughed my head off about it and wrote this blog.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Those Darn Kids
More teacher stories!
1. My cousin Danielle is adopting two babies from Africa. YAY! One of my students asked if I could come to his hockey game on Saturday, and I said, "I don't know...I might be going to Kalamazoo this weekend if my cousin gets her babies." He asked about the adoption, saying, "They deliver the babies from Africa to here!?" I said yes, because the babies are flown to Chicago where my cousin will go pick them up. Apparently I did not explain this well, because my student ran out into the hall and I heard him exclaim to his friends, "Did you know they MAIL babies?! Like, in BOXES? They'll deliver 'em right to your house!" Oops...
2. One of my girls showed me a collection of poems she wrote about the boy that she "loves." He currently has a different girlfriend, and she is angry about it. One of her poems told the boy to "Go to Hell...on the inside" because the outside is too beautiful. HA! I'm glad it's only the outside that she's concerned with...middle school relationships are so deep.
3. We were discussing the vocabulary word "convey." We talked about how "convey" means to explain something. I asked students for examples on how people convey things.
Jimmy: In writing?
Me: Sure!
Jenny: Through song?
Me: Definitely?
John: Through a painting?
Me: Um, okay!
Jackie: On their conveyor belt?
Me: Uh...that's a little bit different...
Nice attempt at a connection, but it didn't really work. Oh well. Nice try, kid.
4. One of my star student "good girls" came up to me during spelling class and said, "Mrs. Webb, how do you spell 'condom'?" Quite startled, I asked why she needed to know. She said that she was doing a word un-scramble, and one of the words was "condom." Doubtful, I asked to look at her paper. When she showed it to me, I was relieved to say, "Oh, that word is actually 'condemn.'" She said "Thanks!" and happily went back to her seat. I am confident that she has no idea the difference between the words "condom" and "condemn," but the huge difference between those words made the encounter quite amusing to me. :-)
1. My cousin Danielle is adopting two babies from Africa. YAY! One of my students asked if I could come to his hockey game on Saturday, and I said, "I don't know...I might be going to Kalamazoo this weekend if my cousin gets her babies." He asked about the adoption, saying, "They deliver the babies from Africa to here!?" I said yes, because the babies are flown to Chicago where my cousin will go pick them up. Apparently I did not explain this well, because my student ran out into the hall and I heard him exclaim to his friends, "Did you know they MAIL babies?! Like, in BOXES? They'll deliver 'em right to your house!" Oops...
2. One of my girls showed me a collection of poems she wrote about the boy that she "loves." He currently has a different girlfriend, and she is angry about it. One of her poems told the boy to "Go to Hell...on the inside" because the outside is too beautiful. HA! I'm glad it's only the outside that she's concerned with...middle school relationships are so deep.
3. We were discussing the vocabulary word "convey." We talked about how "convey" means to explain something. I asked students for examples on how people convey things.
Jimmy: In writing?
Me: Sure!
Jenny: Through song?
Me: Definitely?
John: Through a painting?
Me: Um, okay!
Jackie: On their conveyor belt?
Me: Uh...that's a little bit different...
Nice attempt at a connection, but it didn't really work. Oh well. Nice try, kid.
4. One of my star student "good girls" came up to me during spelling class and said, "Mrs. Webb, how do you spell 'condom'?" Quite startled, I asked why she needed to know. She said that she was doing a word un-scramble, and one of the words was "condom." Doubtful, I asked to look at her paper. When she showed it to me, I was relieved to say, "Oh, that word is actually 'condemn.'" She said "Thanks!" and happily went back to her seat. I am confident that she has no idea the difference between the words "condom" and "condemn," but the huge difference between those words made the encounter quite amusing to me. :-)
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Expecting a New Little Bundle of Joy
Expecting a baby can be an exciting time in a couple's life together. Trust me, I know - not because I am expecting one, but because I know four different friends who were due to have babies within six weeks of each other. Two have already had their babies, and two more are still waiting. I feel like my life recently has been in baby-mania.
