If you are not related to me...or more specifically to Rex...than I don't know how much sense this post will make. Still, this is MY blog so I will write what I WANT! HA!
Rex's youngest brother told me that he might go to Michigan State to become a teacher because, after reading all of my blog posts, being a teacher sounds fun (duh!). I thought he was kidding at first, but Rex says that he's actually serious. So obviously I am beaming with pride. And he would be a FABULOUS teacher, so I'm pumped for his future students.
I made the comment to Rex, "What if Jake and I work at the same school someday? That would be weird...we'd be Mr. Webb and Mrs. Webb, but we're not married. Odd." To which Rex said, "You should make your own school - The Webb Institute!" I told him that a school of only language arts (my subject) and social studies (Jake's subject) would not be a very good school. Rex said that obviously the Webb Institute would need some more teachers, but they would all have to have the last name "Webb." Here's what we came up with for our students. I think they'll have a wide variety of choices and get a very good education:
Class 1: Language Arts with Christine Webb
Class 2: Social Studies with Jacob Webb
Class 3: "Back in the Day and Country Living" with Grandpa Webb
Class 4: Art with Grandma Webb
Class 5: "Sales, Sarcasm, and General Intimidation" with Rex (Dad) Webb
Class 6: Home Economics with Patricia Webb
Class 7: Gym with Thomas Webb
Class 8: "Science - but only the interesting stuff" with Rex (hunky husband) Webb
We obviously still need a math class, and Michelle can't be included since she's going to get married and change her name someday and become a non-Webb (boo). So we are offering...
Class 9: Math with Elvis Webb (Lesson 1: How many hot dogs can I eat before class is over? Let's count...)
It's going to be a really fabulous school. Start buying stock now (can you buy stock in a school? Hmmm...)
Monday, September 19, 2011
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Wake Me Up When September Ends
September is sort of a blur for teachers. It's tricky trying to learn the names of everyone in all four of the middle school homerooms, learn about how they learn best, and cater lessons to each one of them. I get home at 5 and have to be in bed between 9 and 10 so that I can get up at 5:45 to do the whole thing over again. I feel like I'm always tired and, even worse, I have been NEGLECTING THIS BLOG! So sorry about that. Hopefully things will settle down a bit after the first few weeks. I have so many teacher stories, but since I haven't been blogging them I have forgotten a bunch of them! BLAST! I'll try to remember as many as I can, though...names are changed...here we go:
1. A third grader came in with a birthday treat (kids always give birthday treats to all of the teachers). I accepted my cupcake with thanks, and she exclaimed, "Ewwww - what's THAT!?" *pointing at the rats* I told her that the animals in the cage are rats, and she said, "That's DISGUSTING!" An outcry arose from my class. They LOVE the rats. One student even yelled, "HEY - those rats are our FAMILY! We LOVE them!" I love the rodent loyalty.
2. Sarah said, "Hey, Mrs. Webb, don't you think I'd look SO CUTE as a pregnant girl?" No, Sarah. I don't. You're thirteen. Try me again in twenty years.
3. Deven asked me, "Mrs. Webb, do we have Labor Day off to celebrate all of the new babies?" I was confused. He explained, "Well, Labor Day...isn't that the day when all of the pregnant women go into labor? And so we have the day off to celebrate all of the new babies?" Not quite...
4. Justin Bieber got into a car accident last week, and I thought the world was going to stop spinning. My eighth graders were talking about it, and one of the girls said, "DON'T PANIC. I heard on the news - his face is FINE." I'm so glad they are concerned with his overall well-being.
5. One of my students is going to be in a wedding next weekend. He proudly came up to me and said, "Mrs. Webb, I'm in a WEDDING! I'm the groomer!" I'm pretty sure he meant "groomsman," but "groomer" made me picture a wedding full of dogs that needs an on-hand groomer, and that made me laugh.
6. I 99% love my job. The other 1% comes on moments like today, when one of my kids said, "Ahhhh! A SCORPION! *stomp* I went over to investigate, and sure enough - there was a squashed scorpion on my floor. EWWWWWWW! That never happened in Michigan. Freaky!
7. We are studying fantasy stories in sixth grade. Today we had a debate on whether or not dragons are real. I said, "I hate to bust up everyone's fun, but I have to tell you the truth: dragons are not real." *general chaos* One of my students piped up, "Sort of like Santa?" to which I replied, "No WAY! Santa is SO real! Only dragons are fake." Ha ha!
8. In seventh grade we're studying historical fiction, and we're reading Fever, 1793. It's about an outbreak of yellow fever in Philidelphia. I asked the students to brainstorm what they would do if they were alive during this time, and one of them said, "I would go find a rainforest." Why? "I'm pretty sure cures grow in the rainforest. There's always those witch doctors getting them from there." Please, someone point me towards a "cure tree." I would be RICH.
9. A teacher told Rob to stop sitting alone on the muddy rocks at recess. He looked completely offended and exclaimed, "but can't you SEE?! I'm becoming one with the EARTH!" I live near the west coast...there are a lot of hippies out here, and I guess they start pretty young.
10. Matt came in and said, "Happy Birthday, Mrs. Webb!" He gave me this BIZARRE looking tropical plant as a birthday gift. It was really nice of him, and I didn't really have the heart to tell him that my birthday isn't until February. So a bunch of students told me happy birthday. They're going to be super confused when February 2 rolls around.
