Please make it stop. Please. If I hear "I love Justin Bieber" one more time, I think I am going to crack. I might just have a neurological breakdown and tear through the streets with a chainsaw cutting the hair off of anyone who has a do remotely resembling the infamous "Bieber Bangs."
My sincerest hope is that many years from now, one of my little nieces or nephews will read this blog and say, "Aunt Christine, who is Justin Bieber?" Now THAT would be music to my ears.
As for now, though, we are faced with the grim reality that the hearts of my students have been stolen by a teenage popstar. I should have seen the craziness of today coming when this conversation ensued yesterday:
Student: "Mrs. Webb, can you make tomorrow a national holiday?"
Me: "Why?"
Student: *looks at me incredulously, upset that I don't already know* "IT'S JUSTIN BIEBER'S BIRTHDAY!"
Although I was flattered by the fact that she thought I had some sort of power over determining national holidays, I regretfully declined and went about my day. I did not take heed of her red flag on the madness that was going to happen in sixth grade on "the great" Justin Bieber's birthday.
I knew I was in for trouble when first thing in the morning one of my girls walked into the classroom with "I heart JB" written in big letters across her face. She was also wearing her 3D glasses that she got at the VIP showing of Never Say Never (The Justin Bieber movie, in case you aren't up on your tween pop culture).
She was followed by the rest of the class members. Many of the girls had similar writings on their faces. They also wrote all over their necks, arms, and anywhere else where it is appropriate to show skin. It was almost creepily cultish. I felt like saying "Justin requests a human sacrifice in honor of his birthday" just to see how many of them would volunteer. Some of the boys even started writing on themselves about how much they love JB. Bieber Fever is a true epidemic, and it has hit my class in full force.
Aside from the writings, they were also paying homage to their idol with Justin Bieber T-shirts, Justin Bieber bracelets, Justin Bieber necklaces, Justin Bieber elastic hair bands, and anything else that Bieber's marketing team could possibly sell with some form of "JB" on it.
Before I could even attempt to start class, the girls were engrossed in a competition with each other on who knew more about Bieber's birthday. "He is SEVENTEEN today!" "Obviously he's seventeen. Did you know he was born in Ontario?" "Did YOU know he was born at 2:56?" etc. etc.
As I circulated around the class throughout the day, notebooks were riddled with doodles about how much they love their hero and plans for their futures together. I felt like announcing, "You can't ALL be 'the future Mrs. Bieber'!" but I didn't want to ruin their hope in life.
During breaks, the halls were filled with students discussing their different celebrations for Justin's birthday. Numerous girls are throwing parties tonight in his honor. Still more are at least making a cake dedicated to him. One student asked a teacher, "Why aren't you wearing purple today?!" Baffled, the teacher asked why she should be wearing purple. APPARENTLY, purple is the official color of Justin Bieber. OBVIOUSLY we all should have been wearing purple today. My question is, why is his color purple? Justin - there are a lot of manlier colors you could have picked. Between the girly hair, the high voice, and the signature color purple, you are well on your way to joining a sorority.
My girls are nuts. Justin has a girlfriend (Selena Gomez of the Disney Channel, if you didn't know), but when this was mentioned to one of the delusionals, she just replied flippantly with "Oh yeah, he's cheating on me with Selena, but I'm okay with it." I sure hope she doesn't treat future relationships that way. Another girl sighed contentedly, saying "I just love how his skin is so soft and smooth." How does she know that, is what I'd like to know!
I was asked numerous times if we could stop class to sing "Happy Birthday" to the teen sensation. Seeing as we cannot sing loud enough for him to hear us in...wherever the heck he is today, I said no. I hate to be a party pooper, but if it's a party for Justin Bieber, then maybe I don't really mind.
I was very relieved when the day was over, but then I remembered that he is going to have another birthday next year. Oh baby, baby, baby...no!
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
DBHS (Dog Breed High School)
Perhaps Rex and I have run out of things to talk about. Maybe our lives are just kind of boring right now. Whatever the reason, a few nights ago we found ourselves talking about what a high school would look like if all of the students were dogs. I have to dedicate this post to my in-laws, especially Jake, because they have this weird love of dogs that I think I have been catching in the past few years.
