Food Network

I have decided that I want to have my own show on the Food Network. I DESERVE it. I am always trying out new recipes, and I think viewers could learn a lot from me! The thing is, I think the show would have to be a comedy show. It's perfect because the Food Network does not currently have a comedy show, so I could fill that niche!

Even though I like to try new recipes, more often than not I fail at them. Tonight is a perfect example. I'm trying this new "gluten free eating" thing, but I really wanted some pasta. I found a recipe for homemade gluten-free pasta, and I decided to attempt it. I should have known better than to try something when I hadn't even heard of half of the ingredients (xanthan gum? tapioca starch?). Still, I pictured myself making fabulous pasta and preparing all sorts of fantastic gluten-free recipes. They would call me "The Girl who Makes Gluten-Free Pasta."

Okay - no one is going to call me that. Rex got home from studying and found me near tears trying to wash sticky gunk off of my hands. When asked what was wrong, I sniffed, "I can't cook anything! I can't even make pasta! What is my problem?!" He tried to reassure me, saying that it can't possibly be that bad. I pointed to the pile of goo sitting on my cutting board. He eyed it thoughtfully and finally came up with, "Um, are you sure you followed all of the directions exactly right?" I couldn't help but laugh - he always thinks of something nice to say, and that's the best he could come up with! I told him that OF COURSE I followed all of the directions exactly (I mean, mostly), but for some reason it just didn't work! He asked why I hadn't rolled out the dough with a rolling pin like the directions said, and I told him that we didn't HAVE a rolling pin. I tried to use his Gander Mountain mug to roll it out, but all that did was cover the mug in dough and cause the remaining blob of sticky dough to look even more pathetic.

Without much option and because I didn't want to waste all of my dough (after all, I worked so hard on it!), I rolled up a sticky piece and dropped it into a boiling pot of water. It looked like an oversized maggot or possibly a really light colored turd. It did NOT look like a noodle. Still, I cooked it.

When I took it out of the pot, I rinsed it off and took a tentative bite. It actually tasted like a noodle! I turned to Rex and exclaimed, "Whoo hoo! It actually tastes like a really thick, blobby noodle!" Suddenly the full taste hit me and I winced. "Except it is pretty garlic-y..." Rex looked at me incredulously and inquired, "WHY would a noodle taste like garlic?" I mumbled sheepishly, "Um, we were out of salt so I used garlic salt because I figured it was pretty much the same."

He immediately started laughing. "GARLIC SALT?? Why would you think you could substitute GARLIC SALT for REGULAR SALT?! HAHAHAHAHA!" I mean, geez louise - who does he think he is, Gordon Ramsay or something? I would like to see HIM try to make pasta from scratch! I mean, yes he would probably go get the right ingredients, roll it with a rolling pin, and roll the noodles correctly, but that is BESIDE THE POINT. I made an EFFORT here. There are already enough Rachel Rays and Paula Deans in the world - it's time for Christine Webb!

I can see it now - a whole show about my cooking hijinks! I'll be like Lucille Ball from "I Love Lucy," but all of my shenanigans will have to do with food. Normal cooking shows have the chef put everything together and then say something along the lines of, "And now, here is one that is all ready to come out of the oven!" I'll do that too, but when I pull MY food out of the oven it will probably look like a pile of vomit. I'll yell, "Hey Zack!" (that's my producer) "Who barfed on my casserole? We can't air this! Go get some take-out for me to show the folks at home!" And then we'll end every episode with a promotion for a new take-out place! So we can pay for the entire production in advertising revenues. As the credits roll at the end of the episode, Rex will walk in, take one look at my food, and say, "Christine...you've got some 'splainin to do!"

It's going to be perfect. Now to find something to eat for dinner tonight...