11. Levi came up and said, "Mrs. Webb, what would you do with $50?" I said I didn't know, why? He said, "I won my boy scouts fundraiser, and I got a $100 cash prize! I wanted to spend half of it on you because you're so awesome." I told him that he should spend the money on himself because he earned it, and he said, "Fine. I will buy a couple of legos. But, then - don't you worry - I will get you something COOL." Who knows whether or not he actually will, but it was a cute gesture.
12. We're studying the holocaust because of some literature that we're reading in 8th grade, and one of my girls said, "I think the holocaust was cool. I kind of have a crush on Adolf Hitler." Not knowing what to do with that, I just said, "Well, he's dead. So that crush isn't going to work out for you." What a CREEPER.
13. A student came up to me looking very upset and worried. He said, "I just thought you should know...John and Bill are talking about...you know...that S-E-X word." I think he expected me to faint out of shock.
14. At lunch, someone left their sandwich on the table. I said, "How can someone leave their sandwich?! That's the main part!" Emma whispered in a scandalized tone, "Lots of people just skip the main part of their lunch and eat the goodies. It's so WRONG!" Ha ha...unhealthy? Yes. "WRONG"? Debateable.
15. I told my students that my library is sort of lacking, and that if anyone had old books at their house I would really appreciate donations to share with the class. I said that on Monday, and today is Thursday. In that time, I've had about 150 books donated! My library is STUFFED. The donations included 2 hardcover sets of the Harry Potter books, a hardcover set of the Diary of a Wimpy Kid books, and a bunch of other middle school favorites! I was so thankful that I almost started crying in class when I told them how grateful I was, and that just inspired them to bring MORE books. I swear, I have the BEST kids.
1. A third grader came in with a birthday treat (kids always give birthday treats to all of the teachers). I accepted my cupcake with thanks, and she exclaimed, "Ewwww - what's THAT!?" *pointing at the rats* I told her that the animals in the cage are rats, and she said, "That's DISGUSTING!" An outcry arose from my class. They LOVE the rats. One student even yelled, "HEY - those rats are our FAMILY! We LOVE them!" I love the rodent loyalty.
2. Sarah said, "Hey, Mrs. Webb, don't you think I'd look SO CUTE as a pregnant girl?" No, Sarah. I don't. You're thirteen. Try me again in twenty years.
3. Deven asked me, "Mrs. Webb, do we have Labor Day off to celebrate all of the new babies?" I was confused. He explained, "Well, Labor Day...isn't that the day when all of the pregnant women go into labor? And so we have the day off to celebrate all of the new babies?" Not quite...
4. Justin Bieber got into a car accident last week, and I thought the world was going to stop spinning. My eighth graders were talking about it, and one of the girls said, "DON'T PANIC. I heard on the news - his face is FINE." I'm so glad they are concerned with his overall well-being.
5. One of my students is going to be in a wedding next weekend. He proudly came up to me and said, "Mrs. Webb, I'm in a WEDDING! I'm the groomer!" I'm pretty sure he meant "groomsman," but "groomer" made me picture a wedding full of dogs that needs an on-hand groomer, and that made me laugh.
6. I 99% love my job. The other 1% comes on moments like today, when one of my kids said, "Ahhhh! A SCORPION! *stomp* I went over to investigate, and sure enough - there was a squashed scorpion on my floor. EWWWWWWW! That never happened in Michigan. Freaky!
7. We are studying fantasy stories in sixth grade. Today we had a debate on whether or not dragons are real. I said, "I hate to bust up everyone's fun, but I have to tell you the truth: dragons are not real." *general chaos* One of my students piped up, "Sort of like Santa?" to which I replied, "No WAY! Santa is SO real! Only dragons are fake." Ha ha!
8. In seventh grade we're studying historical fiction, and we're reading Fever, 1793. It's about an outbreak of yellow fever in Philidelphia. I asked the students to brainstorm what they would do if they were alive during this time, and one of them said, "I would go find a rainforest." Why? "I'm pretty sure cures grow in the rainforest. There's always those witch doctors getting them from there." Please, someone point me towards a "cure tree." I would be RICH.
9. A teacher told Rob to stop sitting alone on the muddy rocks at recess. He looked completely offended and exclaimed, "but can't you SEE?! I'm becoming one with the EARTH!" I live near the west coast...there are a lot of hippies out here, and I guess they start pretty young.
10. Matt came in and said, "Happy Birthday, Mrs. Webb!" He gave me this BIZARRE looking tropical plant as a birthday gift. It was really nice of him, and I didn't really have the heart to tell him that my birthday isn't until February. So a bunch of students told me happy birthday. They're going to be super confused when February 2 rolls around.
11. Levi came up and said, "Mrs. Webb, what would you do with $50?" I said I didn't know, why? He said, "I won my boy scouts fundraiser, and I got a $100 cash prize! I wanted to spend half of it on you because you're so awesome." I told him that he should spend the money on himself because he earned it, and he said, "Fine. I will buy a couple of legos. But, then - don't you worry - I will get you something COOL." Who knows whether or not he actually will, but it was a cute gesture.
12. We're studying the holocaust because of some literature that we're reading in 8th grade, and one of my girls said, "I think the holocaust was cool. I kind of have a crush on Adolf Hitler." Not knowing what to do with that, I just said, "Well, he's dead. So that crush isn't going to work out for you." What a CREEPER.
