Return to The Watershed

Do you remember The Watershed? It is the bar that I blogged about in my previous post titled "Cougars." My dad read that post and decided that he MUST join in on the fun. He really wanted to experience this bar for himself to see whether or not I was fabricating my crazy stories.

Needless to say, I was not fabricating any of my stories. The Watershed is insane.

My parents decided to ditch me and go to Miami for Christmas, but they came up to Lansing the week before Christmas in order to celebrate with Rex and I there. It ended up being one of the most fun weekends of the whole semester - we had a great time. On Saturday night, after opening presents, Rex and my dad and I decided to go out to the Watershed.

We walked in and there was no music playing. All my stories of crazy grinding fifty-somethings were looking a little weak. I began to get nervous that the Watershed wasn't going to be as crazy this time, and my dad was going to think that I embellished the craziness for my blog (which I SO did not). I should not have worried. The Watershed fully delivered.

When we walked a little but further into the bar, I realized that the reason there was no music playing was because a band was setting up near the dance floor. I figured this was a good sign. The three of us walked over to the bar so my dad could order some drinks for us. Right as we walked up, a hugely fat man with approximately half of his teeth stumbled out of the bathroom. Right behind him was another man holding Fatso's hands behind his back. Fatso walked eerily close to me and slurred, "Hey Barbie" before being led away by the sober-er guy standing behind him. After watching them for a minute with equal parts curiosity and disgust, we turned back to the bar. Big letters on the mirror behind the bar shouted, "SATURDAY NIGHT: SEX WITH EXES!!!" The three of us exchanged glances to see if anyone in our party knew what that meant. No one did.

We got our drinks and sat down in a corner booth so we could have an optimum people watching position. These were some of the highlights:

1. My dad turned to us and whispered urgently, "GUYS! Do you see that chick over there? The one in the red top? She is TOTALLY checking me out." We laughed awkwardly at my dad being checked out while out with his children, but he seemed proud that, at almost 54, he's still "got it." The jury is out on whether or not she was actually checking him out, but he is sure she was. He leaned back in the booth, sighed smugly and said, "Yep yep. She is eyein' the Dan Man." Someone please tell me I was adopted. I cannot be related to him.

2. You know how in a lot of high school movies there is a huge party and then there is some awkward couple making out in a corner? Well, that couple apparently grew up and now hangs out at The Watershed. A couple who was easily as old as my parents was sitting in a corner booth opposite of ours. She was sitting on his lap, and they were making out like stereotypical teenagers in post-prom heat. Um....ew. I'm not sure at what age you are too old to make out anymore, but they were past it.

3. Goth Girl was sitting at a center table with a very scared looking date. You would be scared too if you were dating Goth Girl. She was wearing creepy black clothes and even creepier make-up that made her eyes look like a raccoon's. The man with her looked pretty normal, and I couldn't help wondering if Goth Girl looked normal when he asked her out, but then put on her "going out" clothes and is now scary. I don't blame him for looking freaked out - by the creepy way she was looking at him I suspect he may have become a human sacrifice by the end of the night.

4. Finally the lead singer got up to introduce her band. I think she was really pretty for a middle-aged woman, but I can't be sure because I couldn't tear my eyes off of the disaster-waiting-to-happen that was her cleavage. I give it a 75% chance that her boobs fell out of her shirt by the end of the night. The black spandex of her top was working WAY to hard to keep 'em covered. She took the microphone and said, "Hello Watershed!!! We are Sex with Exes, and we are ready to play for you!" Rex, my dad, and I shared a look of new understanding about the "Sex with Exes" sign. But might I say, at what band meeting was that approved as the BEST name they could come up with!?!?!?

Sex with Exes was...um...how do I say this nicely?...not good. They seemed like a high school band that was really cool in high school, but then all of their peers grew up, went to college, and started real careers while Sex with Exes is still trying to make it. They are playing at a dive bar in Haslett, so obviously they haven't "made it" too far yet. Their music wasn't super, and the main problem was that it was SO LOUD. Loud as in take your ipod, turn it up to the highest possible volume level, and stick the earphones in your ears. Then imagine a sound about ten decibals louder. It was an instant headache for all involved. The dance floor cleared pretty quickly because the sound waves blasted everyone away. There was one brave guy, we nicknamed him "Huggy Man," who really wanted to dance so he would go up to his friends and hug them while rhythmically bouncing up and down. Note to Huggy Man: that's not dancing. It's just being weird.

Sadly, we had to leave shortly after Sex with Exes started playing. The hearing loss just wasn't worth it. My dad was impressed with the amount of craziness at The Watershed, though, and I was glad that my blog was proven true. If any of you want to challenge its validity again, I will gladly go back to The Watershed with you to let you see this for yourself. :-)