Coming Home

"Home" means a lot of things.  I tell people that I'm flying "home" tomorrow, and I mean Las Vegas.  While at my cabin, I say that we're going to go "home" when we're finished snowmobiling, and I really just mean going back to my cabin.  If I really had to define "home" for myself, though, I would define it as southwest Michigan.  That is the place where I really belong.  I grew up here, my family lives here, and I feel like a part of me will never truly fit in anywhere else.

Rex and I have been home since December 22, visiting family and friends for Christmas.  It has been a blast, but we have to go back to Nevada tomorrow.  As I sit here typing this in the final 23 minutes of the year 2012, I figure I will give you a few of the highlights of our trip:

1.  When we first got on the plane to come home, the kid sitting in front of us was crazy.  He was about three years old with mousy brown hair and skinny arms.  We called him "Rocketship Kid" because as soon as he sat down he exclaimed, "Oh my gosh, this is going to be SO FUN!  It's going to be just like going on a ROCKET SHIP!"  He was talking non-stop.  I started taking notes so I could transcribe his words for you. Here is a gem: "Hey dad I love you dad hey mom where is our luggage is it in the belly of the plane wow I am so excited this is going to be so great!!"  I put no punctuation between those sentences because he said them as if they were all one sentence.  He kept talking and talking so quickly that Rex turned to me and said, "Uhhh...is this kid on speed?!"  He was so fun to listen to.  He saw another plane on the tarmac and declared that our plane should marry that plane.  His mom tried to explain that planes don't get married, but the kid wasn't buying it.  Finally his mom said, "Aren't you tired, honey?  Look, your dad is getting tired - he's closing his eyes!"  The kid jumped on his dad and yelled, "WAKE UP, DAD!  WE'RE ON A PLANE!!!"  The kid was hilarious for a few hours, but I think I would be banging my head on the wall if he was mine.

2. My family went to our cabin up north for a few days.  We had a great time snowmobiling, playing banagrams, and sitting by the fire.  In order to kick off our road trip, I offered to buy everyone some Starbucks with the plethora of gift cards that I received from my students.  My family is not a "Starbucks" kind of family.  They don't generally spend more than 99 cents for a cup of joe.  My dad ordered a large coffee, and when the lady handed it to him she said, "Here is your venti coffee."  For those of you non-Starbucks-educated folks out there, venti means large.  My dad misunderstood, though, and said, "Ew, a veggie coffee? Why would I want a veggie coffee?"  I tried to correct him: "No, Dad, she said 'venti.'"  My mom jumped in with, "Yeah, 'venti' is short for 'vintage.'  It's like, an older type of roast."  No parents, it's not.  My dad finally accepted the coffees and then called to the lady, "Have a latte day!"  I looked at him like he was crazy, and he said, "What?  I'm just trying to use hip Starbucks lingo."  I'm surprised my family didn't get permanently banned from the store...  Luckily I don't think they will go back again anytime soon.

3. My dad LOVED the Perry the Platypus shorts that he got for Christmas.  That's all there really is to say about that.

4.  We went to go visit my Grandpa Hubert, who is pretty much the most ornery man you will ever meet.  We talked to him about the "good ol'days" for a couple of hours.  He used to be in the Navy, so my mom asked what he did for exercise when he lived on the ship.  His answer?  "We'd just shoot japs."  Greeeeat... Then we talked about the sports that his son (my dad) played in high school.  My grandpa said, "Sports are fine, but do you wanna know what I played?  Spin the bottle.  Now THERE'S a good game."  We went to my dad's favorite pizza spot, Pizza Sam's, after we got wisdom from his dad.  He pointed out the parking lot across from Pizza Sam's where he used to "do stuff that I can't tell you about."  Oh my.  I am a little bit ashamed to be related to these people.  Just a little.

5. For New Year's Eve (aka RIGHT NOW), my mother-in-law is playing Scrabble with Rex, my father-in-law is watching a hunting show about killing elk, and my brother-in-law is making plans to go fishing in the morning.  I mentioned, "Hey, it's five minutes till midnight...maybe we should turn on the Times Square coverage."  They all glared at me and said, "No!  Who cares about that?"
Who cares about that?  WHO CARES ABOUT THAT?!  It's New Year's Eve, people!!!  We should all care about that!  Who cares about a random elk that died in Nowheresville, Nowhere is what I'd like to know.  Man, I married into a weird family.  I really, really like them, too, which might make me even weirder.