13. A student came up to me looking very upset and worried. He said, "I just thought you should know...John and Bill are talking about...you know...that S-E-X word." I think he expected me to faint out of shock.
14. At lunch, someone left their sandwich on the table. I said, "How can someone leave their sandwich?! That's the main part!" Emma whispered in a scandalized tone, "Lots of people just skip the main part of their lunch and eat the goodies. It's so WRONG!" Ha ha...unhealthy? Yes. "WRONG"? Debateable.
15. I told my students that my library is sort of lacking, and that if anyone had old books at their house I would really appreciate donations to share with the class. I said that on Monday, and today is Thursday. In that time, I've had about 150 books donated! My library is STUFFED. The donations included 2 hardcover sets of the Harry Potter books, a hardcover set of the Diary of a Wimpy Kid books, and a bunch of other middle school favorites! I was so thankful that I almost started crying in class when I told them how grateful I was, and that just inspired them to bring MORE books. I swear, I have the BEST kids.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Oh Crap...Wait, What?!
Let me begin by telling you that my principal NEVER comes into the classroom to talk to teachers. She's working on a charter to add a high school to our current K-8 school, and she is BUSYBUSYBUSY all the time. So when she came in and said, "Christine, can I please talk to you for a minute? I have to ask you something serious." I understandably became VERY nervous. Her intro wasn't very encouraging either:
"First of all, before I say anything else, I want you to know that I really value you as a teacher."
What did I do?! I wracked my brain to try to think of why she was talking to me. Did I get a parent complaint? Were my lesson plans not thorough enough? Was I dressed inappropriately? Did I do something a little too extreme? I thought guiltily about my "Motif Rap" from yesterday...did she find out about that? Was there something wrong with educational rapping at this school?
I tried to think of anything that I could be in trouble for, but I really didn't know. So I just gulped and said, "Yes, thank you. I appreciate that. I really enjoy working here" while secretly thinking *pleasedon'tfiremepleasedon'tfiremepleasedon'tfireme.*
She continued on. "A lot of new teachers get curious about the district (there is only ONE school district in Las Vegas). Clark County controls a lot around here. I know they have a lot to offer, but I would really hope that if you were thinking about leaving our school you would talk to me about it well before you decide to go."
I wanted to laugh out loud from relief and disbelief. She thought I wanted to LEAVE? BAHAHAHAHAHA! That's the funniest thing I've ever heard! I LOVE this job! It's my DREAM JOB. Trying to find a balance between showing her I was serious without being a suck-up, I said, "No, Connie, I REALLY love this job. I was just talking to my husband last night about the fact that I can see myself working here as long as we stay living in Nevada (I really was, too). I've heard horror stories about the district. I promise that I have no intention of leaving in the foreseeable future. I love it here."
She sighed a sigh of relief. "I can't tell you how good it is to hear that. When I stumble across a teacher like you I always get scared that they're going to leave because lots of other places want them. I think you're really great, though, and I can tell that you're one of the best. Your work is exceptional. That's why I was hoping that you might be willing to go with a me and a handful of other teachers to a conference in Orlando?"
I thought I needed to clean out my ears. WHAT?! Two seconds ago I thought I was in trouble, and now I'm going to FLORIDA? She looked as if she was asking a huge favor of me, and I'm sure I looked really confused.
"Ummm...yes? I would be willing to go?"
She said that she would really appreciate it, as it must be difficult for me to give up a weekend and a couple days of school. Only one other middle school teacher was asked to go. But it would obviously be all expenses paid, and she would really appreciate if I would be willing to attend the conference so I could help lead a professional development at the school. She said that I have the kind of brain that "soaks up things," and she wants to bring teachers who are going to remember the conference's content.
I'm sorry, you're asking if I'm "willing" to go on a free trip to Florida? Yes, I suppose I will sacrifice.
So I guess I'm not getting fired? Phew!
"First of all, before I say anything else, I want you to know that I really value you as a teacher."
What did I do?! I wracked my brain to try to think of why she was talking to me. Did I get a parent complaint? Were my lesson plans not thorough enough? Was I dressed inappropriately? Did I do something a little too extreme? I thought guiltily about my "Motif Rap" from yesterday...did she find out about that? Was there something wrong with educational rapping at this school?
I tried to think of anything that I could be in trouble for, but I really didn't know. So I just gulped and said, "Yes, thank you. I appreciate that. I really enjoy working here" while secretly thinking *pleasedon'tfiremepleasedon'tfiremepleasedon'tfireme.*
She continued on. "A lot of new teachers get curious about the district (there is only ONE school district in Las Vegas). Clark County controls a lot around here. I know they have a lot to offer, but I would really hope that if you were thinking about leaving our school you would talk to me about it well before you decide to go."
I wanted to laugh out loud from relief and disbelief. She thought I wanted to LEAVE? BAHAHAHAHAHA! That's the funniest thing I've ever heard! I LOVE this job! It's my DREAM JOB. Trying to find a balance between showing her I was serious without being a suck-up, I said, "No, Connie, I REALLY love this job. I was just talking to my husband last night about the fact that I can see myself working here as long as we stay living in Nevada (I really was, too). I've heard horror stories about the district. I promise that I have no intention of leaving in the foreseeable future. I love it here."