Because of his love of dogs, Rex has 15+ dog books. We like to look at them and play "Choose or not choose," a game that sounds like the most retarded game EVER but is actually really fun. You turn the pages of the breed book, and for each new breed you declare if you would choose it or not. Then you defend you answer. It's really that simple. Cool, huh? Okay fine. I knew you would hate it. THE POINT IS that during a routine game of choose or not choose, Rex and I stumbled upon this idea of using high school stereotypes to build a theoretical high school full of dogs. I am going to present it to you now. And since not all of you have all 150+ breeds memorized like Rex does, I have accompanied my description with pictures.
Football team: Bulldogs. I feel like this one is pretty self-explanatory. They are tough, beefy, and scary looking.
Basketball team: Dobermans. They are sleek but still really athletic. Oh, and still scary looking (I feel like most athletes try to have that "scare factor" going for them).
Track team: Greyhounds. They are built for speed.
Prom Queen: Afgan Hound. All that hair... I feel like this dog just looks princess-y. If they made dog tiaras and I had an Afgan Hound, I would buy her one.
Nerdy Kids: Dandie Dinmonts. A lesser known breed, but the resemblance to Albert Einstein makes this dog a perfect candidate to represent anyone who has ever gotten an "A" in chemistry.
Stoners: Bloodhounds. The red eyes and saggy skin make the Bloodhound a perfect candidate to be a stoner dog. Their "I don't care" attitude makes me feel like they would rarely go to class.
Special Ed Kids: Pugs. Obviously pugs are ADORABLE, but let's be honest with ourselves - they look a little bit retarded.
That One Really Weird Kid: Chinese Crested. Every class has that one REALLY weird kid - you know who I am talking about. Well he/she would be a Chinese Crested.
So there you have it - our high school of dog breeds. I feel like the diagnoses are pretty spot-on. I cannot WAIT to get our first dog...but which one do we want?! I'm sure there will be another blog about that when we actually figure it out.
Because of his love of dogs, Rex has 15+ dog books. We like to look at them and play "Choose or not choose," a game that sounds like the most retarded game EVER but is actually really fun. You turn the pages of the breed book, and for each new breed you declare if you would choose it or not. Then you defend you answer. It's really that simple. Cool, huh? Okay fine. I knew you would hate it. THE POINT IS that during a routine game of choose or not choose, Rex and I stumbled upon this idea of using high school stereotypes to build a theoretical high school full of dogs. I am going to present it to you now. And since not all of you have all 150+ breeds memorized like Rex does, I have accompanied my description with pictures.
Football team: Bulldogs. I feel like this one is pretty self-explanatory. They are tough, beefy, and scary looking.
Basketball team: Dobermans. They are sleek but still really athletic. Oh, and still scary looking (I feel like most athletes try to have that "scare factor" going for them).
Track team: Greyhounds. They are built for speed.
Prom Queen: Afgan Hound. All that hair... I feel like this dog just looks princess-y. If they made dog tiaras and I had an Afgan Hound, I would buy her one.
Nerdy Kids: Dandie Dinmonts. A lesser known breed, but the resemblance to Albert Einstein makes this dog a perfect candidate to represent anyone who has ever gotten an "A" in chemistry.
Stoners: Bloodhounds. The red eyes and saggy skin make the Bloodhound a perfect candidate to be a stoner dog. Their "I don't care" attitude makes me feel like they would rarely go to class.
Special Ed Kids: Pugs. Obviously pugs are ADORABLE, but let's be honest with ourselves - they look a little bit retarded.
That One Really Weird Kid: Chinese Crested. Every class has that one REALLY weird kid - you know who I am talking about. Well he/she would be a Chinese Crested.
So there you have it - our high school of dog breeds. I feel like the diagnoses are pretty spot-on. I cannot WAIT to get our first dog...but which one do we want?! I'm sure there will be another blog about that when we actually figure it out.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Stop Judging Me
Stop judging me! Oh, you're not judging me? Well, you're about to be.
I have a confession to make: I, Christine Webb, cannot cook a frozen pizza.
Don't ask me how I messed that up, but I did. Royally. Like, really REALLY messed it up. Take-away-my-wife-license kind of horrible.
It all started because I had a really long day. Rex suggested that we just do something "easy" for dinner and get a frozen pizza so I wouldn't have to cook. Awesome! Great thought in theory.
The first sign that I had done something wrong came when smoke started billowing out of the oven. I opened the oven to see what was smoking. This was a bad idea, as more smoke just started pouring out. I grabbed the pizza out and turned the oven off, but it kept smoking. We quickly learned that the smoke detector in our kitchen is broken. The rest of our apartment started filling up with smoke, and so Rex opened the door to the hallway in order to let some of it out. That is when we learned that the smoke detector in the hallway is NOT broken. Nor is the one in our neighbor's apartment. Like any self-respecting person who had just set off two community smoke alarms, Rex slammed the door shut.