A question I have been getting a lot in these past couple of weeks is, "Aren't all of these adorable babies sparking your maternal instincts? You TOTALLY want a baby now, don't you? Don't you?!"
No, I don't. I LOVE my friends' babies. I think they are adorable. But the world is not ready to handle a Webb child. Think about it - Rex and I would have the most insane progeny EVER. They would be quirky beyond quirky. It would be really quite odd...they would probably have numerous pet rats, and they would ride the pet German Shepherd to baseball/softball practice, where they would wow the coach with their extensive vocabulary of useless words (due to their language arts loving mother). Then they would go home to eat pasta for dinner AGAIN, and they would spend the rest of the evening creating new words like "dinglejock" or composing songs like the "Organic Chemistry Rap" since their crazy parents don't have TV or any video games. What a nerdy child.
Even if we had some sort of hope that our child would turn out normal, we would still not procreate based on the fact we are sooooo not mature enough to be parents. If you need proof...just keep reading.
For some reason, the new thing to do is to decorate your baby's room in a jungle theme. WHY?? Mark my words: If by weird circumstances there are any future Webboids, they will NOT have a jungle themed room. I think it's a movement toward this new liberal crap where genders are equal. So people can't have a room that's too girly or to boy-y, because then they are somehow "setting up their child to conform to the gender stereotypes that society is trying to pressure them to conform to." Whatever. In a few cases, the parents choose not to determine the gender of the baby until it is born. In that case I suppose a jungle nursery is slightly more tolerable...but why is the jungle room the only option?! There are just soooo many jungle nursery albums on facebook nowadays! I was especially surprised by one jungle room, where I discovered two penguins in the jolly pile of jungle stuffed toys. Note to parents: THERE ARE NO PENGUINS IN THE JUNGLE. What were you thinking? Your kid is going to be retarded.
Anyway, my disdain for jungle themed rooms got me thinking...what would be a good room for a baby? I asked Rex, who is a good husband and indulged me in this conversation. It took about two seconds to discuss that OBVIOUSLY a girl would have a princess room and a boy would have a cowboy room. Duh. What was a lot MORE fun, though, was discussing the theme rooms we would tell people we are going to use in order to convince them that we shouldn't have kids. Here is the list:
1. Casino Night Room
2. War Room
3. Hooters Room
4. Beer Room
5. Fire Room
6. Monsters Room
7. Guns Room
8. Strip Club Room
9. Drugs Room
10. Shark and Alligator Room
11. Pagan Worship Room
12. Justin Bieber Room (AH!)
13. Cemetery Room
14. Gangster Room
15. BLING BLING Room
See? I told you we shouldn't have kids! Still not sure? Look at the fun we had with naming them...
1. Charlotte Webb
2. Spyder Webb
3. Winnifred Pouh Webb (AKA "Whinnie the Pooh")
4. Razmataz Webb
5. World Wide Webb (but with a middle name of "wide," this kid would totally be fat)
The possibilities are really endless...but the "good" names are never the fun ones. So our kid would end up getting teased a lot about his/her ridiculous name and their wildly inappropriate bedroom decor. We're just saving them a lot of emotional pain by not conceiving them in the first place. We really just have their best interests at heart.
A question I have been getting a lot in these past couple of weeks is, "Aren't all of these adorable babies sparking your maternal instincts? You TOTALLY want a baby now, don't you? Don't you?!"
No, I don't. I LOVE my friends' babies. I think they are adorable. But the world is not ready to handle a Webb child. Think about it - Rex and I would have the most insane progeny EVER. They would be quirky beyond quirky. It would be really quite odd...they would probably have numerous pet rats, and they would ride the pet German Shepherd to baseball/softball practice, where they would wow the coach with their extensive vocabulary of useless words (due to their language arts loving mother). Then they would go home to eat pasta for dinner AGAIN, and they would spend the rest of the evening creating new words like "dinglejock" or composing songs like the "Organic Chemistry Rap" since their crazy parents don't have TV or any video games. What a nerdy child.
Even if we had some sort of hope that our child would turn out normal, we would still not procreate based on the fact we are sooooo not mature enough to be parents. If you need proof...just keep reading.