She sighed a sigh of relief. "I can't tell you how good it is to hear that. When I stumble across a teacher like you I always get scared that they're going to leave because lots of other places want them. I think you're really great, though, and I can tell that you're one of the best. Your work is exceptional. That's why I was hoping that you might be willing to go with a me and a handful of other teachers to a conference in Orlando?"
I thought I needed to clean out my ears. WHAT?! Two seconds ago I thought I was in trouble, and now I'm going to FLORIDA? She looked as if she was asking a huge favor of me, and I'm sure I looked really confused.
"Ummm...yes? I would be willing to go?"
She said that she would really appreciate it, as it must be difficult for me to give up a weekend and a couple days of school. Only one other middle school teacher was asked to go. But it would obviously be all expenses paid, and she would really appreciate if I would be willing to attend the conference so I could help lead a professional development at the school. She said that I have the kind of brain that "soaks up things," and she wants to bring teachers who are going to remember the conference's content.
I'm sorry, you're asking if I'm "willing" to go on a free trip to Florida? Yes, I suppose I will sacrifice.
So I guess I'm not getting fired? Phew!
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Bathroom Battle
Because it is the weekend, I have a bit of extra time to blog! Therefore I will tell you about the epic battle that took place in my bathroom this morning.
It all started because Rex and I were running late for church. We were in the bathroom at the same time, jostling around to try to get our teeth brushed and hair combed as quickly as possible. Rex did something annoying (who remembers what it was now?), and in response I took my toothbrush out of my mouth and smeared it on his face. He was left with a foamy white streak down the side of his cheek.
He responded with, "Oh it is so ON!", quickly grabbed his toothbrush and armed it with a particularly large blob of toothpaste. Realizing that I just started a battle that I didn't know if I could win, I tried to knock the toothbrush out of his hand. It didn't work, and he stuck it in his mouth. He took it out of his mouth and tried to smear the toothpaste on me, but I ducked. In ducking, I lost my balance and tried to grab onto the towel to keep me from hitting the floor. Instead of stabilizing myself, I pulled the towel rod OFF OF THE WALL. It clattered down on top of me.
Showing no mercy, Rex was still coming after me with the slimy toothbrush. I grabbed the towel rod and started using it like a sword, swinging it around in self defense. Rex knew he couldn't get to me without being smashed in the head, so he decided to try a different route. He pulled my perfectly clean church jacket off of the counter and started toward it with the spitty toothbrush. In order to save my jacket, I smashed the jacket with my towel-rod-sword to free it from his clutches. Unfortunately, I hit it a little too hard because it flew threw the air and landed with a sickening "plunk" right in the cat's dirty water bowl! And I mean, that water was DIRTY - brown from all of the food that the cat had accidentally dropped in her water. And my jacket is (was) white! AHHHHHHHHH!
Rex laughed at my horror and ran to the kitchen to put more water on his toothbrush (I was guarding the bathroom sink with my sword). I quickly shut the door and locked it, glad to be safe from the spit. Rex tried to jostle the door open, but I just laughed. He wouldn't be able to get through the modern high-quality locks of our Vegas apartment! I started planning how I could live out the rest of my life in the bathroom. I could drink water from the sink...eat some catfood...is lipstick edible? As I was contemplating these things, Rex PICKED THE LOCK and busted into the bathroom! I screamed as if he were coming at me with a chainsaw instead of a soggy toothbrush (I can only imagine what our neighbors were thinking). Rex backed me into the bathtub and I tried to escape, but as I tried to dash by him I got a big glob of slobbery toothpaste on my arm. EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW!
I guess it was my fault for starting it.
The real lesson to learn here is this: wake up early enough that you do not have to share the bathroom with your spouse.
It all started because Rex and I were running late for church. We were in the bathroom at the same time, jostling around to try to get our teeth brushed and hair combed as quickly as possible. Rex did something annoying (who remembers what it was now?), and in response I took my toothbrush out of my mouth and smeared it on his face. He was left with a foamy white streak down the side of his cheek.
He responded with, "Oh it is so ON!", quickly grabbed his toothbrush and armed it with a particularly large blob of toothpaste. Realizing that I just started a battle that I didn't know if I could win, I tried to knock the toothbrush out of his hand. It didn't work, and he stuck it in his mouth. He took it out of his mouth and tried to smear the toothpaste on me, but I ducked. In ducking, I lost my balance and tried to grab onto the towel to keep me from hitting the floor. Instead of stabilizing myself, I pulled the towel rod OFF OF THE WALL. It clattered down on top of me.
Showing no mercy, Rex was still coming after me with the slimy toothbrush. I grabbed the towel rod and started using it like a sword, swinging it around in self defense. Rex knew he couldn't get to me without being smashed in the head, so he decided to try a different route. He pulled my perfectly clean church jacket off of the counter and started toward it with the spitty toothbrush. In order to save my jacket, I smashed the jacket with my towel-rod-sword to free it from his clutches. Unfortunately, I hit it a little too hard because it flew threw the air and landed with a sickening "plunk" right in the cat's dirty water bowl! And I mean, that water was DIRTY - brown from all of the food that the cat had accidentally dropped in her water. And my jacket is (was) white! AHHHHHHHHH!