With our door shut, more and more smoke started filling the apartment. I started wondering if I should crawl around on the ground like they show in little kids fire safety videos. My thoughts about that were interrupted by the realization that the smoke alarm next to our bedroom does, in fact, work. "SCREEEEE SCREEEE SCREEEE SCREEEE!!!!!" it chastised us. I jumped up and down and waved my hands over my head to try to clear the smoke from the detector so it would stop. Finally it did. I skittered into the living room to talk to Rex. "We have to do something about all of this smoke!" I whimpered. "What can we do?!" coughed Rex. "All of the doors and windows are caulked shut for the winter!" Just then our smoke alarm started screeching again. I groaned and ran back to the hall to do my jumpy "clear the smoke" dance. In between jumps I hollered, "WELL YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO UNCAULK SOMETHING!" Rex saw that this was most definitely true, and he got to work on uncaulking our sliding glass door. He finally undid all of his hard work from the fall, and we got the door open. The smoke (and all of our heat) finally started making its way outside.
Once we got the smoke mostly cleared, we trooped the the kitchen to check out the damage on the pizza. After all, we were REALLY hungry. The pizza didn't look that bad, actually - just the bottom was a bit charred. This still confuses me, as I read the directions on the box a million times after this incident and still can't figure out what I did wrong. The temperature was right, and I was still supposed to leave it in for five minutes past when all of this smoking happened! Rex said that part of the pizza dripped onto the bottom of the oven, and that is what started smoking. I still don't know for sure what it was.
Hating to waste food, we decided to eat the pizza. We started eating, and it really didn't taste too bad! I looked up from my food to say to Rex, "It really isn't even that burned..." but I ended up laughing hysterically because what I got to say instead was, "Um, honey? You have ashes on your nose." He had ASHES on his NOSE. I am a horrible wife. He started laughing and pointed out, "Christine - I don't get it. You take the most complicated recipes and make them taste amazing, but you can't do frozen pizza?! It makes no sense!"
It really doesn't make any sense - I am still baffled. Let me assure you, though - from now on our "easy dinners" will come in the form of Hot N Ready's or other such easy, cheap food that I do NOT have any part in preparing. I'm sure our neighbors and the rest of our building will really appreciate it.
I have a confession to make: I, Christine Webb, cannot cook a frozen pizza.
Don't ask me how I messed that up, but I did. Royally. Like, really REALLY messed it up. Take-away-my-wife-license kind of horrible.
It all started because I had a really long day. Rex suggested that we just do something "easy" for dinner and get a frozen pizza so I wouldn't have to cook. Awesome! Great thought in theory.
The first sign that I had done something wrong came when smoke started billowing out of the oven. I opened the oven to see what was smoking. This was a bad idea, as more smoke just started pouring out. I grabbed the pizza out and turned the oven off, but it kept smoking. We quickly learned that the smoke detector in our kitchen is broken. The rest of our apartment started filling up with smoke, and so Rex opened the door to the hallway in order to let some of it out. That is when we learned that the smoke detector in the hallway is NOT broken. Nor is the one in our neighbor's apartment. Like any self-respecting person who had just set off two community smoke alarms, Rex slammed the door shut.
With our door shut, more and more smoke started filling the apartment. I started wondering if I should crawl around on the ground like they show in little kids fire safety videos. My thoughts about that were interrupted by the realization that the smoke alarm next to our bedroom does, in fact, work. "SCREEEEE SCREEEE SCREEEE SCREEEE!!!!!" it chastised us. I jumped up and down and waved my hands over my head to try to clear the smoke from the detector so it would stop. Finally it did. I skittered into the living room to talk to Rex. "We have to do something about all of this smoke!" I whimpered. "What can we do?!" coughed Rex. "All of the doors and windows are caulked shut for the winter!" Just then our smoke alarm started screeching again. I groaned and ran back to the hall to do my jumpy "clear the smoke" dance. In between jumps I hollered, "WELL YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO UNCAULK SOMETHING!" Rex saw that this was most definitely true, and he got to work on uncaulking our sliding glass door. He finally undid all of his hard work from the fall, and we got the door open. The smoke (and all of our heat) finally started making its way outside.