Well, there it is - midnight.  It's officially New Year's Day.  No confetti, no midnight kiss, no party hats or noisemakers.  Just a triple letter score and a dead elk.  Happy New Year, people.

It's been an up and down kind of winter break.  I've had some interesting revelations, a lot of fun times with family, and made some re-connections with old friends.  2012 was one of those "growing" years.  I learned a lot.  I'm that much more ready for the next year.  Bring it on, 2013.

My Unprofessional Moment

Today I kicked a hole in my desk.

Oh yeah, and I did it in front of all of my students.  It wasn't my finest hour, but I figured it would make a good blog post.

It all started when I was having writing conferences with my students.  They would come up to my desk, and I would help them edit the stories they are currently working on.  I tried to open the top drawer of my desk to grab a colored pen, but my desk drawer was jammed.  Blast!  This had happened once before, but that was earlier this year when Rex was helping me set up my room before school started.  At that time he jiggled the drawer a few times and forced it open, so I figured maybe that would work for me too.

Bad idea, Mrs. Webb.

I jiggled the drawer a few times and jerked it really hard (which obviously meant I now had the attention of everyone in the room).  The drawer opened...but only because I broke it.  The bottom fell out and all of my stuff started tumbling to the floor.  I hurried to pick it up, and I ended up emptying the entire drawer of its contents.  Then I pulled the drawer off of its tracks so that I could assess the damage.  The picture below is a picture of a drawer like my drawer, but it isn't mine exactly (I didn't have the foresight to know I would be blogging about this, so I didn't take a picture).

As you can see, the bottom of the drawer has to fit into the grooved sides.  Mine had popped out at the back right corner, so I had to pop it back into the grooves if I wanted the drawer to hold anything.  I tried to pop it back in, but the bottom of the drawer was half in and half out of the grooves so it wouldn't budge.  I tried pounding on it, but no luck.  Of course, by this time everyone in the room was watching me, and about seven of my students were crowded around my desk.  Usually I would have sternly chastised them and told them to sit down and get to work, but I was on a mission to repair my drawer.  My arm strength wasn't working, but guess what?  Legs are stronger than arms!  So when one of my kids said, "Mrs. Webb, what if you stomp it back into place?"  I decided to try it.  Yes, I realize I was taking carpentry advice from a ten-year-old.  It was a volatile situation, okay?  Stop judging me.

So I flipped the drawer upside-down and tried to (carefully) smash the bottom of the drawer back into place.  What neither I nor my ten-year-old student had accounted for was the fact that I was wearing high-heeled boots today.  High-heeled boots with a nice skinny heel.  Guess what happened?  YEP!  My heel went straight through the cheaply constructed board and stabbed a hole in the bottom of my drawer.

A collective gasp sounded across the room.  The students looked at me, waiting for my reaction to see what they should do.  I did what any professional teacher would have done in this situation - I started cracking up.  Once they had "permission" to laugh, the kids started laughing too.

"See, kids?  What did we learn today?  Don't try to fix something if you don't know how to do it, and also high heels are evil."

Personally, I think that's a pretty valuable lesson.  Also, I patched up the hole (kinda), finally got the drawer to pop back in, and put it back in my desk.  The hole is in the back corner of the drawer, so probably no one will notice it.  Probably...  And if anyone does notice it, they are going to be very confused as to how it got there.  I don't think many teachers put holes in their desks.  I'll just blame the rats.

Oh, Rats

The rats got out of their cage.

How did they get out of their cage?  No idea.  I just know that I came into work and saw that their cage was open.  Furthermore, they had proceeded to chew on everything possible.  My internet cord was chewed through, one of my kids' art projects was destroyed, two of my promotional posters for The Elsie Files were shredded in their cage, and a box of Kleenex was emptied so that they could make a nest in it.  They did this all in one night.  Do you want to know the best part?  When I gasped in dismay, both of the rats poked their heads out of their hut as if to say, "Good morning, how are you?"  They had apparently spent the night traveling around my room destroying everything, but once they got tired of that they just curled up in their cage again.  I suppose we can see the bright side in this - at least I didn't spend my morning chasing them down and trying to find them.