For some reason, the new thing to do is to decorate your baby's room in a jungle theme. WHY?? Mark my words: If by weird circumstances there are any future Webboids, they will NOT have a jungle themed room. I think it's a movement toward this new liberal crap where genders are equal. So people can't have a room that's too girly or to boy-y, because then they are somehow "setting up their child to conform to the gender stereotypes that society is trying to pressure them to conform to." Whatever. In a few cases, the parents choose not to determine the gender of the baby until it is born. In that case I suppose a jungle nursery is slightly more tolerable...but why is the jungle room the only option?! There are just soooo many jungle nursery albums on facebook nowadays! I was especially surprised by one jungle room, where I discovered two penguins in the jolly pile of jungle stuffed toys. Note to parents: THERE ARE NO PENGUINS IN THE JUNGLE. What were you thinking? Your kid is going to be retarded.
Anyway, my disdain for jungle themed rooms got me thinking...what would be a good room for a baby? I asked Rex, who is a good husband and indulged me in this conversation. It took about two seconds to discuss that OBVIOUSLY a girl would have a princess room and a boy would have a cowboy room. Duh. What was a lot MORE fun, though, was discussing the theme rooms we would tell people we are going to use in order to convince them that we shouldn't have kids. Here is the list:
1. Casino Night Room
2. War Room
3. Hooters Room
4. Beer Room
5. Fire Room
6. Monsters Room
7. Guns Room
8. Strip Club Room
9. Drugs Room
10. Shark and Alligator Room
11. Pagan Worship Room
12. Justin Bieber Room (AH!)
13. Cemetery Room
14. Gangster Room
15. BLING BLING Room
See? I told you we shouldn't have kids! Still not sure? Look at the fun we had with naming them...
1. Charlotte Webb
2. Spyder Webb
3. Winnifred Pouh Webb (AKA "Whinnie the Pooh")
4. Razmataz Webb
5. World Wide Webb (but with a middle name of "wide," this kid would totally be fat)
The possibilities are really endless...but the "good" names are never the fun ones. So our kid would end up getting teased a lot about his/her ridiculous name and their wildly inappropriate bedroom decor. We're just saving them a lot of emotional pain by not conceiving them in the first place. We really just have their best interests at heart.
My Life in Sixth Grade
More teacher stories...I keep thinking I should stop writing them because people will get bored, but let's be real - sixth graders are NEVER boring. Names have been changed as usual.
1. Polly told me that she no longer likes Matt. I asked why, and she said it's because her best friend Jenny started dating him. I offered my condolences, saying that must be hard to watch your best friend date the guy you like. She said, "Oh, I don't care. She liked him first anyway. I like someone new now." Clearly she was very invested.
2. After school at Drama Club, I went up to Jenny and jokingly said, "Oooh! I heard a rumor about you and Matt? True love?" Jenny said, "No, actually, I dumped him." I asked why, and honestly I can't type out word for word what she said, but I have to give you a basic idea on the story of her relationship. I will try to keep it as authentic as possible to what she said:
JENNY: Well, he asked me out during social studies. He passed me a really tiny note, which I knew was important because you always write the juicy embarrassing things on tiny notes. I opened it, and in REALLY tiny letters it said "Will you go out with me?" Well, I didn't know if I wanted to, like, date him, so I told him that I would give him my answer at second recess. But THEN I was thinking about it during class, and I got worried that he would get over me by second recess, so I changed and told him that I would give him my first answer by first recess. But as class kept going on, I started to worry that he actually might get over me by first recess because I don't know how much he likes me, so I should probably give him my answer now.
ME: Good idea.
JENNY: So I wrote on the back of the tiny note, "Sure, I guess." I added the "I guess" to look cool, like I didn't actually care that much.
ME: Smooth.
JENNY: I don't want him to think I'm too into him or anything. So then we were dating.
ME: So why didn't it work out?
JENNY: He didn't talk to me. He didn't even give me his number. What a weirdo!
ME: Did you ask him for his number?