Rex laughed at my horror and ran to the kitchen to put more water on his toothbrush (I was guarding the bathroom sink with my sword). I quickly shut the door and locked it, glad to be safe from the spit. Rex tried to jostle the door open, but I just laughed. He wouldn't be able to get through the modern high-quality locks of our Vegas apartment! I started planning how I could live out the rest of my life in the bathroom. I could drink water from the sink...eat some catfood...is lipstick edible? As I was contemplating these things, Rex PICKED THE LOCK and busted into the bathroom! I screamed as if he were coming at me with a chainsaw instead of a soggy toothbrush (I can only imagine what our neighbors were thinking). Rex backed me into the bathtub and I tried to escape, but as I tried to dash by him I got a big glob of slobbery toothpaste on my arm. EEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW!
I guess it was my fault for starting it.
The real lesson to learn here is this: wake up early enough that you do not have to share the bathroom with your spouse.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Nail Polish Nazi
Today I had what was probably the best and worst manicure of my life.
It was the best manicure because I got to go with my friend Jessica, and it's SO FUN to have a girl friend to actually hang out with IN THE FLESH. I love all of my long-distance friends, but it's nice to actually talk to a girl IN PERSON. Especially one who likes to talk about weddings and girly things. :-)
We decided to go to the mall and get manicures and pedicures in order to look all pretty for my party tonight (It starts in an hour and a half! I'm so excited!). I'm also celebrating the fact that I finished by first week of school, and now that I have a full time job I can actually AFFORD luxuries like manicures and pedicures! Seriously, I feel SO rich. And I'm only a teacher. Ha ha! Oh, well. I'm just thankful to have an income.
Anyway, our pedicures were super fun because we were in side-by-side chairs and got to chat the whole time. We both got cute flower designs painted on our toes - with jewels! - and they look fabulous. I should have known the manicure was going to go badly when I complimented the lady who did my toes, saying, "Wow! That looks amazing! Thank you!" and she GLARED at me and didn't say anything. It was as if "Wow! That looks amazing! Thank you!" means something really offensive in her native language. I was just trying to be nice!
So this lady takes me over to a table for my manicure. I asked if I could get a different color on my fingernails than I did on my toenails because I wanted a more "professional" color on my fingers (my toes are bright pink). She said, "NO! I file your nails now." Startled, I said okay. As she was filing, I said, "Could I please have oval shaped nails?" For some reason corners on my nails really bother me. Instead of filing my fingernails to ovals, though, she said, "NO! Ovals are too old for you. You young - I do squares." Umm...okay. I guess squares are fine too. After giving me the shortest hand massage in the history of the world (I'm not exaggerating - she didn't even spread all of the lotion around), she told me to go wash my hands. Because I can be quite cheeky when I'm annoyed, I said, "Okay but since I'm already getting up to wash my hands, could I please choose a different nail polish color?" She said, "NO! I said wash hands!" I tried to bargain. "Okay, I'll wash my hands first, but THEN can I pick a new color?" She gave up, sighed dejectedly, and said, "FINE." Triumphant, I washed my hands and picked my new color. When I came back, she said that I should pay so that I wouldn't have to get into my wallet with freshly painted nails. I mean, I'm pretty sure that's why. All she said to me was, "YOU PAY NOW!" and gave me a nasty scowl as if I were about to try to pay her with banana peels or something. I gave her my credit card, and she went to go charge the purchase. I asked if I could include a tip in the charge, and she scowled again and said, "NO!" Umm...okay. I guess she preferred a cash tip (I know they CAN take tips electronically because Jessica tipped her girl that way). I only had a dollar in cash, though, so I figured to give her only one dollar would probably be offensive so I ended up giving her nothing. I mean, I TRIED to give her a tip! But she was kind of evil anyway so I probably don't feel as badly as I should.
It was the best manicure because I got to go with my friend Jessica, and it's SO FUN to have a girl friend to actually hang out with IN THE FLESH. I love all of my long-distance friends, but it's nice to actually talk to a girl IN PERSON. Especially one who likes to talk about weddings and girly things. :-)
We decided to go to the mall and get manicures and pedicures in order to look all pretty for my party tonight (It starts in an hour and a half! I'm so excited!). I'm also celebrating the fact that I finished by first week of school, and now that I have a full time job I can actually AFFORD luxuries like manicures and pedicures! Seriously, I feel SO rich. And I'm only a teacher. Ha ha! Oh, well. I'm just thankful to have an income.
Anyway, our pedicures were super fun because we were in side-by-side chairs and got to chat the whole time. We both got cute flower designs painted on our toes - with jewels! - and they look fabulous. I should have known the manicure was going to go badly when I complimented the lady who did my toes, saying, "Wow! That looks amazing! Thank you!" and she GLARED at me and didn't say anything. It was as if "Wow! That looks amazing! Thank you!" means something really offensive in her native language. I was just trying to be nice!