Once we got the smoke mostly cleared, we trooped the the kitchen to check out the damage on the pizza. After all, we were REALLY hungry. The pizza didn't look that bad, actually - just the bottom was a bit charred. This still confuses me, as I read the directions on the box a million times after this incident and still can't figure out what I did wrong. The temperature was right, and I was still supposed to leave it in for five minutes past when all of this smoking happened! Rex said that part of the pizza dripped onto the bottom of the oven, and that is what started smoking. I still don't know for sure what it was.
Hating to waste food, we decided to eat the pizza. We started eating, and it really didn't taste too bad! I looked up from my food to say to Rex, "It really isn't even that burned..." but I ended up laughing hysterically because what I got to say instead was, "Um, honey? You have ashes on your nose." He had ASHES on his NOSE. I am a horrible wife. He started laughing and pointed out, "Christine - I don't get it. You take the most complicated recipes and make them taste amazing, but you can't do frozen pizza?! It makes no sense!"
It really doesn't make any sense - I am still baffled. Let me assure you, though - from now on our "easy dinners" will come in the form of Hot N Ready's or other such easy, cheap food that I do NOT have any part in preparing. I'm sure our neighbors and the rest of our building will really appreciate it.
Teacher Blitz
Today I was considering the fact that I hoard my favorite teacher stories for a couple of weeks until I finally get around to blogging about them. When I do that, though, I forget about a TON of the more tame, everyday funny things that happen. Seriously - my job makes me laugh numerous times every single day, and you miss out on all of it. I feel sorry for you. So today I decided to do a student story blitz - I would take notes on the funny things that happened during the day so that when I got home (now), you could see just one day of stories to understand the craziness that I encounter on a daily basis.
So here we go...student stories from exclusively 2/16/2011 (names are changed):
1. I have a policy that if a student is acting up, I write their name on the board. They can get their name off the board if they prove that they are changing their behavior, but if their name is on the board at recess time then they have to stay in for recess. Patrick got his name written on the board, but he worked diligently for the next ten minutes so I went up and erased it. With only five minutes left to go until recess, Patrick raised his hand. When I asked what his question was, he said, "Is getting on the board like chicken pox? Where once you've been on there you can't get it again? At least in the same day?" Sorry, Patrick, no board immunity for you. You're fair game until the bell rings.
2. There is a new trend in my class. Please note that in sixth grade, new trends only last for about 24-48 hours. I usually find them too fleeting to mention. This one is pretty funny, though. New trend: tell Mrs. Webb who your secret crush is. Not joking. Don't ask me why - I had kids coming up to me all day "confessing" their love for other students. One girl said, "Mrs. Webb, I really want to tell you who I like, but I'm nervous. Can I write it down?" I responded with something along the lines of, "Uhhh...sure." So a couple minutes later she handed me the TINIEST note I have ever seen. It was barely a speck of paper. When I unfolded it, it measured approximately 1/2 cm by 1/2 cm. It microscopic letters was written the word "Ben." I looked at the note, and the girl said, "Will you destroy that note now? Like burn it or something?" I wanted to let her know that no one could read it anyway due to the fact that they would need a magnifying glass, but I stuck with just assuring her it would be destroyed.
3. Still dealing with the aforementioned trend, John came up to me and said, "Mrs. Webb, I would tell you who I like, but I can't because I don't trust you." I was a bit confused since I thought that I had a pretty good relationship with John. I said, "That's fine if you don't tell me, but why don't you trust me?" He responded with, "Because you're married. I don't trust ANYONE who is married." Okay, John. I don't know what to do with that.
4. Penny told me who she likes, and I said, "Wait, I thought you had a boyfriend?" She informed me that she dumped him. I asked why, and she burst out with, "WHY do people keep asking me why? I don't have a reason!" I quickly responded, "Oh, I mean, that's fine! It's just that, a lot of times when someone dumps someone else, there is some sort of reason for why they do that. But I guess you don't NEED one..." She seemed satisfied with that and sat down.
5. Chelsey came in from recess and said, "Mrs. Webb!! Hannah was talking about the WEIRDEST thing today!" I asked her what it was, and she seemed hesitant to tell me. She seemed very squeamish and awkward. Finally she said, "Well, she was talking about the thing in the thing when ya do that thing." I told her that I had no clue what that meant. She made a hand motion that indicated she was talking about sex.
NORMAL MATURE ADULT RESPONSE: "Well, that is a natural thing that is great at the right time. It probably is not appropriate for you to be discussing it at school, however."