JENNY: No! It's relationship common sense! You should give your girlfriend your number! I shouldn't have to ASK! So at second recess I told him it wasn't working out.
I tried explaining the theory that maybe he just didn't have a chance to give her his number yet and that if she asked him he would probably give it to her, but she didn't believe me. Alas. Apparently it wasn't meant to be.
3. Today one of my girls came to school with her hair dyed orange. Now, this is not "I was trying to dye my hair red and messed it up" orange. It is TRAFFIC CONE orange. Able to stop cars kind of orange. I have never been so close to believing that there are radioactive materials in hair dye. I think it might have been glowing. I am slightly afraid of it.
4. I'm sorry to write so much about relationships, but it's sixth grade - I deal with them a lot. During Language Arts we are currently working on research papers. We were having a work day where students could work, and I would walk around and help them independently if they needed help. Jasmine raised her hand, and I walked over. Please read the following conversation:
Me: How can I help?
Jasmine: (panicked) Mrs. Webb! I just got this note and I don't know what to do! (shows me the tiny note, which says, "Will you go out with me? From Mike).
Me: Well, do you like Mike?
Jasmine: I don't know! I don't even know if this note is from him!
Me: That's his handwriting.
Jasmine: You know his handwriting?
Me: I know all of your handwritings. I grade your papers every day.
Jasmine: Wow. Creeper.
Me: Back to the issue at hand. Do you want to date him or not?
Jasmine: I guess so...do you think he'll give me his number?
Me: I don't know. Why don't you write back and ask him?
Jasmine: You're TELLING me to write a note?!
Me: You're not going to get any work done when you're freaking out about this. Just figure out a solution and then get your work done.
Jasmine: Okay.
After I let her work out her drama, she actually ended up being really productive! So sometimes perhaps passing notes is actually okay, because I let her spend 2 minutes being unproductive in exchange for 38 minutes of productivity. Hmmmm...I will have to log this away in my brain for future reference.
5. Today Will brought in a PEZ dispenser in the shape of a reindeer. He referred to it as his pet named Jimmy. He was joking around about "Jimmy the Reindeer" with the other students all day. I was getting sick of it. At one point, Will asked if he could go to his locker to get a book. I said "Okay, you can go, but you need to leave Jimmy in your locker because he is too distracting." Will agreed and went to his locker. I went back to teaching. He walked in a minute later, while I was teaching the whole class, and said, "I tried to leave Jimmy in my backpack, but he cried because he was lonely so I had to bring him back here." I said, "Awww...that's so sad. Why don't you let me have a talk with him about it?" So Will handed Jimmy over and sat down. I held Jimmy up tenderly and then said "Oh Jimmy...WILL DOESN'T LOVE YOU ANY MORE!" and then slam dunked Jimmy into the trash can. The entire class (including Will) started cracking up. I'm not completely heartless though - I told Will he could rescue Jimmy from the trash can at the end of the day.
6. I don't remember exactly what was happening, but my kids were being goofy and suddenly I heard one of them say, "Hey - stop being so weird or Mrs. Webb will blog about you." (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) I panicked - had they stumbled upon my gossip page of their greatest shenanigans?! I nonchalantly asked, "What do you mean, I would blog about you?" The student said, "Remember back at the beginning of the school year, when you said we were such a funny class and you should make a blog about all of the funny things we do? Wouldn't that be funny if you actually did that?" *HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF* "Ha ha...yeah...that'd be really funny..." *Heart rate slowly starts returning to normal*
I love those kids. I LOVE THEM. I don't know how I am going to leave them in May. I don't even want to think about it. What will give this blog its life??
1. Polly told me that she no longer likes Matt. I asked why, and she said it's because her best friend Jenny started dating him. I offered my condolences, saying that must be hard to watch your best friend date the guy you like. She said, "Oh, I don't care. She liked him first anyway. I like someone new now." Clearly she was very invested.