So this lady takes me over to a table for my manicure. I asked if I could get a different color on my fingernails than I did on my toenails because I wanted a more "professional" color on my fingers (my toes are bright pink). She said, "NO! I file your nails now." Startled, I said okay. As she was filing, I said, "Could I please have oval shaped nails?" For some reason corners on my nails really bother me. Instead of filing my fingernails to ovals, though, she said, "NO! Ovals are too old for you. You young - I do squares." Umm...okay. I guess squares are fine too. After giving me the shortest hand massage in the history of the world (I'm not exaggerating - she didn't even spread all of the lotion around), she told me to go wash my hands. Because I can be quite cheeky when I'm annoyed, I said, "Okay but since I'm already getting up to wash my hands, could I please choose a different nail polish color?" She said, "NO! I said wash hands!" I tried to bargain. "Okay, I'll wash my hands first, but THEN can I pick a new color?" She gave up, sighed dejectedly, and said, "FINE." Triumphant, I washed my hands and picked my new color. When I came back, she said that I should pay so that I wouldn't have to get into my wallet with freshly painted nails. I mean, I'm pretty sure that's why. All she said to me was, "YOU PAY NOW!" and gave me a nasty scowl as if I were about to try to pay her with banana peels or something. I gave her my credit card, and she went to go charge the purchase. I asked if I could include a tip in the charge, and she scowled again and said, "NO!" Umm...okay. I guess she preferred a cash tip (I know they CAN take tips electronically because Jessica tipped her girl that way). I only had a dollar in cash, though, so I figured to give her only one dollar would probably be offensive so I ended up giving her nothing. I mean, I TRIED to give her a tip! But she was kind of evil anyway so I probably don't feel as badly as I should.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
I Get PAID for This!
It's what you've all been waiting for!! (well, what I've been waiting for). The first batch of teacher stories from the 2011-2012 school year! HOORAY!
I am SO HAPPY to have a full-time job teaching middle school language arts - exactly what I wanted to do! Even if I wasn't totally ecstatic, I would have gotten excited when Rex woke me up on the first day of school with breakfast in bed (scrambled eggs and gluten-free muffins!), 18 multicolored roses, and a musical rendition of "Happy First Day of School to You." The day could not have started off any better. He got up at 5:30 to get everything ready! But you didn't decide to read this post to hear me brag about my husband, did you? I didn't think so. I will move on to the main event.
Here it is, folks, the first batch of teacher stories from my FANCY NEW job!!! As always, names have been changed. :-)
1. Today Danny and Kalli were arguing over which word is used to convey "economic hard times" - recession or reception? They came to me to discover which one was correct. I told them that the correct term is "recession," because a "reception" is a big party which usually happens after weddings. Danny said, "Ohhhhh!" as if he had suddenly realized something. I waited for an explanation, and he said, "That makes SO much more sense! When my mom married my stepdad, she said, 'Now it's time for the reception,' and I thought she meant that we were going to be poor because she spent all of the money on the wedding. But she was really just talking about the party!"
2. When giving an introduction presentation, Alison said, "My favorite place to be is Hawaii because it's cold there." I thought I had heard her wrong, but no one else in the class seemed to think that was weird. Then I remembered that it is 115 degrees outside, so Hawaii WOULD seem cold to a Vegas native. Ha!
3. Still on the subject of introduction presentations, Ollie said, "It is a little known fact, but I am actually one of Santa's elves." Jason said, "A fun fact about me is that I always seem to step in gum. Like, every day."
4. Someone was trying to draw a picture of Michigan, and they said, "Hey, Mrs. Webb, have you ever noticed that Michigan looks kind of like a mitten?" I said that yes, I have noticed that before. I showed them how people from Michigan use their hand to show which city they live in, and another student said, "Whoa! People really DO that? I thought it was just a rumor!" I'm not sure why anyone would make up a rumor about that, but okay.
5. As a lot of you know, I keep two rats as classroom pets. At recess time, many students try to sneak back into the building to take advantage of the air conditioning. I periodically check my classroom when I'm on recess duty to make sure no one has tried to get back in there. One day I walked in and there was a girl watching my rats. She looked up and saw that she had been caught, and she knew she was supposed to be outside. Instead of coming up with some sort of excuse as to why she was there, she just arranged her face into an expression of shock and said, "WHOA! Where AM I??!!" and then ran outside. HAHAHAHAHAHA!
6. The students really hate being outside in the hot weather (understandable - it's SO HOT!). I told one of my biracial students that he had to stay outside, and he said, "No! Mrs. Webb! It's too hot out!" I told him that if everyone else could do it, he could too. He responded with, "No fair! Right now I'm only half black, but if I stand outside much longer I'm going to be 100% black and it will be ALL YOUR FAULT!" I told him I could handle the guilt.
7. We have African pen pals, so on the day that I told the students about it we did a little research on the country where our pen pals are from (Sierra Leone). They asked me what language they speak in Sierra Leone, and I told them that many people speak English as well as different regional languages. They didn't understand the idea of "regional languages," so I explained that it would be as if every state in the United States had its own language. Billy raised his hand and said, "I know what Nevada's language would be! It would be, 'Chink...chink...DING DING DING DING DING DING DING!!!'" (general casino noises). It was hilarious, but he's probably right.
My job is awesome - it's like getting paid to go to a comedy club each day. I keep a notepad in my desk, and when students do funny things I jot them down to write in my blog later. After just this first week, I had SEVENTEEN things written down! I chose the best seven for this blog, but that should tell you how funny my students are. You should be a teacher.