MY RESPONSE: "EWWWWWW!! How DISTURBING! That is TOTALLY gross - you should tell her not to talk about that any more. Bleh!!" *shudder*
I guess I discovered that I am about as mature on that topic as my sixth graders. Awesome.
6. Remember the kid who has a crush on me? Well, today I announced that we are going to be writing research papers. There was a collective groan from the class, except for that kid. He JUMPED out of his seat, fist pumped, and exclaimed, "YEAH! RESEARCH! There is NOTHING like a good research paper!!!!!!" Too much, dude. It's a little bit of overkill.
So there it is, y'all - a day in the life of me: "Mrs. Webb." You KNOW you want to teach middle school. Come on, admit it. I know you do. It is without a doubt the BEST job in the whole world.
So here we go...student stories from exclusively 2/16/2011 (names are changed):
1. I have a policy that if a student is acting up, I write their name on the board. They can get their name off the board if they prove that they are changing their behavior, but if their name is on the board at recess time then they have to stay in for recess. Patrick got his name written on the board, but he worked diligently for the next ten minutes so I went up and erased it. With only five minutes left to go until recess, Patrick raised his hand. When I asked what his question was, he said, "Is getting on the board like chicken pox? Where once you've been on there you can't get it again? At least in the same day?" Sorry, Patrick, no board immunity for you. You're fair game until the bell rings.
2. There is a new trend in my class. Please note that in sixth grade, new trends only last for about 24-48 hours. I usually find them too fleeting to mention. This one is pretty funny, though. New trend: tell Mrs. Webb who your secret crush is. Not joking. Don't ask me why - I had kids coming up to me all day "confessing" their love for other students. One girl said, "Mrs. Webb, I really want to tell you who I like, but I'm nervous. Can I write it down?" I responded with something along the lines of, "Uhhh...sure." So a couple minutes later she handed me the TINIEST note I have ever seen. It was barely a speck of paper. When I unfolded it, it measured approximately 1/2 cm by 1/2 cm. It microscopic letters was written the word "Ben." I looked at the note, and the girl said, "Will you destroy that note now? Like burn it or something?" I wanted to let her know that no one could read it anyway due to the fact that they would need a magnifying glass, but I stuck with just assuring her it would be destroyed.
3. Still dealing with the aforementioned trend, John came up to me and said, "Mrs. Webb, I would tell you who I like, but I can't because I don't trust you." I was a bit confused since I thought that I had a pretty good relationship with John. I said, "That's fine if you don't tell me, but why don't you trust me?" He responded with, "Because you're married. I don't trust ANYONE who is married." Okay, John. I don't know what to do with that.
4. Penny told me who she likes, and I said, "Wait, I thought you had a boyfriend?" She informed me that she dumped him. I asked why, and she burst out with, "WHY do people keep asking me why? I don't have a reason!" I quickly responded, "Oh, I mean, that's fine! It's just that, a lot of times when someone dumps someone else, there is some sort of reason for why they do that. But I guess you don't NEED one..." She seemed satisfied with that and sat down.
5. Chelsey came in from recess and said, "Mrs. Webb!! Hannah was talking about the WEIRDEST thing today!" I asked her what it was, and she seemed hesitant to tell me. She seemed very squeamish and awkward. Finally she said, "Well, she was talking about the thing in the thing when ya do that thing." I told her that I had no clue what that meant. She made a hand motion that indicated she was talking about sex.
NORMAL MATURE ADULT RESPONSE: "Well, that is a natural thing that is great at the right time. It probably is not appropriate for you to be discussing it at school, however."
MY RESPONSE: "EWWWWWW!! How DISTURBING! That is TOTALLY gross - you should tell her not to talk about that any more. Bleh!!" *shudder*
I guess I discovered that I am about as mature on that topic as my sixth graders. Awesome.
6. Remember the kid who has a crush on me? Well, today I announced that we are going to be writing research papers. There was a collective groan from the class, except for that kid. He JUMPED out of his seat, fist pumped, and exclaimed, "YEAH! RESEARCH! There is NOTHING like a good research paper!!!!!!" Too much, dude. It's a little bit of overkill.
So there it is, y'all - a day in the life of me: "Mrs. Webb." You KNOW you want to teach middle school. Come on, admit it. I know you do. It is without a doubt the BEST job in the whole world.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
The Things We do for Free Pizza
Welllllllllllp, Rex and I have once again wasted an hour of our time in the interests of free pizza.
