Fake Coffee

Two things you should know about me:

1. I hate coffee
2. I love options

They are seemingly unrelated facts, but they'll both be important in a minute.  The first one is self-explanatory.  I don't like coffee.  I think it's gross, and it stains people's teeth brown.  Ew.  I do love the smell of coffee. I can get some of my best writing done when I settle down at a Starbucks or a Barnes and Noble cafe, but I don't actually want to taste it.

The second fact is that I love options.  I don't like being told what to do, and I don't like having things decided for me.  I'm always one to "keep my options open," and I usually try not to commit to something until the last possible second because I always want to consider everything else (the obvious exception here being my husband, since I got married when I was ridiculously young.  Whatever.  Rex is the best guy on earth, so I had to lock that down while I had the chance).  My parents have told me a zillion times that one of the first full sentences I learned to say was, "I can do it myself."

The other day Rex and I were over at his parents' house for a game night, and Rex offered to make coffee.  He asked who wanted to have some, and then he said, "but Christine won't have any because she hates coffee."  Um, ExCUSE me.  You cannot say whether I will or will not have coffee, Rex.  That choice is mine!  I want the option to turn it down myself!  So then I obviously said, "Actually, I'll have a cup, please," and then, a second later, "a half of a cup.  I'm not actually that thirsty."  Or I actually hate coffee.  You know, whichever.  But I'd already said I'd have some.  Rex looked at me like I was nuts.  "Seriously?" he asked.  "You seriously want coffee?"

There was no going back now.  "Yep," I said nonchalantly while shuffling some cards.  "Why not?  Coffee sounds good right now."  He looked at me as if I'd just sprouted antennae, but then he shrugged it off and went back to getting the coffee ready.  If there was a thought bubble over his head at that moment, I'm sure it would have said, "Women are completely nuts."

Rex brought over the cups of coffee, and we all started playing Phase 10.  Everyone enjoyed their coffee, and I considered drinking mine.  After all, I'd asked for it.  I did like the smell of it, so maybe the taste wouldn't be too bad.  I took a tentative sip that was probably equivalent to about 1/4 teaspoon.

Ew! Gross! What was this disgusting brown junk defiling my tongue?!  It was bitter and sharp and was probably burning my taste buds right out of my mouth.  I tried not to grimace and considered spitting the coffee back into the cup, but that seemed rude.   I swallowed the sip and decided not to ever try that again.  Suddenly, I had an epiphany.  The cup was only half full.  I didn't actually have to drink any of it.  I could just pretend!

I lifted the cup to my lips and tipped it backwards, but not far enough for any of the coffee to reach my mouth.  I pretended to drink and then put it back down.  "Ahhh..." I sighed.  "Nothing quite as good as a hot cup of Joe."  Rex looked at me, baffled, and I just played my cards.  Everyone else continued to enjoy their coffee and Phase 10, and I periodically took a "drink" of my coffee to look like I was fitting in.  I mean, it's not like someone was going to come measure to make sure the level of the coffee in the mug was going down.

I really thought I was getting away with it.  I was feeling pretty proud of myself for thinking of this brilliant plan.  After a particularly long sip, I put the mug down.  Rex leaned over and whispered in my ear, "It's really interesting how your lips are never wet after you take a drink of your coffee."  I stared at him, mouth agape, and he laughed.  I was so caught.  His family asked what was so funny, but we certainly weren't going to tell!  I offered to go get coffee refills, and I surreptitiously dumped the rest of my coffee down the drain when I went into the kitchen.  I felt kind of bad to waste it, but I would have felt a lot worse if I actually tried to drink it.

Next time I think I'll make it easier on myself and just back down if Rex tries to make my drink decision for me.  After all, the guy's been with me for eight years.  He knows me pretty well.  Maybe it's okay to let him nix my options when it comes to coffee.