I am SO HAPPY to have a full-time job teaching middle school language arts - exactly what I wanted to do! Even if I wasn't totally ecstatic, I would have gotten excited when Rex woke me up on the first day of school with breakfast in bed (scrambled eggs and gluten-free muffins!), 18 multicolored roses, and a musical rendition of "Happy First Day of School to You." The day could not have started off any better. He got up at 5:30 to get everything ready! But you didn't decide to read this post to hear me brag about my husband, did you? I didn't think so. I will move on to the main event.
Here it is, folks, the first batch of teacher stories from my FANCY NEW job!!! As always, names have been changed. :-)
1. Today Danny and Kalli were arguing over which word is used to convey "economic hard times" - recession or reception? They came to me to discover which one was correct. I told them that the correct term is "recession," because a "reception" is a big party which usually happens after weddings. Danny said, "Ohhhhh!" as if he had suddenly realized something. I waited for an explanation, and he said, "That makes SO much more sense! When my mom married my stepdad, she said, 'Now it's time for the reception,' and I thought she meant that we were going to be poor because she spent all of the money on the wedding. But she was really just talking about the party!"
2. When giving an introduction presentation, Alison said, "My favorite place to be is Hawaii because it's cold there." I thought I had heard her wrong, but no one else in the class seemed to think that was weird. Then I remembered that it is 115 degrees outside, so Hawaii WOULD seem cold to a Vegas native. Ha!
3. Still on the subject of introduction presentations, Ollie said, "It is a little known fact, but I am actually one of Santa's elves." Jason said, "A fun fact about me is that I always seem to step in gum. Like, every day."
4. Someone was trying to draw a picture of Michigan, and they said, "Hey, Mrs. Webb, have you ever noticed that Michigan looks kind of like a mitten?" I said that yes, I have noticed that before. I showed them how people from Michigan use their hand to show which city they live in, and another student said, "Whoa! People really DO that? I thought it was just a rumor!" I'm not sure why anyone would make up a rumor about that, but okay.
5. As a lot of you know, I keep two rats as classroom pets. At recess time, many students try to sneak back into the building to take advantage of the air conditioning. I periodically check my classroom when I'm on recess duty to make sure no one has tried to get back in there. One day I walked in and there was a girl watching my rats. She looked up and saw that she had been caught, and she knew she was supposed to be outside. Instead of coming up with some sort of excuse as to why she was there, she just arranged her face into an expression of shock and said, "WHOA! Where AM I??!!" and then ran outside. HAHAHAHAHAHA!
6. The students really hate being outside in the hot weather (understandable - it's SO HOT!). I told one of my biracial students that he had to stay outside, and he said, "No! Mrs. Webb! It's too hot out!" I told him that if everyone else could do it, he could too. He responded with, "No fair! Right now I'm only half black, but if I stand outside much longer I'm going to be 100% black and it will be ALL YOUR FAULT!" I told him I could handle the guilt.
7. We have African pen pals, so on the day that I told the students about it we did a little research on the country where our pen pals are from (Sierra Leone). They asked me what language they speak in Sierra Leone, and I told them that many people speak English as well as different regional languages. They didn't understand the idea of "regional languages," so I explained that it would be as if every state in the United States had its own language. Billy raised his hand and said, "I know what Nevada's language would be! It would be, 'Chink...chink...DING DING DING DING DING DING DING!!!'" (general casino noises). It was hilarious, but he's probably right.
My job is awesome - it's like getting paid to go to a comedy club each day. I keep a notepad in my desk, and when students do funny things I jot them down to write in my blog later. After just this first week, I had SEVENTEEN things written down! I chose the best seven for this blog, but that should tell you how funny my students are. You should be a teacher.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Food Network
I have decided that I want to have my own show on the Food Network. I DESERVE it. I am always trying out new recipes, and I think viewers could learn a lot from me! The thing is, I think the show would have to be a comedy show. It's perfect because the Food Network does not currently have a comedy show, so I could fill that niche!
Even though I like to try new recipes, more often than not I fail at them. Tonight is a perfect example. I'm trying this new "gluten free eating" thing, but I really wanted some pasta. I found a recipe for homemade gluten-free pasta, and I decided to attempt it. I should have known better than to try something when I hadn't even heard of half of the ingredients (xanthan gum? tapioca starch?). Still, I pictured myself making fabulous pasta and preparing all sorts of fantastic gluten-free recipes. They would call me "The Girl who Makes Gluten-Free Pasta."
Okay - no one is going to call me that. Rex got home from studying and found me near tears trying to wash sticky gunk off of my hands. When asked what was wrong, I sniffed, "I can't cook anything! I can't even make pasta! What is my problem?!" He tried to reassure me, saying that it can't possibly be that bad. I pointed to the pile of goo sitting on my cutting board. He eyed it thoughtfully and finally came up with, "Um, are you sure you followed all of the directions exactly right?" I couldn't help but laugh - he always thinks of something nice to say, and that's the best he could come up with! I told him that OF COURSE I followed all of the directions exactly (I mean, mostly), but for some reason it just didn't work! He asked why I hadn't rolled out the dough with a rolling pin like the directions said, and I told him that we didn't HAVE a rolling pin. I tried to use his Gander Mountain mug to roll it out, but all that did was cover the mug in dough and cause the remaining blob of sticky dough to look even more pathetic.
Without much option and because I didn't want to waste all of my dough (after all, I worked so hard on it!), I rolled up a sticky piece and dropped it into a boiling pot of water. It looked like an oversized maggot or possibly a really light colored turd. It did NOT look like a noodle. Still, I cooked it.