This is by far not the first time we have done this, and it most likely won't be the last. We used to engage in pizza-mooching a lot more when we lived on campus, but we haven't been doing it as much since we moved to our apartment. Probably the best time was when we went to the gay pride meeting in order to mooch off their pizza and some guy was TOTALLY hitting on Rex, but that's really a different story.
Tonight we went to the PPTA meeting. PPTA stands for "Pre-Physical Therapy Association," so it is actually a relevant group for Rex to attend (but not me). He has been a member for the past two years. The reason why it was irrelevant to go tonight is because the lecture was about how to write a good grad school essay, and Rex has already gotten into grad school. Oh, and I'm already in grad school right now. So no need for me to attend either. But they had free pizza, so we decided to go.
The pizza was good. Obviously - it's pizza. I don't need to describe that to you. What I DO need to describe to you is the speaker who talked about writing essays. He is a representative from Kaplan (the testing agency), so really he mostly talked about the GRE test (also irrelevant to Rex and I).
After this man was introduced, he walked up to the front of the room and started CLAPPING FOR HIMSELF. No lie. Who DOES that? He followed up his egotistical action with equally egotistical dialogue: "HELLO, everyone! Well, it is good to see you here. It was cold today so I thought about not coming, but then I thought, 'WAIT - my people are awaiting me.' As you are about to see, I am a very eloquent speaker. You will be very interested this whole time. I'm not just good at speaking, either. I am really great at a lot of things - seriously. Ask my mom."
HE SAID THAT. AND HE WAS SERIOUS. To top it all off, this man sounds EXACTLY like Kermit the Frog. Seriously - more than one person around me whispered about it. He really does sound like Kermit. Picture a really egotistical Kermit the frog with an ugly beard. That's this guy.
He started in on his speech and...wow. It was pretty much the "You may now thank God that I am gracing your presence" speech. He started out by talking about a time in Las Vegas when he was lost at a casino and then about another time when he was in a handicapped stall in the bathroom and then a guy in a wheelchair came in. After briefing us on his heroic tales (and maybe realizing that he was blabbering on about nothing), he said, "and that's why Kalpan is here - to make sure that you are NEVER in the wrong place at the wrong time." WHAT?? What kind of transition was that? It doesn't even make sense! He followed it with, "Don't even think of me as a Kaplan guy. Just take it from me - one smart cookie - you need a good GRE score." Note to self: never be friends with someone who describes him/herself as "one smart cookie."
As he went through his powerpoint, he would go to the next slide and comment satisfactorily to himself, like "Ahhhh, yes this is a good one," or "Ha ha! Yes!" Weirdo. Also, he kept making comments about getting our masters degrees. "If you're really serious about getting your masters..." or "They are going to ask you why you are pursuing a masters degree..." He is talking to a room full of pre-PT students. Physical Therapy isn't a masters, it's a doctorate. A DOCTORATE, do you hear me Kermit?!? If you were such a smart cookie, I think you would have figured that out before this meeting.
I was having such a hard time not bursting out laughing. At one point my hand was covering my mouth (I was trying to make it look like I had to cough), and Rex said, "Are you CRYING?" I twitched my head slightly in a "no" motion, worried that if I moved too much the guffaws would explode out of me. Rex started stifling laughter himself, whispering "then I think the laughter is bottled up so much that it is spilling out your eyes, because they're totally watering." My laughs leaked out in a couple short bursts after that, and Mr. "I'm Amazing" glared at me. Oops.
HOW did other people not find this guy hilarious?? They were furiously taking copious notes. I wished I could be taking notes on this guy's quotes so that I could include more of them in this blog, but alas I did not have a pen. I guess they were all legitimately concerned about getting into grad school and somehow thought this guy could help them. Ha - suckers.
When he finally said, "In conclusion..." Rex and I turned to each other and, in complete unison, whispered, "OH MY GOSH THANK GOODNESS!!" Trying not to laugh for an hour straight had taken WAY too much energy - we needed some more pizza.
To end up the meeting, Frog-man tried to convince everyone to pay $729 for a three hour tutoring session. This man thinks that it is worth $200+ per hour for him to bestow knowledge upon us?? Sorry, Kermit. I'm taking my pizza and running far away from you.
Actually, I did grab an extra slice of pizza on my way out in order to make the time more worth my while. If it hadn't been for the crazy bread and pop, I might have called this one a waste. Well, actually, at least I got a few laughs and a blog out of it. Maybe it was a success after all. :-)
This is by far not the first time we have done this, and it most likely won't be the last. We used to engage in pizza-mooching a lot more when we lived on campus, but we haven't been doing it as much since we moved to our apartment. Probably the best time was when we went to the gay pride meeting in order to mooch off their pizza and some guy was TOTALLY hitting on Rex, but that's really a different story.
