Elsie Cracks

I think my poor kitty had a nervous breakdown last night.

We have now had dogs in our apartment for almost two weeks. Elsie still doesn't like them. I think she is upset because she used to be the spoiled princess who got all of the attention, but now she has to share it with the dogs.

In an attempt to try to make her feel more included, I decided I would let her play outside just like we let the dogs play outside. I think this might have been the final straw. I hooked her up to a lead just like we do with the dogs, and I put her down outside the apartment. She immediately hissed and screamed and darted away so fast that her collar broke off. She hid in the corner of our porch and glared at me. I called to Rex in the calmest voice I could muster "Elsie is off the leash...she could run away...we have to get her back inside NOW." I tried to calm Elsie: "Hi princess! I didn't know you hated it so much outside...you usually sit by the door all day and watch the lake so I thought you might want to come out...but it's okay! If you'll let me pick you up I can take you right back inside..." I need not have worried. The second Rex opened our slider door, Elsie shot like a bullet back into our living room. Then she turned and gave me an "if looks could kill" glare that clearly said "Don't you EVER treat me like a dog again!!!"

I think it was then that Elsie decided to take matters into her own paws and get rid of the dogs. The question was...how? She started by sneaking over to the dogs' food dish and began eating their food. I don't know if she liked it, but she was eating it anyway. She leered up at the dogs after every few bites as if to say, "HA! I'm eating your food! What are you going to do about it? Huh? HUH?!" Unfortunately for Elsie, the dogs didn't mind sharing their food. When she realized she wasn't bothering them, she decided to try a different tactic. She would stalk them.

For whatever reason, she decided to target Tramp first. She hid behind furniture and peeked out at her, and then would quickly army crawl (I'm not kidding - I have to get some video of Elsie's army crawl to show you) to the next closest piece of furniture and peek out at Tramp again. Tramp, who was completely oblivious to the kitten on a warpath, went to her kennel to take a nap. Not to be deterred from her mission, Elsie army crawled to the couch, jumped up on it, and peered over the armrest where she would have a good view of Tramp's kennel. Rex and I (who obviously watched this entire thing) laughed to see just her ears and eyes peek up over the armrest, and then immediately duck back down so she would not be detected by the sleeping Tramp. Her eyes were wide and wild, like how a cat looks when it is about to attack a mouse. She did not leave her couch post, but just kept the peering and ducking pattern going until Tramp woke up. Tramp, who still didn't even notice that she was being stalked, lumbered over to her food dish for a snack. Elsie resumed her army crawling and hiding behind furniture to keep stalking Tramp into the kitchen. She got closer...and closer...and closer until she was only inches away from her target. All she had to do was to peer around the kitchen doorway and she would run straight into Tramp. Well, she peered around the kitchen doorway, and for the first time Tramp noticed her. Rex and I got a bit nervous - what was Elsie going to do? Well, the answer is...nothing. She totally froze up. Tramp walked right by her - literally an inch away from the cat, and Elsie just stood paralyzed with fear.

As if frustrated with her inability to strike the enemy at the opportune moment, Elsie hung her head sadly. Then, as if she just couldn't take this torture any more, she snapped and went completely berserk. She started sprinting around the apartment at lightning speed, not chasing anything in particular but just running around everywhere. Finally she found a yellow yarn ball, brought it into the living room, and started viciously attacking it. She jumped on it, she rolled around with it, she batted it with her paws, she ripped at it with her teeth, basically anything she could do to get her anger out. Once she was finished, the "ball" was more just a pile of knotted up yarn. Then - this is my favorite part - she held up the mess of yarn with ONE PAW and presented it to Rex and I, who were petting the dogs. I'm not exactly sure what that meant, but it was either "This is what will happen to your FACE if you don't get rid of those dogs!" or "This is what I WOULD have done to those dogs if they weren't so huge and scary!" Either way, I think it made her feel better to know she had made her intimidating statement, and she sauntered off to her kitty bed to take a much needed nap.