Free Turkey

Rex and I were shopping at WinCo yesterday, enjoying our supply of low-priced grocery options, when I saw the following sign: "Happy Thanksgiving from WinCo!  Spend $100 and receive a FREE TURKEY!"  I gazed at the hastily scribbled grocery list that I clutched in my hand.  I did some quick mental math, and I realized that Rex and I had just over $100 in groceries to buy.  I pointed out the sign to Rex, and he got excited.  "Whoo hoo! A free turkey!"  he exclaimed.  He forgot the fact that I'm not his mother or his grandmother, and I can't just whip up a delicious Thanksgiving turkey at the drop of a hat.  I ducked into a nearby produce aisle and tried to call my mother-in-law for advice on what I should buy to cook this turkey, but she didn't answer.  Blast!  I went back to Rex and said, "I mean, we don't really NEED a turkey...maybe we don't have the freezer space..."  Rex gave me a look like I had just suggested we don't celebrate Christmas this year.  "Ummm...are you kidding me?!  It's a FREE TURKEY!  We HAVE to get it!"  Okay, I really can't argue with that.  How can I pass up a FREE turkey?  Since I'm horribly inept at cooking complicated recipes (of which a homemade turkey must top that list), I started contemplating what to do with our free bird carcass.  Here is what I came up with:

WHAT TO DO WHEN THE GROCERY STORE GIVES YOU A FREE FROZEN TURKEY

1.  Attempt to cook it - bad idea, as this could result in burning down your apartment.

2. Take it ice fishing - You can throw it onto the ice, and the weight of the frozen turkey will splash through and make the hole in the ice where you can then go fishing.

3. Give it to a homeless guy - This idea sounds good until you realize that it's actually kind of mean unless the next person to come along is going to give the homeless guy an oven.

4. Take it turkey hunting and use it as a decoy - Maybe the turkeys will come to investigate and/or grieve for their fallen brother.  Then - BANG! - you can shoot the turkey.  Except then you just end up with two dead turkeys.  Never mind.  Bad idea.

5. Use it as a murder weapon - It's the perfect crime.  You COOK the murder weapon after you use it to bludgeon someone to death, and then you EAT it.  No evidence.

6.  Videotape your dog trying to gnaw on the turkey that's bigger than him - Go win $10,000 on America's Funniest Home Videos

7.  Put it in your bed on hot nights - it will keep you cool.

8.  Put it in a bird cage and try to convince your fifth graders that it's alive - Ten bucks says I could actually convince some of them.

9.  Sit on it for that extra boost of height at the movie theater when an annoying tall guy is sitting in front of you - Bring a blanket to put over it, though, because otherwise your butt will get really cold.

10.  Throw it through a car window in a random act of vandalism - Mostly because I really want to see the police report that says, "Suspect is charged with throwing a frozen turkey through a window."


See?  The possibilities are endless.  Half of our freezer is now filled with this turkey, and I'm still not sure what we're going to do with it.  Maybe there is a choice #11 - fly your mother-in-law out to Vegas to cook the darn thing for you.  But then again, that would be so expensive that it would really defeat the purpose of getting the free turkey.

Curses, Winco.  Why are you making my life so complicated?!