2. After school at Drama Club, I went up to Jenny and jokingly said, "Oooh! I heard a rumor about you and Matt? True love?" Jenny said, "No, actually, I dumped him." I asked why, and honestly I can't type out word for word what she said, but I have to give you a basic idea on the story of her relationship. I will try to keep it as authentic as possible to what she said:
JENNY: Well, he asked me out during social studies. He passed me a really tiny note, which I knew was important because you always write the juicy embarrassing things on tiny notes. I opened it, and in REALLY tiny letters it said "Will you go out with me?" Well, I didn't know if I wanted to, like, date him, so I told him that I would give him my answer at second recess. But THEN I was thinking about it during class, and I got worried that he would get over me by second recess, so I changed and told him that I would give him my first answer by first recess. But as class kept going on, I started to worry that he actually might get over me by first recess because I don't know how much he likes me, so I should probably give him my answer now.
ME: Good idea.
JENNY: So I wrote on the back of the tiny note, "Sure, I guess." I added the "I guess" to look cool, like I didn't actually care that much.
ME: Smooth.
JENNY: I don't want him to think I'm too into him or anything. So then we were dating.
ME: So why didn't it work out?
JENNY: He didn't talk to me. He didn't even give me his number. What a weirdo!
ME: Did you ask him for his number?
JENNY: No! It's relationship common sense! You should give your girlfriend your number! I shouldn't have to ASK! So at second recess I told him it wasn't working out.
I tried explaining the theory that maybe he just didn't have a chance to give her his number yet and that if she asked him he would probably give it to her, but she didn't believe me. Alas. Apparently it wasn't meant to be.
3. Today one of my girls came to school with her hair dyed orange. Now, this is not "I was trying to dye my hair red and messed it up" orange. It is TRAFFIC CONE orange. Able to stop cars kind of orange. I have never been so close to believing that there are radioactive materials in hair dye. I think it might have been glowing. I am slightly afraid of it.
4. I'm sorry to write so much about relationships, but it's sixth grade - I deal with them a lot. During Language Arts we are currently working on research papers. We were having a work day where students could work, and I would walk around and help them independently if they needed help. Jasmine raised her hand, and I walked over. Please read the following conversation:
Me: How can I help?
Jasmine: (panicked) Mrs. Webb! I just got this note and I don't know what to do! (shows me the tiny note, which says, "Will you go out with me? From Mike).
Me: Well, do you like Mike?
Jasmine: I don't know! I don't even know if this note is from him!
Me: That's his handwriting.
Jasmine: You know his handwriting?
Me: I know all of your handwritings. I grade your papers every day.
Jasmine: Wow. Creeper.
Me: Back to the issue at hand. Do you want to date him or not?
Jasmine: I guess so...do you think he'll give me his number?
Me: I don't know. Why don't you write back and ask him?
Jasmine: You're TELLING me to write a note?!
Me: You're not going to get any work done when you're freaking out about this. Just figure out a solution and then get your work done.
Jasmine: Okay.
After I let her work out her drama, she actually ended up being really productive! So sometimes perhaps passing notes is actually okay, because I let her spend 2 minutes being unproductive in exchange for 38 minutes of productivity. Hmmmm...I will have to log this away in my brain for future reference.
5. Today Will brought in a PEZ dispenser in the shape of a reindeer. He referred to it as his pet named Jimmy. He was joking around about "Jimmy the Reindeer" with the other students all day. I was getting sick of it. At one point, Will asked if he could go to his locker to get a book. I said "Okay, you can go, but you need to leave Jimmy in your locker because he is too distracting." Will agreed and went to his locker. I went back to teaching. He walked in a minute later, while I was teaching the whole class, and said, "I tried to leave Jimmy in my backpack, but he cried because he was lonely so I had to bring him back here." I said, "Awww...that's so sad. Why don't you let me have a talk with him about it?" So Will handed Jimmy over and sat down. I held Jimmy up tenderly and then said "Oh Jimmy...WILL DOESN'T LOVE YOU ANY MORE!" and then slam dunked Jimmy into the trash can. The entire class (including Will) started cracking up. I'm not completely heartless though - I told Will he could rescue Jimmy from the trash can at the end of the day.
