E-Stim

I wasn't really nervous until we were walking out to the car and Rex said, "Wait!  I forgot my electrodes!" and ran back upstairs to get them.

Rex needed his electrodes because my back was hurting me.  Rex, in his physical therapy brilliance, said that he could easily fix it with something called "E-Stim."  We had to go to his school to use the machine.

"E-Stim" stands for "Electrical Stimulation."  Apparently something about putting electricity through the appropriate muscles makes them loosen up and not hurt anymore or something.  I figured it was worth a try.

So we got to Rex's school and he pulled out the crazy looking E-Stim machine.  It looked like a weird robot with tentacle arms that Rex was ready to hook up to my body.  Ummm...eeeeeek.

We went into an empty classroom, and Rex started getting the machine ready for the procedure.  He started monitoring the levels of electrical activity, and I started getting nervous.  I forced a small laugh and wondered aloud, "Isn't electricity what the government uses to execute people?  I mean, is this procedure...safe?  My back doesn't hurt so badly that I want to die."  He answered with a dismissive "You're fine" and pretty much ignored me because he was still setting up.   I couldn't tell if this made me more or less nervous.

As he was setting up, I had visions of future front page headlines:  "CHRISTINE WEBB'S BODY FOUND; DEATH DEEMED 'MYSTERIOUS.'"  I thought back to earlier that day, earlier that week, and earlier that year.  Had I done anything to make Rex particularly angry?  I didn't think so.  I figured he didn't bring me to his deserted school on a Friday night to kill me.  I mean.....probably.

I trusted Rex enough to let him hook the electrodes up on me, confident that if I died the murder would be accidental.  He had me lie down on a table, and he taped the crazy wires to my back.  Okay, he didn't actually "tape" them with tape, but I don't know the technical term for "sticky material that makes the electrodes stick to you."  Whatever that is, he used that.

Once I was all hooked up to his Frankenstein machine, he started turning up the electrical pulses.  He told me to tell him when I started "feeling it."  What?!  What was THAT supposed to mean?  What was I supposed to feel?  Was I going to start twitching uncontrollably like a person hooked up to electricity in a mad scientist's lab?  I pictured this and wished I hadn't.  Was it going to burn?  Was it going to sting?  I started thinking that maybe this was a bad idea after all.

Suddenly an odd sensation started spreading over my back.  It felt prickly, like your foot feels when it falls asleep.  But everyone knows that your back doesn't fall asleep, so it felt really weird.  I wasn't at all sure that I liked it.

After a few minutes of this, I told Rex that I was done.  He said that I couldn't be done until the machine said I was.  Are you kidding me?  Doctors these days are taking their orders from machines?  Our world is going to be run by robots pretty soon, like Ray Bradbury and George Orwell have always predicted.  Does no one read old-days science fiction any more?!  We must stop this madness!  I wanted to rip the electrodes off of me and run screaming from the building, but I figured that was probably a bad idea.

Finally, after what felt like years (but was apparently only fifteen minutes), the machine told me I was "done."  Specifically, it let off a mechanical melody that sounded almost exactly like the little song at the end of each Super Mario Brothers level when Mario jumps up to grab the flag.  It was oddly cheery yet vindictive, and I found myself glaring at the machine.

Rex made me do a couple stretches, and then we went home.  I have to admit, the whole experience kind of freaked me out.  Technology is getting weird.  At least Rex didn't use too much electricity and kill me, though, so I had that to be thankful for.  Also, the Mario Machine ended up totally fixing my back.  I woke up the next morning completely pain free.  Cool!