Copiers and Octopi

It's like a bad joke: what does a copy machine and an octopus have in common?

Answer: they both spray you with ink in self-defense.

If I told that joke at a party, the people would laugh nervously and look at each other as if to say, "Ummm...I don't get it."  But if someone told ME that joke, I would laugh hysterically because I know how a copy machine reacts when it is threatened.

I'm sitting comfortably in my living room, sipping lemonade and celebrating being on summer vacation.  NOW this story is funny.  At the time, it was kind of stressful.

Ask any teacher about the last week of school, and they'll probably tell you that they don't remember much of it.  That's because it's a blur of final projects, graduation preparations, tearful goodbyes, grading, and cleaning.  It's busy.

It was the third-to-last day of school, and the other two junior high teachers were on a caving field trip with the eighth and ninth graders (perk of a small school - awesome field trips).  I was holding down the fort and getting ready to copy some tests for my sixth and seventh graders when it happened: the copier broke down.  Our junior high science teacher doubles as our tech support guy (downside of a small school: staff members do a bunch of different jobs), and he was gone.  I quickly assessed that this situation was very bad.  If I couldn't fix the copier, we were going to be without copies for three days until he got back.  That was obviously unacceptable.  I don't know how schools in the past functioned without copiers.

I had five minutes until class started: it was on.  Teacher vs Copier, season 1 (I would watch that show).

I punched random buttons on the error screen until the copier told me that it had no toner.  Ah ha!  No toner.  This should be easy to fix.

Except for what, exactly, is toner, and where do I get some?

The kindergarten teacher walked into the room, and she too was wildly dismayed by our deficient copier and the absence of our tech guy.  As all kindergarten teachers are, she was optimistic and upbeat, saying that we could probably find some toner in a cupboard somewhere and figure out how to install it.  She looked for the toner while I tried to find the toner area on the copier.  I opened the belly of the copier, and this is when the copier started feeling threatened.  I found a white box with some black stuff in it, and I asked, "is this the toner?"  The kindergarten teacher said yes, so I took it out.  Now the copier was really mad.  I peeked in a small hole in the top of the box, and I said, "it doesn't look like the toner is empty..."  I gave it a tentative shake to see if I could see toner swishing around (because I thought that maybe toner swishes).  I gave it a SMALL, TENTATIVE shake.  I promise you.  I wasn't waving it around in a toner frolic or anything, even though that's what it looked like I did.

The toner (still not sure what this is, exactly) made a small "poof" noise and exploded ALL OVER THE COPY ROOM.  It's a black powder that is inky and very difficult to clean, let me tell you.  I had toner all over me, on the copier, on the floor, on the wall....everywhere.  You win, copier.  Then the bell rang to start class.  Perfect.  The kindergarten teacher laughed sympathetically and hurried off to class (she wasn't standing next to me at the time of the explosion and therefore was clean), but I couldn't leave the room covered in copier debris.  I had to clean it up.

I poked my head into class and told the kids to get started on their math assignments.  One of them asked why I had black stuff in my hair...and on my arms..and on my skirt...  I told them there was a copier mishap, and I had to go handle it.  (I wanted to say, "there was a battle in the copy room, and I am a casualty," but that sounded a bit dramatic).  They offered to help, and I said the best way they could help would be to work quietly while I handled the situation.  They (mostly) did that, which bought me about ten minutes to try to clean up the mess.

Even with ten minutes, I couldn't get much cleaned up.  Toner mostly just smears around and makes everything inky.  I was grateful that our janitor was gone for the day, because I was pretty sure he would murder me if he saw the state of the copy room.  I finally gave up and went back to class.  One of the other staff members called our office supply company and asked if they could send a tech out to fix our copier.  He said he'd be there by noon.

When the tech guy arrived, he popped his head into my classroom.
Techie: Hey there, are you sure there weren't two toner cartridges dropped in that room?
Me: Yes, I'm quite sure it was only the one.
Techie:  Wow.  That was the worst toner spill I've ever seen.
Me: Yeah... (not sure how to respond to this.  I'm ashamed and also a little proud).
Techie:  Whoever tried to fix that toner cartridge, it would probably be better if they didn't ever try to fix the copy machine ever again.
Me: Yep, I totally agree with you.  Never again.
Techie:  I mean, it was really bad.
Me: Yep.
Techie:  Don't worry - I know it wasn't you who did it.  You're nice and clean.
Me: Actually...it was me.  I looked pretty bad around 8 AM.
Techie: Really?  Oh.  Sorry... (he looks really embarrassed, but I don't think he needs to be.  I know I'm the copier klutz).
Me:  No really, it's okay.  I know it was quite the spill.  Thanks for cleaning it and fixing our copier!  You totally saved the day!
Techie:  No prob.  (hustles out of the awkward situation).

So it was a crazy morning, but the sixth hour test was still given as scheduled!  All's well that ends well.  I bet there's still toner lurking in some of the corners of that room - my legacy at my school.