Tonight we went to the PPTA meeting. PPTA stands for "Pre-Physical Therapy Association," so it is actually a relevant group for Rex to attend (but not me). He has been a member for the past two years. The reason why it was irrelevant to go tonight is because the lecture was about how to write a good grad school essay, and Rex has already gotten into grad school. Oh, and I'm already in grad school right now. So no need for me to attend either. But they had free pizza, so we decided to go.
The pizza was good. Obviously - it's pizza. I don't need to describe that to you. What I DO need to describe to you is the speaker who talked about writing essays. He is a representative from Kaplan (the testing agency), so really he mostly talked about the GRE test (also irrelevant to Rex and I).
After this man was introduced, he walked up to the front of the room and started CLAPPING FOR HIMSELF. No lie. Who DOES that? He followed up his egotistical action with equally egotistical dialogue: "HELLO, everyone! Well, it is good to see you here. It was cold today so I thought about not coming, but then I thought, 'WAIT - my people are awaiting me.' As you are about to see, I am a very eloquent speaker. You will be very interested this whole time. I'm not just good at speaking, either. I am really great at a lot of things - seriously. Ask my mom."
HE SAID THAT. AND HE WAS SERIOUS. To top it all off, this man sounds EXACTLY like Kermit the Frog. Seriously - more than one person around me whispered about it. He really does sound like Kermit. Picture a really egotistical Kermit the frog with an ugly beard. That's this guy.
He started in on his speech and...wow. It was pretty much the "You may now thank God that I am gracing your presence" speech. He started out by talking about a time in Las Vegas when he was lost at a casino and then about another time when he was in a handicapped stall in the bathroom and then a guy in a wheelchair came in. After briefing us on his heroic tales (and maybe realizing that he was blabbering on about nothing), he said, "and that's why Kalpan is here - to make sure that you are NEVER in the wrong place at the wrong time." WHAT?? What kind of transition was that? It doesn't even make sense! He followed it with, "Don't even think of me as a Kaplan guy. Just take it from me - one smart cookie - you need a good GRE score." Note to self: never be friends with someone who describes him/herself as "one smart cookie."
As he went through his powerpoint, he would go to the next slide and comment satisfactorily to himself, like "Ahhhh, yes this is a good one," or "Ha ha! Yes!" Weirdo. Also, he kept making comments about getting our masters degrees. "If you're really serious about getting your masters..." or "They are going to ask you why you are pursuing a masters degree..." He is talking to a room full of pre-PT students. Physical Therapy isn't a masters, it's a doctorate. A DOCTORATE, do you hear me Kermit?!? If you were such a smart cookie, I think you would have figured that out before this meeting.
I was having such a hard time not bursting out laughing. At one point my hand was covering my mouth (I was trying to make it look like I had to cough), and Rex said, "Are you CRYING?" I twitched my head slightly in a "no" motion, worried that if I moved too much the guffaws would explode out of me. Rex started stifling laughter himself, whispering "then I think the laughter is bottled up so much that it is spilling out your eyes, because they're totally watering." My laughs leaked out in a couple short bursts after that, and Mr. "I'm Amazing" glared at me. Oops.
HOW did other people not find this guy hilarious?? They were furiously taking copious notes. I wished I could be taking notes on this guy's quotes so that I could include more of them in this blog, but alas I did not have a pen. I guess they were all legitimately concerned about getting into grad school and somehow thought this guy could help them. Ha - suckers.
When he finally said, "In conclusion..." Rex and I turned to each other and, in complete unison, whispered, "OH MY GOSH THANK GOODNESS!!" Trying not to laugh for an hour straight had taken WAY too much energy - we needed some more pizza.
To end up the meeting, Frog-man tried to convince everyone to pay $729 for a three hour tutoring session. This man thinks that it is worth $200+ per hour for him to bestow knowledge upon us?? Sorry, Kermit. I'm taking my pizza and running far away from you.
