Debit Card

Rex and I went to the bank to open up a new checking account. We were banking with Flagstar in Michigan, but apparently Flagstar does not exist west of the Mississippi. Therefore we had to open a NEW account, and we chose to open it with Bank of America.

We went to the bank at 4:30 (the bank closes at 6). We just wanted to open a checking account, which should have been very simple since Rex already has a savings account at Bank of America from when he was in high school. We were told that opening a checking account to go with an existing savings account should take, "Oh, about five minutes."

FALSE. We left the bank at 6:38. It took TWO HOURS to open that darn checking account!

I think the real problem was the banking guy. I don't remember his name, so we'll just call him Ricardo. Ricardo got us out of the waiting room and greeted us with a friendly "Hello! My name is Ricardo! I will be helping you bank today! This is my manager Kiki, and she will be sitting in with us if that's okay." We said that it was okay - I mean, who's going to say, "AHHHHH!!! NO! I HATE MANAGERS!!" ???

So we went into the little banking room, and Kiki sat in a corner taking notes on everything Ricardo did. I think she was making him nervous, and I didn't blame him. She was making ME nervous! I was afraid I was going to answer some question wrong and bet thrown out of the bank.

He certainly had a lot of questions. He had to do an "intake survey" to determine our banking needs. I felt like saying, "Ricardo, buddy, our 'banking need' is a checking account. We already told you that. We just want a checking account." He was asking us weird stuff, though, such as "What are your savings goals?" (Ummm...save as much money as possible?) or "How often do you use an ATM?" Ricardo, what difference does that make??

Once he finished our intake survey, he talked us through a booklet containing ALL of the savings and checking accounts we could open along with all of the credit cards we could start. Kiki sat taking copious notes on his presentation. When he was finished, we (surprise!) still wanted to open the least complicated checking account. But THANK YOU, Ricardo, for taking an hour to tell us what we already know. He said, "But if you get the CREDIT CARD, you could go buy a new TV!" We already HAVE a TV, Ricardo, and we don't even watch it! But I guess he was showing off for Kiki.

Kiki must have been satisfied with her notes, because she finally left. Ricardo visibly relaxed, and I thought, "Finally! We're going to get something done." NOT SO FAST, CHRISTINE'S MIND! Ricardo was SO relaxed that he forgot about banking altogether. "So...have you guys eaten at that new Chinese restaurant?" (we haven't). "Oh, it's so cool! The chef guy looks like he's wearing pajamas but really he's just wearing traditional Chinese clothes! It's NUTS!" Really, Ricardo? That's fascinating. He then went on to tell us about a new breakfast location, a new burger joint, and a fancy Mexican restaurant. He chuckled nervously, "Can you guys tell that I am hungry?" I felt like telling Ricardo that if he was so hungry, maybe he could help us open our checking account so we could get out of there. Apparently not. He grabbed a pile of restaurant reviews out of his cabinet and said, "I was just reading these before you guys got here! They're so exciting!" You know what else is exciting, Ricardo? A checking account. I was starting to understand why Kiki was reviewing him.

When we finally redirected Ricardo back to the task at hand, he pushed a catalog toward us and told us to pick out a design for the top of our new debit card. There were PAGES and PAGES of designs - how were we supposed to just pick one?! I tried telling Rex that I would accept any of the puppy/kitten designs, but he said no way. I offered to choose one of the tropical island ones, and he said, "ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND!?" I'm not sure why a tropical island was such an INSANE choice, but apparently it was. Whatever happened to generic, normal banky-looking debit cards? Was this some sort of marriage test to see if we could agree on a design? Trying to avoid any friction in front of our hungry friend Ricardo, I said to Rex, "Okay. You pick five, and I'll choose one of those five." I should have known better. Rex chose a hunted duck, a scary wolf, Detroit Tigers, Chicago Cubs, and a generic baseball design. I complained, and he decided to include a mountain design in the options. Mountains are cool! I said we could agree on that one.

Relieved to have made a decision, I was about to announce our choice to Ricardo when I noticed that on one of the pages, whatever design you chose would donate a percentage of whatever you spend to a certain charity. I immediately told Rex that we had to make a new choice because, "If you have a chance to support a charity for free and then you don't, you are pretty much a HORRIBLE PERSON." He started laughing, but I wasn't really joking. Noticing that his scary wolf was on that page (donating money to some wildlife defense fund), I said that we could choose that one. Rex responded with, "I thought you said that the wolf was scary...?"

I think Ricardo was getting annoyed with how long we were taking. GO READ MORE RESTAURANT REVIEWS, RICARDO! THIS IS A BIG DECISION!

I responded to Rex with, "Yes, I think that wolf is scary. The man who took that picture probably didn't live to see it become a debit card. BUT, maybe this is a good thing. See, when I'm shopping, I will have to think: 'How much do I want these shoes? Enough to look at the WOLF?!?! AHHHHH! NO!!!' and then I won't spend money! So a wolf card is really like a savings plan!" Rex and Ricardo both laughed. Once again, I wasn't entirely joking.

Apparently my "savings plan" was a good idea, though, because after two painful hours in the bank, I now have a shiny new wolf card to guard my money and make sure I don't spend too much. I guess we won't be able to go eat at the fancy restaurants Ricardo was telling us about since I refuse to look at the wolf, but oh well. Ramen noodles have always served me just fine.