When I took it out of the pot, I rinsed it off and took a tentative bite. It actually tasted like a noodle! I turned to Rex and exclaimed, "Whoo hoo! It actually tastes like a really thick, blobby noodle!" Suddenly the full taste hit me and I winced. "Except it is pretty garlic-y..." Rex looked at me incredulously and inquired, "WHY would a noodle taste like garlic?" I mumbled sheepishly, "Um, we were out of salt so I used garlic salt because I figured it was pretty much the same."
He immediately started laughing. "GARLIC SALT?? Why would you think you could substitute GARLIC SALT for REGULAR SALT?! HAHAHAHAHA!" I mean, geez louise - who does he think he is, Gordon Ramsay or something? I would like to see HIM try to make pasta from scratch! I mean, yes he would probably go get the right ingredients, roll it with a rolling pin, and roll the noodles correctly, but that is BESIDE THE POINT. I made an EFFORT here. There are already enough Rachel Rays and Paula Deans in the world - it's time for Christine Webb!
I can see it now - a whole show about my cooking hijinks! I'll be like Lucille Ball from "I Love Lucy," but all of my shenanigans will have to do with food. Normal cooking shows have the chef put everything together and then say something along the lines of, "And now, here is one that is all ready to come out of the oven!" I'll do that too, but when I pull MY food out of the oven it will probably look like a pile of vomit. I'll yell, "Hey Zack!" (that's my producer) "Who barfed on my casserole? We can't air this! Go get some take-out for me to show the folks at home!" And then we'll end every episode with a promotion for a new take-out place! So we can pay for the entire production in advertising revenues. As the credits roll at the end of the episode, Rex will walk in, take one look at my food, and say, "Christine...you've got some 'splainin to do!"
It's going to be perfect. Now to find something to eat for dinner tonight...
Even though I like to try new recipes, more often than not I fail at them. Tonight is a perfect example. I'm trying this new "gluten free eating" thing, but I really wanted some pasta. I found a recipe for homemade gluten-free pasta, and I decided to attempt it. I should have known better than to try something when I hadn't even heard of half of the ingredients (xanthan gum? tapioca starch?). Still, I pictured myself making fabulous pasta and preparing all sorts of fantastic gluten-free recipes. They would call me "The Girl who Makes Gluten-Free Pasta."
Okay - no one is going to call me that. Rex got home from studying and found me near tears trying to wash sticky gunk off of my hands. When asked what was wrong, I sniffed, "I can't cook anything! I can't even make pasta! What is my problem?!" He tried to reassure me, saying that it can't possibly be that bad. I pointed to the pile of goo sitting on my cutting board. He eyed it thoughtfully and finally came up with, "Um, are you sure you followed all of the directions exactly right?" I couldn't help but laugh - he always thinks of something nice to say, and that's the best he could come up with! I told him that OF COURSE I followed all of the directions exactly (I mean, mostly), but for some reason it just didn't work! He asked why I hadn't rolled out the dough with a rolling pin like the directions said, and I told him that we didn't HAVE a rolling pin. I tried to use his Gander Mountain mug to roll it out, but all that did was cover the mug in dough and cause the remaining blob of sticky dough to look even more pathetic.
Without much option and because I didn't want to waste all of my dough (after all, I worked so hard on it!), I rolled up a sticky piece and dropped it into a boiling pot of water. It looked like an oversized maggot or possibly a really light colored turd. It did NOT look like a noodle. Still, I cooked it.
When I took it out of the pot, I rinsed it off and took a tentative bite. It actually tasted like a noodle! I turned to Rex and exclaimed, "Whoo hoo! It actually tastes like a really thick, blobby noodle!" Suddenly the full taste hit me and I winced. "Except it is pretty garlic-y..." Rex looked at me incredulously and inquired, "WHY would a noodle taste like garlic?" I mumbled sheepishly, "Um, we were out of salt so I used garlic salt because I figured it was pretty much the same."
He immediately started laughing. "GARLIC SALT?? Why would you think you could substitute GARLIC SALT for REGULAR SALT?! HAHAHAHAHA!" I mean, geez louise - who does he think he is, Gordon Ramsay or something? I would like to see HIM try to make pasta from scratch! I mean, yes he would probably go get the right ingredients, roll it with a rolling pin, and roll the noodles correctly, but that is BESIDE THE POINT. I made an EFFORT here. There are already enough Rachel Rays and Paula Deans in the world - it's time for Christine Webb!
I can see it now - a whole show about my cooking hijinks! I'll be like Lucille Ball from "I Love Lucy," but all of my shenanigans will have to do with food. Normal cooking shows have the chef put everything together and then say something along the lines of, "And now, here is one that is all ready to come out of the oven!" I'll do that too, but when I pull MY food out of the oven it will probably look like a pile of vomit. I'll yell, "Hey Zack!" (that's my producer) "Who barfed on my casserole? We can't air this! Go get some take-out for me to show the folks at home!" And then we'll end every episode with a promotion for a new take-out place! So we can pay for the entire production in advertising revenues. As the credits roll at the end of the episode, Rex will walk in, take one look at my food, and say, "Christine...you've got some 'splainin to do!"
It's going to be perfect. Now to find something to eat for dinner tonight...
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