6. I don't remember exactly what was happening, but my kids were being goofy and suddenly I heard one of them say, "Hey - stop being so weird or Mrs. Webb will blog about you." (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) I panicked - had they stumbled upon my gossip page of their greatest shenanigans?! I nonchalantly asked, "What do you mean, I would blog about you?" The student said, "Remember back at the beginning of the school year, when you said we were such a funny class and you should make a blog about all of the funny things we do? Wouldn't that be funny if you actually did that?" *HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF* "Ha ha...yeah...that'd be really funny..." *Heart rate slowly starts returning to normal*
I love those kids. I LOVE THEM. I don't know how I am going to leave them in May. I don't even want to think about it. What will give this blog its life??
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Bieber Fever
Please make it stop. Please. If I hear "I love Justin Bieber" one more time, I think I am going to crack. I might just have a neurological breakdown and tear through the streets with a chainsaw cutting the hair off of anyone who has a do remotely resembling the infamous "Bieber Bangs."
My sincerest hope is that many years from now, one of my little nieces or nephews will read this blog and say, "Aunt Christine, who is Justin Bieber?" Now THAT would be music to my ears.
As for now, though, we are faced with the grim reality that the hearts of my students have been stolen by a teenage popstar. I should have seen the craziness of today coming when this conversation ensued yesterday:
Student: "Mrs. Webb, can you make tomorrow a national holiday?"
Me: "Why?"
Student: *looks at me incredulously, upset that I don't already know* "IT'S JUSTIN BIEBER'S BIRTHDAY!"
Although I was flattered by the fact that she thought I had some sort of power over determining national holidays, I regretfully declined and went about my day. I did not take heed of her red flag on the madness that was going to happen in sixth grade on "the great" Justin Bieber's birthday.
I knew I was in for trouble when first thing in the morning one of my girls walked into the classroom with "I heart JB" written in big letters across her face. She was also wearing her 3D glasses that she got at the VIP showing of Never Say Never (The Justin Bieber movie, in case you aren't up on your tween pop culture).
She was followed by the rest of the class members. Many of the girls had similar writings on their faces. They also wrote all over their necks, arms, and anywhere else where it is appropriate to show skin. It was almost creepily cultish. I felt like saying "Justin requests a human sacrifice in honor of his birthday" just to see how many of them would volunteer. Some of the boys even started writing on themselves about how much they love JB. Bieber Fever is a true epidemic, and it has hit my class in full force.
Aside from the writings, they were also paying homage to their idol with Justin Bieber T-shirts, Justin Bieber bracelets, Justin Bieber necklaces, Justin Bieber elastic hair bands, and anything else that Bieber's marketing team could possibly sell with some form of "JB" on it.
Before I could even attempt to start class, the girls were engrossed in a competition with each other on who knew more about Bieber's birthday. "He is SEVENTEEN today!" "Obviously he's seventeen. Did you know he was born in Ontario?" "Did YOU know he was born at 2:56?" etc. etc.
As I circulated around the class throughout the day, notebooks were riddled with doodles about how much they love their hero and plans for their futures together. I felt like announcing, "You can't ALL be 'the future Mrs. Bieber'!" but I didn't want to ruin their hope in life.
During breaks, the halls were filled with students discussing their different celebrations for Justin's birthday. Numerous girls are throwing parties tonight in his honor. Still more are at least making a cake dedicated to him. One student asked a teacher, "Why aren't you wearing purple today?!" Baffled, the teacher asked why she should be wearing purple. APPARENTLY, purple is the official color of Justin Bieber. OBVIOUSLY we all should have been wearing purple today. My question is, why is his color purple? Justin - there are a lot of manlier colors you could have picked. Between the girly hair, the high voice, and the signature color purple, you are well on your way to joining a sorority.
My girls are nuts. Justin has a girlfriend (Selena Gomez of the Disney Channel, if you didn't know), but when this was mentioned to one of the delusionals, she just replied flippantly with "Oh yeah, he's cheating on me with Selena, but I'm okay with it." I sure hope she doesn't treat future relationships that way. Another girl sighed contentedly, saying "I just love how his skin is so soft and smooth." How does she know that, is what I'd like to know!
