My Interview

Reporter:  Well, Ms. Webb, it's very nice of you to meet with us today.

Me:  No problem, Tim.  (I bet his name is Tim.  I don't know why.  Or if it's a girl it's probably Laurel).  It's the least I could do.

Reporter:  Tell us, what does it mean to you to have your home featured on the cover of Better Homes and Gardens for the tenth time? 

Me: Let me tell you, Tim/Laurel.  It means a lot.  There was a time when I wasn't very domestic.  I never dreamed that I would be featured in your magazine!  I mean, okay - let's be real - I dreamed of it.  I just never thought it would really happen.  And now here I am, featured on my tenth cover.

Reporter:  I think a lot of our readers would find it difficult to believe that you weren't always, as you say, "domestic."  It's obvious by your lush gardens that you were born with a green thumb. 

Me:  (shaking my head vigorously)  No!  It's not true.  I have not always been this way.  Actually, back in my early twenties, I tried for months to grow some flowers and totally failed.

Reporter:  Impossible.

Me:  It's true!  See this picture? (I pull a tattered, sun bleached picture out of my Chanel clutch)  I keep this with me at all times to remember my humble beginnings.  This is a picture of the flowers I tried to grow on the balcony of my apartment when I lived in Las Vegas.

Reporter:  (trying to sound optimistic)  Well...those don't look SO bad...growing flowers from seeds can be quite difficult.

Me:  I know.  That's why I didn't grow the flowers from seeds.  I tried growing flowers from seeds three different times that year, and I never got so much as a sprout of green to pop through the dirt.  I don't get it!  I followed the directions, I used Miracle-Gro plant food, I watered them every day...but nothing would grow.  Finally I decided to buy some already grown flowers and just transplant them into pots for my garden.  I put them in rich soil and spread out the roots just like my mom taught me, but here is a picture of them a week later.  Totally dying.

Reporter:  Wow.  Is that....a mixing bowl that the one plant is in?

Me:  Oh yes.  I ran out of pots for my plants, so I decided to use a mixing bowl for one of them.  I picked that particular one because I had thrown up in it a few times, so using it for cooking was a pretty unappetizing prospect.  Plus, I wasn't a big baker back in my twenties.

Reporter:  (GASP!)  You didn't bake very much!?  But your famous cookbook has sold millions of copies!

Me:  I know, I know.  I've changed since then.

Reporter:  I bet that mixing bowl would sell for a lot of money right now...

Me: Yeah, I'm sure lots of fans would love to have my puke bowl.

Reporter:  It's symbolic.  It shows people that not everyone is born into greatness.  I mean, here you are - a world class gardener featured in the magazine that is the worldwide authority on the subject, and you got your beginnings trying to grow dying plants in a recycled puke bowl.  It's inspiring!

Me:  I guess...

Reporter:  It's amazing.  There is hope for people around the world.  Do you hear that, failing housewives?  Don't give up hope!  Even Christine Webb started off with a less-than-perfect garden, and now look at her.  People come from all over the world to look at her five acres of gorgeous landscaping.

Yeah, I'm sure that's how that interview is going to go.  ;-)