And I guess that kid had a great excuse for art class: "The teacher's rats ate my homework."  Oh geez.  At least it wasn't anything too time consuming or critical.  She wasn't upset.  *phew!*

The funniest part to me was that the rats ate an entire red colored pencil.  Specifically, they shredded the wood into shavings that they put in their nest, and then they ate the red part in the center.  It's been two days now, and their poop is still BRIGHT red, like tiny little holly berries littered around their cage.  If I weren't so annoyed with them I would actually consider it kind of festive.  I don't know how they haven't died.  They ate a magnet, a colored pencil, an internet cord, and an assortment of other weird stuff from around the room.  I swear I feed them...so why are they eating all of my stuff??  Also, HOW DO THEY KEEP GETTING OUT OF THEIR CAGE?!  This is the second time it's happened this year.  I feel like I should take them out of the classroom to prevent further destruction, but if I bring them home then they will escape once and become cat food (literally).  That seems like it would be kind of traumatizing for me.

I guess with all of the other drama going on at my school, destruction of school property by the class pet is pretty low on the list of things to deal with.  In case you need to catch up on the drama you've been missing...  Quest has been on the news three times now.  Check out the videos if you want:  http://search.journalbroadcastgroup.com/ktnv.aspx?k=quest%20academy

My rats are never even mentioned; those sneaky little buggers.  

The Elsie Files

My book The Elsie Files has a national release date of February 5, 2013, but I pre-ordered 100 copies to sell to my friends and family.  This has been a lot of fun, as I can personally sign each book I sell.  I have sold quite a few books to my students.  It is an indescribably good feeling to tell students to "pull out their silent reading books" and see kids pull out something written by ME.  I have had a few different reactions to the book, so I figure I will tell you about some of them here:

1.  I almost had to take away the book from one girl because she wouldn't stop reading it during math class. After the second time I told her to put it down, she said that really it's my fault that she can't pay attention in math.  If I would have made the book a bit more boring, she would be able to put it away.  Ha ha...  Interesting argument there.  I still made her put it away, but I was a little flattered.

2.  One girl came up to me the morning after she bought the book and said, "Mrs. Webb, your book is the BEST book I've ever read.  I am allowed to stay up until 8:30 reading, and I couldn't stop until 8:42!  I would highly recommend that every child read your book.  Even the children in China."  I'm not sure why specifically the Chinese kids got a shout-out there, but oh well.  I would totally sell them books if they wanted them.

3.  One of my boys bought two books.  When I went to sign them, he said, "Could you please sign one of them to me, but in the other one just write your name?  See, one of them is for me to read, and the other one I am going to wrap up to keep it in mint condition.  That way, when you're really famous, I'll have a signed, mint-condition first edition copy of your first book.  It's how I'm going to become rich."  BWAHAHAHAHAHA!  I really appreciate his faith in my writing abilities.

4.  One girl came up to me and said, "Mrs. Webb, I'm so glad that I'm in your class.  It's so fun to rub it in my friends' faces that MY teacher is a real author and THEIRS isn't.  Ha ha!  I win."

5. I have been especially humbled by the students who used their own money to buy my book.  A couple of them are still saving up ($10 is a lot when you're in fifth grade).  I don't know how many authors get their books purchased using all coins, but I have now sold two books that way.  I have no idea what I'm going to do with all of those quarters and dimes.

6.  At recess I came across three girls reading my book.  I asked them how they were liking it so far, and they said they love it.  Furthermore, they have named themselves the "Elsie Files Fan Club."  SWEET!  I HAVE A FAN CLUB!  Now I've truly made it in life.

7.  One of my boys came up to me and said, "Mrs. Webb, your book is actually really funny."  It was as if he was truly surprised that teachers could be funny.  I think I earned a little bit more of his respect that day.

Anyway, it's been a fun experience to be a "real" author.  I am excited to do book signings and sell my books to strangers, but I don't think anything is going to be as satisfying as seeing how much my students enjoy it.  It was worth every second of work that I put into it.