I was asked numerous times if we could stop class to sing "Happy Birthday" to the teen sensation. Seeing as we cannot sing loud enough for him to hear us in...wherever the heck he is today, I said no. I hate to be a party pooper, but if it's a party for Justin Bieber, then maybe I don't really mind.
I was very relieved when the day was over, but then I remembered that he is going to have another birthday next year. Oh baby, baby, baby...no!
My sincerest hope is that many years from now, one of my little nieces or nephews will read this blog and say, "Aunt Christine, who is Justin Bieber?" Now THAT would be music to my ears.
As for now, though, we are faced with the grim reality that the hearts of my students have been stolen by a teenage popstar. I should have seen the craziness of today coming when this conversation ensued yesterday:
Student: "Mrs. Webb, can you make tomorrow a national holiday?"
Me: "Why?"
Student: *looks at me incredulously, upset that I don't already know* "IT'S JUSTIN BIEBER'S BIRTHDAY!"
Although I was flattered by the fact that she thought I had some sort of power over determining national holidays, I regretfully declined and went about my day. I did not take heed of her red flag on the madness that was going to happen in sixth grade on "the great" Justin Bieber's birthday.
I knew I was in for trouble when first thing in the morning one of my girls walked into the classroom with "I heart JB" written in big letters across her face. She was also wearing her 3D glasses that she got at the VIP showing of Never Say Never (The Justin Bieber movie, in case you aren't up on your tween pop culture).
She was followed by the rest of the class members. Many of the girls had similar writings on their faces. They also wrote all over their necks, arms, and anywhere else where it is appropriate to show skin. It was almost creepily cultish. I felt like saying "Justin requests a human sacrifice in honor of his birthday" just to see how many of them would volunteer. Some of the boys even started writing on themselves about how much they love JB. Bieber Fever is a true epidemic, and it has hit my class in full force.
Aside from the writings, they were also paying homage to their idol with Justin Bieber T-shirts, Justin Bieber bracelets, Justin Bieber necklaces, Justin Bieber elastic hair bands, and anything else that Bieber's marketing team could possibly sell with some form of "JB" on it.
Before I could even attempt to start class, the girls were engrossed in a competition with each other on who knew more about Bieber's birthday. "He is SEVENTEEN today!" "Obviously he's seventeen. Did you know he was born in Ontario?" "Did YOU know he was born at 2:56?" etc. etc.
As I circulated around the class throughout the day, notebooks were riddled with doodles about how much they love their hero and plans for their futures together. I felt like announcing, "You can't ALL be 'the future Mrs. Bieber'!" but I didn't want to ruin their hope in life.
During breaks, the halls were filled with students discussing their different celebrations for Justin's birthday. Numerous girls are throwing parties tonight in his honor. Still more are at least making a cake dedicated to him. One student asked a teacher, "Why aren't you wearing purple today?!" Baffled, the teacher asked why she should be wearing purple. APPARENTLY, purple is the official color of Justin Bieber. OBVIOUSLY we all should have been wearing purple today. My question is, why is his color purple? Justin - there are a lot of manlier colors you could have picked. Between the girly hair, the high voice, and the signature color purple, you are well on your way to joining a sorority.
My girls are nuts. Justin has a girlfriend (Selena Gomez of the Disney Channel, if you didn't know), but when this was mentioned to one of the delusionals, she just replied flippantly with "Oh yeah, he's cheating on me with Selena, but I'm okay with it." I sure hope she doesn't treat future relationships that way. Another girl sighed contentedly, saying "I just love how his skin is so soft and smooth." How does she know that, is what I'd like to know!
I was asked numerous times if we could stop class to sing "Happy Birthday" to the teen sensation. Seeing as we cannot sing loud enough for him to hear us in...wherever the heck he is today, I said no. I hate to be a party pooper, but if it's a party for Justin Bieber, then maybe I don't really mind.
I was very relieved when the day was over, but then I remembered that he is going to have another birthday next year. Oh baby, baby, baby...no!
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