Actually, I did grab an extra slice of pizza on my way out in order to make the time more worth my while. If it hadn't been for the crazy bread and pop, I might have called this one a waste. Well, actually, at least I got a few laughs and a blog out of it. Maybe it was a success after all. :-)
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Our Little Buddy
Rex and I love pets. We are going to open a pet shop when we get old. Not joking - it's going to be called "Webb's World of Pets." Cool, huh? Anyway, currently we have adopted a new little guy into our family. He can't live inside because he is a little too...uh...wild, but we love him anyway. His name is Chubby:
We make sure to put snacks out on our porch for him. Sometimes he brings his friends to eat too, and that's fine with us! We feed them too. Chubby is the cutest little squirrel ever. Elsie doesn't like him, though. She constantly tries to go jump on him while he is enjoying his treats, but the sliding glass door keeps getting in her way. She runs full speed directly into the door multiple times a day. She thinks one of these days she's going to make it through the door, but I'm not sure what is giving her that idea. Maybe she's a little brain-damaged from all of the running into the glass. Chubby learned very quickly that Elsie can't hurt him, so he just eats and watches her pleasantly while she tries to devise new ways to go attack him. It's pretty humorous to watch.
Anyway, we sure do love that little guy. We say hi to him every day, and I think he loves us too because we give him food. I wish we could bring him with us to Nevada, but I don't think that is going to work out. Hopefully someone else in our apartment complex will take him in. Or, you know, he could survive on his own like every other normal squirrel. We sure will miss him when we go - there are not many squirrels in southern Nevada. :-(
Love you Chubby!!
We make sure to put snacks out on our porch for him. Sometimes he brings his friends to eat too, and that's fine with us! We feed them too. Chubby is the cutest little squirrel ever. Elsie doesn't like him, though. She constantly tries to go jump on him while he is enjoying his treats, but the sliding glass door keeps getting in her way. She runs full speed directly into the door multiple times a day. She thinks one of these days she's going to make it through the door, but I'm not sure what is giving her that idea. Maybe she's a little brain-damaged from all of the running into the glass. Chubby learned very quickly that Elsie can't hurt him, so he just eats and watches her pleasantly while she tries to devise new ways to go attack him. It's pretty humorous to watch.
Anyway, we sure do love that little guy. We say hi to him every day, and I think he loves us too because we give him food. I wish we could bring him with us to Nevada, but I don't think that is going to work out. Hopefully someone else in our apartment complex will take him in. Or, you know, he could survive on his own like every other normal squirrel. We sure will miss him when we go - there are not many squirrels in southern Nevada. :-(
Love you Chubby!!
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Snow Day!
Yesterday I saw one of the funniest things I have ever seen in my life. Seriously. Definitely top five, probably top three. I fear it may have been one of those "You had to be there" moments, but I am going to describe it the best way I can.
Three minutes before the bell rang to dismiss students for the day, the secretary's voice came over the PA system for announcements: "Attention students: Our superintendent has decided that school will be canceled for tomorrow..."
EXPLOSION
My class literally exploded. This was not your average cheer of "Hooray! Snow Day!" Children shot out of their chairs and started screaming (SCREAMING) for joy. Students started throwing their chairs, chest bumping, and freaking out as if the announcement had been, "We have decided to give you all a million dollars..." Some students were sobbing out of sheer happiness. Not "glistening eyes" or "one trickling tear"...SOBBING. Even one of my toughest football players was crying like a baby because he was SO HAPPY that we have a snow day. It was INSANITY!!! I just stood back, shocked and laughing, knowing that any attempt at creating order would have been completely futile. It was as if all of the girls had just been crowned Miss America, and all of the boys had just won the Superbowl.
Don't get me wrong - I LOVE snow days, but it was completely ridiculous and awesome. I will never forget that scene as long as I live. :-)
Three minutes before the bell rang to dismiss students for the day, the secretary's voice came over the PA system for announcements: "Attention students: Our superintendent has decided that school will be canceled for tomorrow..."
EXPLOSION
My class literally exploded. This was not your average cheer of "Hooray! Snow Day!" Children shot out of their chairs and started screaming (SCREAMING) for joy. Students started throwing their chairs, chest bumping, and freaking out as if the announcement had been, "We have decided to give you all a million dollars..." Some students were sobbing out of sheer happiness. Not "glistening eyes" or "one trickling tear"...SOBBING. Even one of my toughest football players was crying like a baby because he was SO HAPPY that we have a snow day. It was INSANITY!!! I just stood back, shocked and laughing, knowing that any attempt at creating order would have been completely futile. It was as if all of the girls had just been crowned Miss America, and all of the boys had just won the Superbowl.
Don't get me wrong - I LOVE snow days, but it was completely ridiculous and awesome. I will never forget that scene as long as I live. :-)
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