If you don't have your copy yet, order one today!

Free Turkey

Rex and I were shopping at WinCo yesterday, enjoying our supply of low-priced grocery options, when I saw the following sign: "Happy Thanksgiving from WinCo!  Spend $100 and receive a FREE TURKEY!"  I gazed at the hastily scribbled grocery list that I clutched in my hand.  I did some quick mental math, and I realized that Rex and I had just over $100 in groceries to buy.  I pointed out the sign to Rex, and he got excited.  "Whoo hoo! A free turkey!"  he exclaimed.  He forgot the fact that I'm not his mother or his grandmother, and I can't just whip up a delicious Thanksgiving turkey at the drop of a hat.  I ducked into a nearby produce aisle and tried to call my mother-in-law for advice on what I should buy to cook this turkey, but she didn't answer.  Blast!  I went back to Rex and said, "I mean, we don't really NEED a turkey...maybe we don't have the freezer space..."  Rex gave me a look like I had just suggested we don't celebrate Christmas this year.  "Ummm...are you kidding me?!  It's a FREE TURKEY!  We HAVE to get it!"  Okay, I really can't argue with that.  How can I pass up a FREE turkey?  Since I'm horribly inept at cooking complicated recipes (of which a homemade turkey must top that list), I started contemplating what to do with our free bird carcass.  Here is what I came up with:

WHAT TO DO WHEN THE GROCERY STORE GIVES YOU A FREE FROZEN TURKEY

1.  Attempt to cook it - bad idea, as this could result in burning down your apartment.

2. Take it ice fishing - You can throw it onto the ice, and the weight of the frozen turkey will splash through and make the hole in the ice where you can then go fishing.

3. Give it to a homeless guy - This idea sounds good until you realize that it's actually kind of mean unless the next person to come along is going to give the homeless guy an oven.

4. Take it turkey hunting and use it as a decoy - Maybe the turkeys will come to investigate and/or grieve for their fallen brother.  Then - BANG! - you can shoot the turkey.  Except then you just end up with two dead turkeys.  Never mind.  Bad idea.

5. Use it as a murder weapon - It's the perfect crime.  You COOK the murder weapon after you use it to bludgeon someone to death, and then you EAT it.  No evidence.

6.  Videotape your dog trying to gnaw on the turkey that's bigger than him - Go win $10,000 on America's Funniest Home Videos

7.  Put it in your bed on hot nights - it will keep you cool.

8.  Put it in a bird cage and try to convince your fifth graders that it's alive - Ten bucks says I could actually convince some of them.

9.  Sit on it for that extra boost of height at the movie theater when an annoying tall guy is sitting in front of you - Bring a blanket to put over it, though, because otherwise your butt will get really cold.

10.  Throw it through a car window in a random act of vandalism - Mostly because I really want to see the police report that says, "Suspect is charged with throwing a frozen turkey through a window."


See?  The possibilities are endless.  Half of our freezer is now filled with this turkey, and I'm still not sure what we're going to do with it.  Maybe there is a choice #11 - fly your mother-in-law out to Vegas to cook the darn thing for you.  But then again, that would be so expensive that it would really defeat the purpose of getting the free turkey.

Curses, Winco.  Why are you making my life so complicated?!

My Life as a Character in Law and Order

I can't believe it's been almost a month since I've blogged.  That is so sad, and I apologize to my loyal readers (if any of you are left, lol). There has been a lot going on at school.  A LOT.  So much that I can't even write out the details for fear that I will be implicated in having knowledge that I'm not supposed to have.  Creepy, huh?  Does it feel strangely CSI to you?  Law and Order, perhaps?  Well, it does to me too.  When your life is a crime show, you don't have much time to blog.  Hopefully it will all be over soon, though.  There is a good chance that my school might get shut down (AHHHHH!), but I'll deal with that if/when it happens.  I've been applying for a few other jobs, but I hope it doesn't come to that.

Besides all of the drama, school has been okay.  The administration sent me to Colorado for a conference, so that was fun!  I went with my friend Terri (4th grade teacher).  It snowed while we were there.  She was freaking out because, as a Las Vegas native, she hardly ever sees snow.  It was fun to make fun of her, and we made a snowman on the side of the highway.  We ate delicious food and stayed in a fancy hotel.  I love conferences.

Okay hmmm...what else has happened?  Oh, I know!  I got a release date for my book!  The Elsie Files will be hitting bookshelves on February 5, 2013.  Yay!  I am getting a bunch of copies sent to me at my apartment, so I will be able to sell copies before then.  I want to get my students to buy copies before our school potentially shuts down. *stressful sigh*

I won't let it be weeks before I blog again.  Scout's honor.

Flower Girl

Last weekend I flew home to Michigan to be in a wedding.  My best friend from kindergarten got married.  Who could have guessed that when I was five years old and I asked if she needed help cutting the orange top off her Elmer's glue, a beautiful friendship would fluorish?  Cool!

Anyway, it was absolutely wonderful to be back in Michigan.  The trees were all fall colors (something I haven't seen in two years), and the air was cool and crisp ("but not 'fried chicken' cripsy," as Cara would tell you).  My mom and sister came to Ann Arbor, and we had a blast having a girls' weekend.  We got a fun hotel, did a lot of shopping (where I was TOTALLY spoiled by my mom!), and split a jar of pickles and a box of zebra cakes at midnight on Saturday.  These are the little things in life that you never forget.  I will also never forget watching my 17 year-old sister teaching my mom how to "Wobble."  I have it on video, but my mom made me promise noto to put it online.  Come to think of it, maybe that's why she spoiled me so much...  ha ha!  What can I say?  Bribes work.  I'm not showing you the video.

With that said, the true purpose of this post is to tell you about my new best friend.  She's five years old, and her name is Kylan.  She was the flower girl in Betsy's wedding, and I guess she decided that she liked me because she glued herself to my side for the entire time.  I was trying to spend time with my mom and sister, but she kept saying, "Christine! Come here!  I gotta show you something!" and then she would pull on my dress until I went with her to go see whatever thing is was that she "had" to show me.  It was usually something really awkward like, "Look!  That guy's name is RICK!"  At which point Rick would look at me quizically, and I would apologize and drag Kylan away.

The climax of the awkwardness with Kylan came at the reception.  Her mom was who-knows-where, and her dad was about to pray to bless the food.  Kylan chose that moment to pull on my dress and whisper, "Christine...I have to go potty!"  I leaned down and whispered, "We're about to pray, can you wait?"  She agreed.  About two words into the prayer, though, I felt a small tug on my dress again.  I looked down at her, and Kylan's white dress was all poofed out because she was trying to grab at her underwear.  She looked at me desparately and said, "I can't hold it...."  I looked around frantically for a bathroom, but I couldn't find one.  I couldn't ask anyone because I didn't want to interrupt the prayer.  I grabbed Kylan and raced upstairs to the deli that was located above the reception hall.  I went to the first worker I saw and said, "I've got a five year old here who really has to go." (Kylan was bouncing and making whiny noises in the background).  The deli person was confused.  "Isn't there a bathroom downstairs?"  "Yes, probably..." I replied, "but they're praying and I don't know where it is!"  "Oh my!" declared the worker, realizing that she was probably about to have pee all over her floor.  She hurried us to the deli bathroom.

I tried to stand outside while Kylan went, but she pulled me inside.  "Christine, I need your help!!"  Oh, great.  So I ran inside and was about to help Kylan lift up her dress, but she insisted that I had to take the entire thing off.  Ummm...okay.  So I found myself standing in a bathroom stall with a butt-naked five year old that I had only met a few hours earlier.  That didn't seem sketchy or awkward...  Kylan finished doing her business and asked me to help get her dress back on.  I said okay.  As I bent down to zip up her dress, Kylan giggled and said, "Oops, I just farted on you.  Sorry!"  Good heavens.  I am SO never having kids.

I took Kylan back downstairs and explained to her mother why her daughter had mysteriously disappeared.  The mom seemed unfazed, responding with "No problem.  I figured she was with you somewhere."  I bet the mom was just happy that it wasn't her day to get farted on.  :-/

Now I am safely back in Vegas, 2,000 miles away from the adorable and exasperating Kylan.  Phew!